I Wanna Be Loved
by KickingRoses
Summary: How can you go from hero-worshiping someone to making their life a misery? A look into the foundations of Vince and Howard's relationship from the very beginning. Rated T for language, slight disturbing themes and eventual slash.
1. Goblin Child

**Yo! Sorry I haven't been updating here lately but, like a lot of authors here, I've retired to LiveJournal to mainly just share my stories with the people on my f-list. I've got quite far with this new story though, more than I expected myself to and thought I'd share it with fellow slashers on here who don't have LJ. Yes I know I have other fics on here that need continuing but they're on hiatus for the mo. However, I may have plans to update WDT in the future. Emphasis on *may*. At the moment this is my passion though.**

**So this new story started out as a one-shot of my own belief how Vince and Howard met and then turned into an on-going story about different interludes that built up the foundations of their relationship to how we see it in the show. 'Filling in the gaps' in other words. It's pretty angsty, but then it's written by me so it would be, wouldn't it? Bits of fluff here and there though. Also, in my head and from the descriptions of Hackney that Noel has described in his stand-up - this is how I actually imagine nine year olds from there to be; swearing, violence and all :P No offense meant but this is the world of the Boosh were everything is about exaggeration and breaking the bounderies.  
**

**Disclaimer: I have a confession......*deep breath* I...do....not....own....The Boosh!!! The lyrics at the beginning are from Bon Jovi's "I Wanna Be Loved" - hence where the title is from as well. I don't own this either. Yeah, full of surprises today, aren't I?  
**

* * *

_**I had a roof over head,  
Had shoes on my feet,  
Yeah, sure, I was fed,  
But no one was there,  
Not when I was in need...**_**  
**

I've heard people say that it's funny how things change.

That's stupid. I don't see the funny side in it. And this is from the man who sees everything through rose-tinted Dolce & Gabana sunglasses. I wish I could find it funny. I bet you will. Everyone seems to when I tell them. Most of the time they don't even believe me. On some level I think I prefer it that way. It makes it less likely to be true and I can try to forget it ever happened.

This may come as a shock. You see, as a child, I was hideous. No, seriously! You wouldn't think it looking at me now. You wouldn't even think it looking back at the all the pictures of me at school. Ah, ain't Photoshop genius? But it's true. I was Hackney's ugly duckling. I weren't raised by ducks or anything, I just mean symbolically. Is that the right word? Or is it metaphorically? I used to know this stuff.

Another thing you might not believe. I used to be smart. Bright. Teacher's pet, they called me. Not sure what went wrong there. I wasn't very good at maths or science. Nothing to do with logic. Art, sociology, textiles, performance studies, history (the interesting bits at least. There were a couple), English lit and language - as long as a spell-check was on hand. These were my babies. I remember running home from school with a story or project that had been marked A* and showing it to my parents. My mum would give me a big hug and ask me whatever I wanted for a reward, whilst my dad would pin it up on the fridge with my favourite giraffe magnet before ruffling my hair, saying he was proud of me.

Back then, I didn't give a toss about the things I do now. I didn't need to. I had two parents that treated me like I was the centre of the whole world. Maybe that was all I needed. That and my books, my paintings, my sewing machine and my stereo. As long as I could read, write, dance and colour then nothing else mattered. I never got lonely. Mum and Dad loved to fill the house with pets. We had a lazy ginger tabby cat called Jahooli, a chocolate-coloured labrador called Brian Ferry (Dad was a fan), and I had a pet lizard called Kalooni. We also had two floppy eared rabbits in the garden called George and Mildred. Animals made the best friends. They were so easy to talk to and didn't treat you like a freak just because you liked different things. On top of all that, I also had my imaginary friend Charlie, who was wicked because he was made of bubble gum. I think Dad was scared of Charlie. Especially when I told him Charlie liked to watch him in his sleep. Mum laughed. Dad just went pale.

I didn't have any human friends. The other kids at school left me alone most of the time because I was so interested in whatever teacher was saying. Even if I wasn't in the lesson I liked, I'd distract myself by designing a cool new outfit or plans for a story in my notebook. I didn't want any human friends. Didn't need any. And until I was about eight I didn't really stop to realise why I should have any.

Then, one day, I was walking through the shortcut towards my school and talking to Charlie, who always walked me to school which Mum said was sweet of him. We were talking about how Mildred had been accusing George of sleeping with next doors rabbit, but how George kept saying that was impossible, mainly because Dad had paid the vet to cut his genitals off two years ago. I was deciding on the best way to get the try and get the two to kiss and make-up when something sharp and hard came out of nowhere and hit me in the side of the head. Then everything went black.

"GOBLIN!"

"FREAK!"

Suddenly I was lying face down on the pavement. There was a burning sting in the side of my head and I saw, not far away from me, the rock that had been thrown against it. Blinking through tears, I looked across the small road to see a couple of kids from my year pointing their middle fingers up at me, snarling at me like vicious wolves.

I got up to my feet and felt the tears begin to roll down my cheeks. I was crying because I was crying, more than anything. I never cried. I never had anything to cry about. I was always happy. The Sunshine Kid, Dad always called me. Now I didn't feel like a sunshine person all of a sudden. I felt like the thick, grey, clouds that always brought cold rain. My eyes were now doing just that. I turned to Charlie and asked why he didn't attack the boys for me. But Charlie wasn't there anymore.

Little did I know back then how that one little thump to the head would begin the destruction of the rest of my so-far perfect life. All of a sudden I began to notice how the kids would look at me shiftily, whispering to each other behind their palms as if it rendered them silent - not that they obviously wanted to be. I felt more and more objects begin to be thrown at my direction. The other boys would corner me in the playground at break time and shove me against the wall when there were no grown-ups looking. I'd have to give them the two euros Mum had given me for lunch to make them go away. Not that it would always work. Most of the time they'd snatch the money and then kick me in the shins until I fell down again.

I couldn't understand. Why was this happening to me? Why now?

Then I began to think that maybe it wasn't just starting now. Maybe it had always been like this; I'd always had these things done to me, but I was too buried in my own magical world to notice or care. Now I was getting to double digits, and it was as if I could feel the magic beginning to slip away from me. That's what scared me more than anything. More than the bullies. More than their insults and attacks. I didn't want to grow up. Growing up meant having to do boring grown up things. Growing up meant never having time for fun and stories. Growing up meant your parents growing up as well and then….

One day in Science class, we were studying evolution. Adam Crowe, who sat behind me, put his hand up and said out loud: "Sir! Don't worry about the Missing Link - we've found it!" The class burst into laughter, and I turned around to see that he was pointing straight at me. Then the laughter got louder and louder. Even the science teacher seemed to be stifling a smirk on his lips. I ducked my head, blushing, continuing to scribble something in my sketch book. It was then snatched out of my hands.

"He thinks he's bloody Van Gough!" Adam chanted, holding the open page high to show the rest of the class. My face flushed again, tinged with a bit more anger this time. I was going for more Andy Warhol.

One of the other boys grabbed at the book; "Oi, Noir! You should try what that geezer did and cut off your ear. Don't think it could make you look any uglier."

More laughter. More. Funny, funny, funny. I just didn't get it. I didn't want to get it.

Just as the teacher had reached the end of his tether, nothing to do with sparing me from any more humiliation - just wanting to get on with his lesson plan, I jumped up out of my seat, stuffing my books into my bag, before storming out of the class room. I didn't care anymore. Not that I'd ever cared about science much but I did like learning stuff about animals. At that moment I just wanted to go home. I was always happy at home. Always.

As soon as I entered the house I dropped my bag on the kitchen floor and bolted upstairs the bathroom. I managed to catch a glimpse of Mum in the living room watching one of her mumish shows but I didn't stop to make eye contact. I locked myself in the bathroom and pulled up my stall to look in the mirror - I was freakishly small for my age. My eyes met my own in my reflection, tinged with a furious red from where I'd been crying since running out of school. My cheeks were burning hot and my hair out of all sorts, even more so than usual. I'd stopped crying now. I was still gasping from all the running and struggling to get my breath back.

A knock on the door nearly made me topple off the stall.

"Is that you, Vince, love? You didn't say you were coming home for lunch."

Mum. I wanted to answer her back but as soon as I opened my mouth, it appeared my tongue had decided to have a little sleepy. Just more gasping came out.

"Sweetheart? Is everything alright?"

Alright? Of course everything was alright. Everything always was. I gripped the edge of the sink and continued to stare into the mirror. Until I saw it. Until I saw what they were all on about for the first time in my life. I really was ugly. I didn't look….right. My lengthy dirty blond hair was all over the place. Completely unmanageable, despite the amount of times Mum tried to attack it with a hairbrush. And my eyes. Mum always said I had the most beautiful eyes in the world. They were my grandfather's eyes, she said. Perhaps that's why they look so hideous - because he didn't put them in my eye sockets properly. They were far too big for my face. And my nose was too sharp, too crooked - it was like a witch's nose. My cheekbones jutted out below my gigantic eyes as if they were close to bursting through the skin. I reached my quivering hands up to touch them. Fuck. I really did look like a freak. A goblin. Monster.

I retched, a new wave of sobs shuddering out of me from no where, my body curling forward. My feet left the stall and I crouched down on the cold tiled floor, tightening myself up into a ball under the sink, digging my fingertips angrily into my god-forsaken face. Why had I never noticed it before? I could've spotted it and asked Mum and Dad to pay to give me plastic surgery or something. I let myself walk around like…THIS? No wonder Charlie didn't come and see me much anymore. No wonder the animals didn't wanna talk to me lately. No wonder relatives wouldn't come and spend time with me much. No wonder I didn't have any real friends. How could I when I looked like this? Who would ever wanna hang around with a disgusting freak like me?

By this point I was sobbing so loud and I'd forgotten that Mum was just outside the door.

"Vince! Vince, what's the matter, baby?…Vince, please, open the door for me, please!" I could hear the pitch in her voice. Now she was close to crying too.

Great. Not only was I hideous but I'd made my mum cry also. As if I couldn't feel anymore worthless. The last thing I could do was open the door for her to let her see me like this. I must have looked even more ridiculous with my hair all windswept and face all scrunched up as I openly wept. I told her, or what came out more as a wail, to leave me alone. Of course, being Mum, she didn't. She sat there on the other side of the door, continuing to ask me what was wrong and if I wanted anything. I never answered her, I just kept on sobbing for god-knows how long. At one point she left me for two minutes, saying she was going to make me a Nutella sandwhich in case I wanted to come out. I assume she also found the time to use the phone because barely half an hour later Dad came home from work two hours early. He ordered me to open the door, his bubbling anger unfamiliar and scary to me, so I froze. I nearly jumped out of my skin when he kicked the door in.

Mum pretty much pushed past Dad to rush towards me. She tried to take me into her arms, holding my wrists so I'd stop scratching my now close-to-bleeding face, but I shook her off and shuffled further back, hiding myself from them. When Mum let out a heartbroken sob at her son's pain, Dad took action and grabbed at me more firmly with a strength I couldn't even bother to fight against. He held my hands down at my sides and I screwed my face up tighter, shutting my eyes and biting my trembling lip. Dad demanded that I tell them what was wrong. Through his hard tone, I could hear the blatant worry in his voice. I told them about what the other kids had been saying and doing to me. I told them I was scared of growing up and no one liking me. I told them that I knew now how ugly I was. When I was finished, they both just went quiet and looked at each other. Looks that I immediately guessed meant "Well he is right, so how do we break this to him gently?"

I'd never know what they were thinking to each other in that moment though. Parents seemed to have one of those weird 'telepathetic links' between them. The next thing I did know was that I was behind pulled, gently but fixed, against my dad's soft body. Mum smooshed up beside him and lifted my legs up so that I was sitting across both of their laps, her warm hands taking mine. Dad's hand was rubbing soothing circles into my back. Before either of them said anything, I felt the sunshine worming it's way back into me. The fact I was nine years old, sobbing like a baby and having to cradled by both my parents before I could calm down wasn't the least bit embarrassing. It felt good. I felt loved. Maybe that's all I've ever needed.

They told me I was beautiful. Unique. That I was their special little Prince and they loved me. "Your ol' dad wasn't always the looker he is now, y'know." said Mum jovially. Dad had mockingly glared at her before agreeing; "She's right. I had to grow into my looks. And so will you, son." They were incredibly good-looking, my folks. My mum wasn't much taller than me, had perfect bone structure, a figure that you'd never guessed had produced a kid and luscious blond hair like Sleeping Beauty. Dad on the other hand was tall, not buff but chunky, with blue eyes like mine and also impressive dark hair. I only wished back then I'd believed what they said about growing into your looks. I just thought they were saying what parents said. It was enough for me to feel slightly better though.

Even Charlie came back to see me that night after Mum tucked me into bed. He apologized for having run off but he'd decided, on spur of the moment, to go to an Alice Cooper concert. He then told me the story of why he'd come back looking like a pink vacuum cleaner. I snuggled down to sleep that night, with Charlie continuing to babble on about those poor Inuit's, beside me, beginning to think that everything would be much better from now on.

The next morning, Dad came into my room before leaving for work for a 'man-to-man' talk, as he'd call them. I loved that he'd always make me feel like a man. Not a lady-man, not a 'little man' - just a man, even if I was only nine. He told me that if any bullies at school gave me more agro, not to be afraid to fight back if I wanted to. Of course Dad was a born and bred cockney bitch. We used to practised play-fighting all the time in the garden. Never anything too hard as he knew that Mum, who was from a more upper class upbringing - her brother being a French duke - was against such thuggish behaviour. Hence why Dad was sneaking into my room at this point while Mum was still asleep. He told me that people have to learn to get as good as they give. Those words sank into me deeper than I'd ever have known at the time.

An hour later I kissed Mum on the cheek and left the house, bouncing to school for the first time in weeks, humming along to The Human League on my portable stereo. Dad's talk with me had left me feeling so elated, so ready to face the world head on, even if my head in question did have a close resemblance to the Elephant Man's. He didn't do too bad, from what I hear, nor would I.

I suppose some things are funny how they turn out. This was, a little bit. It turned out I wouldn't need to practise any 'moves' on any kids trying to scare me into handing out my lunch money again. Not for a while. Lady Luck must have had a thing for me that day - Pedo! Turned out that there was a new kid in school. He'd just moved in from Leeds. He was put in the same year as me but he can't have been the same age. No one believed that for a second. We'd eventually find out that he'd been held back a year or two. Or five. Though, from the looks of him, anyone would think he'd been held back a couple of decades. Yeah, you see where I'm going with this now, don't you.

Howard was told to sit next to me. I could sense immediately from the tension in the room that all of the other kids eyes were on him, just as mine were. He looked so…old. Not old and frail like Grandma and Grandpa. Not even old like the blundering half-deaf science teacher. Just old. It wasn't just down to his moustache either - though that was a bit creepy - it was more his size. I wondered if everyone was like that in Leeds. It must have been like Gulliver's Travels going up there. I made a mental note to ask Mum and Dad to go on holiday in Leeds to see that! Or maybe Howard could tell me about it…

"Alright?" I asked softly, with the friendly smile Mum always told me to wear when meeting someone new. A couple of the other kids turned their heads to stare, either surprised as to why I was talking to him or waiting for his response.

Not that I got much of one. He turned his head to the side and looked me up and down with his small but oddly piercing brown eyes, a firm serious frown on his face. For a split second I felt incredibly vulnerable. On the spot. As if this boy (assuming he was really a boy) could see right through me. Which meant like everyone else that he'd shudder at me before blanking me completely. So it was a tad surprising when his stern lips shifted into somewhat of a crooked smile, nodding his head to acknowledge me.

Something in me, something small and fuzzy and like a bumble bee, buzzed warmly against the pit of my stomach. Howard had turned his attention back to the blackboard, whereas as I kept staring at the side of his head, at his shaggy brown curls. I wondered if he'd mind me practising some of my 'Midnight Barber' techniques on him. Then the teacher caught me not paying attention and snapped at me to focus. I pretended I did. That was the best I could manage.

My disfigured face had become yesterday's news in the playground now. Everyone was too busy muttering about the New Kid. As I shuffled through the halls to get to my locker, I passed a group of kids who would've normally taken the opportunity to trip me up or slam my face into a wall. Now they were too occupied with whispering rumours they'd 'heard' (I.e, made up) about Howard.

"I heard he's really a teenager sent to spy on younger kids. Y'know like in that Never Been Kissed movie…"

"I heard he's just a creep who hypnotised the teachers into believing he was just thirteen and held back…"

"I heard a similar thing - but he was a prossy on the streets and someone asked him to dress up like this, but he liked it so much he wanted to be a kid again."

"I heard he's just got some freaky aging disorder. Or like he fell in the Fountain of Aging…"

"I heard Noir likes to eavesdrop on other people's conversations 'cause he secretly wants to get his ugly head smashed in."

Of course I ran off at that. Fortunately they didn't chase me out into the playground. Once I was out, I breathed a sigh of relief, just as I spotted an unusually tall figure in a school uniform sitting on one of the benches across the netball court. I cocked my head to look at him. He looked so lonely. It's amazing how loneliness can even make someone that big look…small. Though that was probably to do with how far away he was. He was just eating his lunch quietly, reading a maths book in his other hand, which by the tense look on his face I could see he was struggling with.

I skipped over to him, the same way the kids a few years below me would do, to invade the little anti-social bubble he'd made up around him. He didn't seem to hear me coming. Either that or he just didn't want to look up.

"Wotcha!" I chimed. Howard, whose mouth was busy chewing on a sandwhich at that moment, stopped chewing. But it turned out it was only to swallow.

"D'you wanna play guns?" I asked. What right-minded boy didn't wanna play guns?

Howard's eyes finally looked up to meet mine. He then joggled his book in his hand a little to indicate he was busy. Obviously this boy then.

"Oh, okay….C-can I join you?" At nine years old I had no sense of the word 'too needy'. Howard paused for a moment, then shrugged. That was good enough for me.

I plonked myself down beside him, smiling up at his face which was once again fixed on the boring book. Christy, he was massive. Not even Andrea, the morbidly obese girl in year six, made me feel this tiny to be near. It wasn't a scary kind of massive though. He looked strong.

"You're the new kid, right? Howard Moon, yeah?" I didn't wait for a response. "I'm Vince. We sit together in form."

Howard widened his eyes without looking at me as if to say; Yes, I do know, that was just an hour ago, imbecile. Odd how I guessed that was what he was thinking even if at the time I didn't understand the word imbecile.

"Ey, guess what my last name is?" I asked, keeping the bouncy tone in my voice even though I could already tell he wasn't interested in speaking to me.

He didn't reply.

"Noir! Genius, innit? Vince Noir - The Star! S'got a ring to it, yeah?"

Howard lifted his head up, his eyes meeting mine; "…Not really."

I frowned. "Ey?"

"Well it doesn't roll off your tongue or anything. You don't even say what sort of 'star' you are." He said critically. "Just the star. Star of what? Andromeda?"

"Rock n' Roll star, of course, y'nonce." I chided, elbowing him slightly. "Ey that is better though…Vince Noir, Rock n' Roll star….Ha! That does fit!"

"Congratulations." said Howard, deadpan, looking back to his maths book.

"Let's come up with one for you, ey? Howard Moon….uh, Howard Moon….Greasy Spoon!" I burst out laughing, immensely impressed by my own wit. Howard didn't laugh. He just cringed and pretended he didn't hear me. "Oh, c'mon, that was funny."

"Sure it was. But I'm a bit busy here, alright? I've gotta catch up on loads here and none of it is going in…" He muttered to himself, his eyes scanning the formulas as if they were an alien language. We hadn't been taught Xooberon, Martian or Welsh yet.

I looked over his shoulder, recognising the work that our class had done just a month before. "Ah, that's easy! Even I know that. It ain't difficult at all. Only a retard couldn't get that-"

"It's only easy if you know the answers, you little titbox! And I don't - got it?" Howard snapped at me. "And don't start going around saying I'm mentally slow or anything, 'cause I'm not, you hear?!"

"Alright! Alright!" I said, getting up off the seat, frightened. I put my hands in my pockets and walked away. I should've known that he wouldn't like me. Still, can't blame a guy for trying. It was just one new guy though. I didn't even know him. Why was it that his rejection had caused my cheeks to flush like they were doing?

I didn't try and communicate with Howard after that for a while. He scared me a bit with his outburst, more so then I'd thought at the time. I avoided his gaze when he walked into class, hid behind my fringe if he was walking towards me (or just hide completely), normally resulting in me slamming my own forehead into a hard surface. One time in form, he asked if he could borrow one of my pencils as his had broke. My hand was shaking as I'd gingerly passed it to him without saying a word. Not even the kids who bullied me made me feel like this. They didn't make me want to constantly hide myself as if my face didn't deserve to meet their eyes. What was wrong with me?

A month passed, roughly, and I was walking out of the school building one afternoon a minute after the bell had rung to send us home. Charlie was beside me and we were talking about how annoying that school bell was. It was just a plain, shrill, high-pitched ring. Talk about boring. They should've had a music themed one. Something that could be themed to get us all excited about lessons starting or lunch beginning or just home time. "How genius would it be to go out of the school whilst listening to _Together In Electric Dreams_, ey?" I was saying to him out loud. We were out in the playground and Charlie was just about to argue back, his taste of music different from mine, when-

"Oi, Noir! Talking to your invisible friends again?"

Adam Crowe. He'd obviously got bored of muttering about the new kid and was now back to picking on me. I kept on walking, stuffing my hands in my pocket, ducking my head to hide behind my long fringe. Mum had said that if anyone bothered me again, just to ignore it and rise above it, even though Dad had said to fight back. I was all set for following Dad's advise before, but I just wanted to go home and watch the new series of Colobus the Crab.

This was a bad move, however, as I felt a pair of hands grip my shoulders and haul me backwards until I was pinned against the brick wall of the gymnasium. Adam's face glowered manically close to mine. His gang of dumb gorilla-esque (no offence, Bollo) mates crowded behind him, eager for a show of some sorts. Not the kind that I'd dreamt of ever being in either.

"Don't - EVER - walk away when I'm speaking to you, goblin!" Adam snarled. I swear he got some sort of sadistic thrill at holding me against the wall like this. No surprise he now works as a male stripper gram. "Or you really that fucking mental?!"

Obviously I wasn't that mental. Charlie had disappeared on me again. He always seemed to leave at the most inappropriate of moments. I gulped, trying to hide the fear on my face from Adam and the others, which is difficult with eyes as big as mine.

"Speak, then, retard! We know you like to sing and dance and all that ponsey rubbish - so SING for us!" The toe of his foot came to my shin again. I let out a whimper, but tried hard not to crumble to the floor like I had before.

Instead, I looked up at him, my eyes ablaze: "Fuck off, Crowe. Just 'cause I saw you prancing around the studio in your leotard after school last week!"

Adam's face went white as a sheet. A gasp swept through Adam's gang, plus others who had gathered to watch, which morphed into sniggering. I almost burst out laughing as Adam's cheeks began to burn red and his brow furrowed.

"That's a fucking lie!" He growled. I'd only been making it up at first, now I could see I'd chosen the right lie to pick out. The laughter didn't stop. Adam brought a fist off to smack me hard in the face. I heard - more than felt - something crack in my bone structure, a searing pain forming below my left eye. I didn't let it defeat me though.

_Give as good as you get, son_.

Smirking, I brought my head back up; "Like that Shakespeare bloke says; I think the lady does protest too much!"

Before the crowd of blood-thirsty school kids could erupt into laughter again, Adam clenched his teeth before pulling something silver out from his pocket. He snapped it open with his fingers - and suddenly I found that a Swiss army knife was being held to my face. Adam leaned in closer; "What the hell did you just call me, bitch?"

A heavier whimper left my lips, my eyes darting down to the blade in Adam's hand edging slowly towards the skin of my neck. My stomach was clenching, my body shaking - I was gonna die. At not even ten years old, I was gonna be killed. It had been years since the thought had crossed my mind but I was now ready to wail it for all to hear. _I want my mummy!  
_  
The cold steel brushed like a whisper of ice against my pulsing skin.

"Say goodnight, Noir." Adam hissed against my ear.

A hushed, fearful silence had fallen upon the whole school.

"Hey!" Some deep, almost foreign voice decided to cut through it.

Adam sighed, irate, turning to who had interrupted him; "Who the fuck is….OH, CRAP! LEG IT!"

The cold steel left my skin. The knife dropped to my feet, just missing the pointed end of my shoes. Adam ran. Everyone ran. Except me. I was left standing upright against the wall, as if still being held up by some unforgiving invisible fist. My eyes were shut tight. My legs suddenly turned to jelly (strawberry, I'd think. You can't really see me as orange flavoured) and I was sliding down against the wall until I was sat on the ground. I was shuddering almost violently, even though it was July, and a hot July at that. I was too in shock to cry. Tearless sobs seem to shake hungrily from me.

I could have been killed. He really could have killed me. No one cared enough to stop him….but then why wasn't I dead? I put my arms up to hug myself pathetically. I still felt real. Alive. What had happened? Charlie? Dad? Unkempt brown loafers stepped into my tilted line of vision.

"Are you ok?"

I looked up, slowly, firstly to see a large hand reaching down towards me. Secondly to be met with a pair of small but twinkling brown eyes. I stared up at him, my jaw hanging loosely, my throat dry as Rivita. Howard. Howard Moon. My hero.

"Are you ok?" He asked again, his voice so caring and silky smooth. "Are you hurt?"

I shook my head, still gawping up at him as if I was doubting he even existed. Which, at the time, I think I was. Howard's hand was still held out in front of me. It was like some divine relic behind held out by God to me. Just for me. I slowly moved my hand towards it, clasping it gently as if it would disappear on me at any moment, whilst he wrapped his fingers around my smaller hand so firmly that I gasped. He then hauled me up to my feet, steadying me with his other hand.

Now back on my feet I felt a wave of dizziness, as well as a crushing kick to the stomach of what had just happened to me. Tears that had been forming since the knife had been placed to my neck were at last bleeding out from my eyelids. Howard kept one hand on my shoulder, whilst the other came up onto my wet cheek.

"Hey, hey…it's alright. They're gone. You're safe now. Don't cry," He half-soothed, half-pleaded with awkwardness. I didn't want to cry. The relief of being alive was just as overwhelming as almost having had my neck slashed up. Howard's thumb continued to stroke my cheek.

I looked up at him, trying to form some sort of smile through my scrunched up mess of a mug. What came out felt like a dazed, blinded, inane grin. "You saved me." I said breathlessly.

Howard blushed a little, running a hand down the back of his neck; "Well…I didn't really know what was happening, I just came along and said 'hey' and they-"

"You…saved me." I repeated, not taking in any of the words he'd just said. I knew what I needed to know and I was saying it in all three words that were needed.

Howard's eyes narrowed; "But, I-"

"He was pressing a knife to my throat!" I exclaimed, glancing down to see the blade lying deserted and unthreatening on the ground. Howard saw it and winced away from it, as if it could jump up and have a mind of it's own. Zombie knife. I looked back to Howard; "H-he was gonna k-kill me….b-but you made them go away. Y-you're like…s-superman." I smiled drearily at that last bit.

Howard let out a modest laugh. His brow then curved for a moment as if he was thinking of something he didn't want me to know. He then straightened up and smiled proudly; "I suppose I am a bit then. Happy to have been of service."

He nodded his head curtly. If I hadn't been so in shock I may have made a joke about him coming from 1870. All I could manage to do was just keep staring at him. This, he soon noticed, when he started to look wearily at me. He shuffled his feet.

"Uhmm….I better scoot. Got homework to do." He muttered, his feet already starting to step away from me.

I dunno what made me do it. I can't even remember thinking about it. But for some reason I leapt forward and wrapped my arms tight around his waist. Cor, he was so comfy. I could barely feel my weedy little arms all the way around him. I felt him tense up like the brandy snap he is straight away, his hands raising up so as not to touch me back. I didn't care. I clung onto him with every bit of gratitude in me.

"Uh…listen, lad, you're welcome, yeah? C-could you please-"

"Walk me home." I chimed, craning my head up to look him in the eye. His own head reeled back again in surprise.

"What?"

"Walk me home. Please. S-stay with me. Let me hang out with you. Th-they won't hurt me if I'm around you! Please, Howard…" My eyes were still blurred with tears, but I managed to make out his reluctant expression.

His hands came down to land onto my own that were wrapped around him. Not to hug back. Not to remove them either. He looked at me seriously.

"Noir, yeah? I like to be left alone. And I really don't like people-"

"I'll do all your homework for you!"

Howard blinked; "…What?"

"I will!" I squeaked, "I'll do it all. Everyone knows how crap you are in….well, everything."

"Is this your way of making friends?"

I gasped, almost knocked back by the thought; "…Could we? C-could we be friends? I mean; it'll work so well. You're a freak, I'm a freak. We can be freaky friends together."

Howard looked to be fighting a smile, maybe even a giggle, "I dunno, Vince…I don't think we have anything in common."

"What you on about? We go to the same school, we're both nearly ten…apparently. We wear the same uniform. We both have no other friends so this is the best offer we're gonna get."

"Uh, I'll have you know, I've had loads of offers for friendship, thank you."

"Yeah, right!" I grinned back, "Someone even comes too near you in the lunch-line, you storm your way to the front like a jugger-naught, stamping everyone in your path."

"I happen to be very fond of beef steak and kidney pie is all."

"_Beef _steak and kidney? Everyone knows they make it out of the so-call 'retired' teachers who are put out of their misery. I found old Professor Carlson's wedding ring in there the other day."

"Hmm, I didn't think cows wore hearing aids." Howard mused disgustedly.

I giggled up at him, my tears now dried up, remembering I was still latched onto his middle. "You see? I could do this forever."

"Not sure I could…"

"Oh please, Howard! Y-you can be Superman and keep me safe from Adam and other dickheads like him. I could pay you back by doing all your homework. A-and we can watch the new series of Colobus the Crab together at mine, yeah?"

Howard's mouth was twitching, working away thoughts that I thought your mind was meant to do. He looked down at me, the right side of his lip slithering upwards. "I do kinda like that show."

I nearly exploded with happiness. It must have shone on my face because it began to sting like it was being overly stretched. I held onto Howard even tighter.

"Is that a yes?!" I practically bounced, "W-we can be friends? Really?!"

"Yes! Fine! We can be…'friends'." Howard conceded, sounding similar to the way my dad does when he gives into buying me sweets when he knows they'll spoil my tea. "On one condition…"

"What's that?"

"Please stop touching me!"

I made a coy smile, my arms releasing Howard quickly. The bigger boy brushed himself off at the waist, watching me curiously, probably regretting his choice already. When he was finished, he cocked his head towards the entrance. "C'mon then, you little pimp."

"Aright, small eyes." I niggled back. He frowned for a moment, which didn't help to disprove my insult, before continuing to walk.

Before we'd even reached the gates, I'd linked my arm into his.

Howard sighed; "What did I just say?"

"No touching." I smiled. He raised an eyebrow and I added; "Which we're not doing. Our jackets are. You can't tell jackets what to do. If you could, they'd probably disagree and take over the world. Imagine that; Revenge of the Parka People!"

Howard laughed. Not a proper, child-like, normal laugh. More of a repressed, weakened, yet spirited laugh. But it was a laugh all the same. And it made my heart soar. I really miss that laugh of his.

* * *

**Hoped you like. And, remember, reviews dry bullied ickle Vincey's tears.**


	2. Abandoned

**Eeek! Sorry this took so long, I forgot that I was meant to be posting this on here. Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far**.

**Disclaimer: I don't own them......Oh, stop gasping, it's not a court-room drama. I also don't own the song on Vince's mums tape which is Melissa O' Neal's "Safe Place To Hide".**

* * *

Secondary school was a lot better than primary. Now my face had grown out more so that my eyes didn't look as if they were about to burst out through the sockets at any moment. Plus, Mum taught me how to use spray and gell to style my hair. It was beginning to look quite trendy. Sort of Rod Stewart-ish. I even got some complements on it from the closeted gays in Year 10. My posture was better too. I practiced walking in my mum's high heels with my back straight for an hour every day before school. It was almost physically impossible for me to duck my head to hide behind my fringe anymore - especially seeing as I didn't have much of one left. Howard, on the other hand, hadn't really changed at all. Thank Jagger.

Three years we'd been friends now. Things were the same as when they had started. Howard was still rubbish at school and constantly needing my help. It really confused me how he wasn't able to 'get' any of the stuff. He was so much more mature than me. He seemed to know a lot about things like old famous celebrities and - what creeped me out even more than his mustache - _jazz_. He sounded smart whenever he spoke to me, he just wasn't very quick. I never hesitated to help him out, just as he kept up his end of the deal. No one ever dared try it on with me, not when everyone knew my best mate was a giant who could beat up their dads, let alone them. Well, from what I'd learnt, Howard couldn't do that. But as long the other kids believed that he could, then I was safe.

When I got to twelve though, something happened, and suddenly worrying about being stabbed up by arse holes was the last thing on my mind. I tried not to let it get me down. I did my best to keep my typical sunshiney appearance. Then, one day, I was in maths class doing an algebra test. Just two minutes in, I could feel Howard trying to look over my shoulder.

"Vince!" He hissed. I looked up at him, already knowing what was coming. He winced at his almost blank answer paper. He'd only filled in his name, "I dunno what I'm doing?"

Sometimes I think, in the end, I did him no favours. He didn't even seem to try anymore.

Either way, I still lifted up my paper to show him the formula. Howard scanned it quickly and then nodded, leaning over to write in his answers. He took in things quickly as long as it was me that said them, apparently. I was about to go back to working on the next page of the quiz when Terry Black said out loud;

"Oi, Vince, is that your dad?!"

"No!" I snapped. A nerve was struck. I slammed my pencil down.

"WE'RE THE SAME AGE!" Howard cried. He always got upset whenever someone pointed out how much older he looked. I took it then that he wanted to the ground to swallow him up just as much as I did.

Not giving a stuff about the test, I got up out of my seat. "C'mon, Howard. Let's get out of here."

No one tried to stop us. They were happy to have the two biggest freaks of the school out of their sights. Plus the maths teacher had hung himself after handing out the tests so he didn't complain. It should've felt quite…exciting. Scandalous (I LOVE that word!). To be able to just walk out of such a boring lesson. It didn't though. Maybe in any other circumstance but not this one.

The first thing I did as soon as we got outside was kick my foot into a brick wall. I only wish I hadn't wore my new Chelsea boots to school as they aren't really good for protecting your toes. I cursed, biting my tongue and scrunching up my eyes. At least that let out some tension. I dunno if that felt worse than the pain inside me though. I then felt a pair of hands grip my shoulders.

"Woah there, little tornado." chided Howard softly, turning me around to face him. "What's a matter?"

"He shouldn't have said that Howard." I mumbled, frowning bitterly.

"What? Asking if I'm your dad? It's not the first time it's happened, Vince." said Howard, having calmed down from his initial frustrated response.

I shook my head; "They still shouldn't say it! You're not my da….You're not…"

When my voice began to trail off, Howard took my arm and gently lead me towards the benches to sit me down. He took up the space beside me. "Vince, this ain't about what Terry said, is it?"

"What d'you mean?"

"You've been all quiet and still all week. It ain't like you. You ain't even asked me one annoyingly pointless question yet."

"Fine. If you eat the pip in an orange, will an orange tree grow in your stomach?" I obliged him, dryly. Howard just gave me 'a look.' As if to say 'that's not good enough'. I sighed, folding my arms; "I'm just not in the mood, Howard…I've got more important things to worry about…"

"Like what?" He asked.

I shuffled, quiet as the grave.

"C'mon, Vince, you can tell me. We tell each other everything. Is someone threatening you again?"

"No…" I replied, wishing it was that simple. "My…Dad's ill. Really ill. He had a heart attack last weekend."

"Oh…!" I knew he hadn't expect it to be that serious. I also knew that his response would be this clueless and unhelpful. "…M'sorry, Vince. Why you didn't you tell me?"

I just shrugged. "It's not a big deal. He won't die or anything. I know he won't 'cause he promised me he won't. He's too strong for that. Mum believes in him so I have to as well."

That wasn't the only reason I didn't tell Howard. I knew that there was no way Howard would be able to understand. He'd told me before how he wasn't close to his parents. They were typical middle-class snobs, believed to be descended from some forgotten aristocratic bloodline, too interested in their money as their faces for the public to pay any attention to their son and daughter; Howard and his little sister Cree, who was still living in Leeds. Howard had been sent to live with his cousins in London because his father had believed it might toughen him up a bit, or at least that was the excuse he'd given. He didn't like to speak about his family much. So how could he understand just how scary this was for me?

And it was scary. I'd never been so scared in my entire life than when they took Dad into the E.R. I knew had to be brave for Mum, who was sobbing her heart out, when all I wanted to do was just break down in tears as well. He was okay though, in the end, the doctors managed to fix him up somewhat. The docs explained some things to my mum about what may have caused the heart attack and why my dad was having to be kept in but it all seemed to go over my head. Which was odd. I normally paid attention to learning about stuff, especially when it was important to me…but I just couldn't seem to focus. So Mum just told me to go sit by Dad's bed and talk to him even though he was sedated. I tried to talk, babble out about school and what me and Howard had been up to, like I always did. And Dad smiled in his sleep, showing somewhat he was listening.

I just couldn't get the image out of my head wherever I went. Dad. My dad. The man who'd picked me up from a high branch in our garden tree when I'd climbed higher than my fears could manage. The man who took me to my first Glastonbury festival at six years old. The man who would sit beside my bed when I fell asleep because I was scared of the Mod wolves attacking me for getting Ronnie Wood's autograph. The man who gave me my first cigar just two weeks ago, even though Mum nearly slapped him into next week and ignited a blazing row with him when she caught us. My dad. In that hospital bed. With all those wires plugged into his body. So weak and frail….

"Vince? You sure you're ok?" Howard's voice helped me drift out my bleak grey haze.

I nodded my head, forcing a smile. Dad would be fine. He never did get round to teaching me how to puff that cigar. He'd have to get out so we could sneak behind Mum's back again for him to show me. Not that I even wanted to smoke cigars.

"M'fine, Howard." I said lightly.

"Vince, it's ok to worry about your dad." said Howard, more understanding than I expected.

"But he'll be fine! He's coming out next Thursday so I ain't got anything to worry about."

"Oh.." Howard's face dropped, "So you won't be coming to mine for my birthday then?"

"Of course I am. We're picking up Dad at five and your party's starting at half six. Don't worry, I'll be there by then."

"Party?" Howard grimaced. "Vince, I told you, I don't want a party!"

"But I've invited everyone in our year. They've all said they wanna come."

"How the hell did you manage that?"

"Well, they all really like you. Secretly…And I also said there would be a bouncy castle in your garden."

"Vince, I don't HAVE a bouncy castle!"

"I know you don't, I'm giving you mine. It's my birthday present to you. Well…part of it." I said coyly.

Howard gave one of his rare smiles; "Oh really. What else have you got me then?"

"That'd be telling. Spoil the magic."

"Well, you've already told me half of it, so that's part of the magic gone." Howard reasoned. I frowned. Shit, he got me there. "You ain't even bought it yet, have you?"

"…Maybe. But you ain't got me those hoola hoops I asked you to buy me yesterday."

"I'll get them when you tell me what my present is!" Howard shot back, crossing his arms.

"You tight-wad!" I grinned from ear to ear.

"Greedy-saurus!"

"Bovril-stain!"

"Electro fairy!"

"Jazzy freak!"

Howard raised a finger mockingly; "Oi! I've warned you before. No disrespecting the jazz."

"Or what?" I challenged.

"Or you know what!" He forced an 'evil' snarl, leaning closer to me. "You know what!"

Of course I knew. But before I could make an attempt to jump up and run out of his reach, Howard's fingers were pouncing like ravenous leopards from their position at his sides and onto mine, digging into my rib cage and forcing me to burst into a fit of giggles. We eventually rolled off the bench and onto the small bit of grass at the edge of the playground. A couple of white butterflies flittered off before Howard's shoulders crushed their fragile little wings.

"Feel the power of my fusion guitar fingers, Vince!" teased Howard triumphantly.

"You - are - insane!" I giggled aloud, resenting my ticklish bony torso. "Get off!"

"I will when you stop laughing!" Howard countered. Never the less, his flurry of fingers was starting to slow down, coming to land to holding me down on the soft grass instead.

"So that mean I'm stuck with you forever then does it?" I grinned up at him, finally getting a hold of my senses again. "Thought you said you couldn't handle me forever."

Howard smiled wryly; "I suppose I'd just have to put up with you, won't I."

"Yeah, you will…" I smiled. An atmosphere sparked between us for a couple of seconds after that. I swear somewhere I could hear a crackle like the sound of rice krispies in the morning.

This is something I never imagined. I never saw Howard as the fun and frolicking type. Turns out, that's just a front that he likes to put on for the rest of the kids in our year. To make out that he is older. More mature. In truth, he's just as much a kid as I am. Probably more at times. Cree must have been the luckiest girl in the world having Howard for a big brother. I figured that was why their dad had wanted to harden Howard up by sending him to London, the shock-horror fear of him playing a second (and obviously better) father to a little girl turning him into a sissy. Which, to be fair, he is in a lot of ways. Not that I cared back then.

"Honestly, Howard," I said seriously, looking up at him, "I'll make sure you have the best party next week. Everyone's gonna love this bouncy castle. You're gonna be the most popular guy in school!"

"D'you reckon so?" He asked, doubtful but not down.

Ok, so maybe he wouldn't be the most popular guy in school. But I had recently found out that he wasn't completely repulsive to the human race as I first thought. A girl had come up to me the other day asking what straighteners I used. She also managed to twist this conversation somehow from Nicky Clarke to Howard within a space of five seconds. She said her and a few of her friends were interested to know what he was about. What his secrets were. Apparently a lot of the older girls found something…mysterious about Howard. It was the 'older' thing. Of course they couldn't say anything or else they'd be called freaks. It made me giggle though.

Looking up at him now, I could sort of see what they meant. He was a mystery. Even to me and I knew him better than anyone in the school. He was serious, but fun - in a repressed kind of way. He was slow - but smart. A bit of a coward, I'd learnt to accept, but still managed to make me feel safe and protected. Just by his presence. And those curls in his hair were quite cute. And those eyes. Those deep, intense, hot brown eyes. Yeah. I could definitely see what those girls saw in him. For some reason, knowing that I had what they wall wanted, made me go all jittery. None of them could have this much fun with him. None of them had the privilege of witnessing his gorgeous smile this close up. Only me.

Howard slapped me lightly on the chest; "What're you smirking up at, chewy teeth?"

"Nothing." I lied, my tongue in my cheek. "Just your hair that looks like it's been dragged through a bush backwards, which the bush didn't like and had to beat up with it's branch arms."

He slapped me lightly again before rolling off of me. We both just sat there, bathed in a pool of sunlight, Howard's squinting eyes looking out across the playground, while mine continued looking fondly at him.

After a while he turned to me; "Stuff the school. Let's go to the ice rink and get some slush puppies, yeah?"

The smile threatened to bounce off my cheeks. "Yeah, genius! We can talk to that kid who works there. Lenny or…Leroy or sommat. Ey, maybe we can invite him to your party?"

"Mmmm. I was fine with just you coming round y'know." He said, slowly getting to his feet.

Only me. He only ever wants to be with me. A zillion butterflies were having a rave in my stomach.

=**The following Thursday**=

My fingers felt over the smooth silk fabric. It was a light creamy colour and boded well with the black sequins on the flap. It always was her favourite. I preferred her mauve one if I'm honest. It had a purple bow on the clasp that was just wicked. And it was from that guy. Her favourite designer. _"Mr. Jacket"_, I used to call him as a nipper, which would always make her giggle at me.

"There you are, you little shit! Prepare to die!"

It took a few moments for me firstly to recognise the voice and secondly to realize that I was the one being addressed. I raised my head up from the bag in my hands to see Howard storming up the garden path towards me. His face was fixed into a contemptuous frown but there was also something else wrong with it. It seemed…lumpier than usual. And with shades of black and blue that I doubt were there before. It reminded me though, thank heavens. I remembered to toss my bang over my forehead before Howard noticed.

I forced my trademark twenty-watt grin; "Alright Howard!"

"No I am not sodding alright!" He practically screamed, fists clenched either side of him, teeth clenched. "Does it LOOK like I'm alright?!"

Yeah. Howard always looked alright. More than.

Although, I had to admit, I soon figured out what those bumps and marks on his head were. Bruises. Very nasty bruises. His head was like the warn-out footballs we had at school. Only a bit less floppy. There was a slight pull in my stomach. I clutched at the bag in my hand tighter. Why was I getting the sinking feeling that this was my fault?

Easy. Because everything was my fault.

"Uhmm…What happened?" I asked, sounding a lot less concerned then I should have, I know. But I'd been sitting there on the front doorstop of my house for a while now, and for a Summers night, the wind was a little bit chilly.

"I'll tell you, shall I?" Howard fumed. Well, yes, that was the point. "Nearly thirty kids came to my birthday party tonight, Vince! THIRTY kids came round expecting a bouncy castle…"

I looked back down at the handbag. I'd like to go to Paris some day. Real Paris, of course, with the Eiffel Tower and the big shops and the cool museum with all the famous artwork. I was fine with museums as long as they had genius pictures inside of them. That was the Paris I was gonna ask to be taken to on my thirteenth birthday. I always loved our shopping trips, even if they did make Dad roll his eyes to the back of his head, surely Paris would've been the ultimate pleasure. And the ultimate torture for Dad. I wonder why she was never a model. Her height? Surely modelling is more about beauty than height. She was the most beautiful woman in the world.

"…And so I've spent the last thirty minutes having thirty kids feet jumping on my HEAD!" Howard's furious explosive shrill caught my attention again.

My head snapped back up, dizzy, so I had to blink a lot; "W-why did they do that?"

"BECAUSE YOU PROMISED THEM A BOUNCY CASTLE SO THEY WERE GONNA GET A BOUNCY CASTLE EITHER WAY!"

"Oh…" I nodded, rubbing the soft silk again. "Did they take their shoes off?"

Howard was quiet for a moment. I wasn't looking at him so I didn't know what his expression was like, sorry.

"….Yes, but that's not the point!" He yelled, stamping his feet on the pavement. "YOU said you were bringing the bouncy castle! You PROMISED. I waited there for hours for you and you just wouldn't come. I rang you but you wouldn't answer the bloody phone, would you? I bet you couldn't hear it over your stupid electro nonsense blaring out of your room! Where is the bouncy castle, VINCE?"

I tilted my head backwards; "In the garden, in a box."

"Well…why is it there?! Why didn't you bring it round like you promised?!" Howard's voice kept sounding as if it was gonna wake up all the animals. Which reminded me that they were all inside. Hungry. That's if they were still there. A toe needled into my shin, "VINCE! Why didn't you bring it round?!"

I shrugged; "Forgot."

"…YOU FORGOT?!" I could see Howard's hands shaking, his fingers clawed as if ready to start tickling me again. Only I wasn't exactly in the mood.

"Yeah. Sorry Howard."

He stood there in front of me. Huffing and puffing. He reminded me of that wolf in that story. I was lucky our house was made out of bricks, which is a good thing because my tree house was made out of sticks and apparently that isn't the best wolf-resistant material. I was about Howard if he wants to help me rebuild it…

"Why did you do it, Vince? Why did you promise me if you knew you weren't gonna come?" Howard didn't sound so much angry anymore. He sounded more…disappointed. Which was always worse.

"I didn't know I wasn't gonna come." I explained, still not meeting eye contact, stroking the handbag in my lap. "I wanted to come as well…I wanted to see you become popular…"

"Slim chance of that happening now, isn't it!" He half-scoffed, half-hissed. He hated me then. I know he did. I could feel it radiating from him. The only guilt I could feel was that I didn't really care that he hated me. He paused for a moment. Then; "Why are you holding that handbag?"

"M'looking after it." I said simply. "Until Mum gets back."

"Wh…where is she? Thought you said you were bringing your dad home today?"

"Yeah…uhmm…" He deserved to know. I reached up my hand to fiddle with the back of my hair; "About that….turns out he's not coming home today…"

Another guilty pause; "Oh…Don't they think he's better enough?" Howard's tone softened a little. "They gonna keep him in an extra day."

Thing is, if we went to Paris then it also means we'd have to go somewhere he likes as well. But Dad always so laid back that he'd be happy just going to another music festival or even a theme park - Mum always said that she had to suffer with two big kids in the house. We could go to somewhere more traditional like Majorca or Cyprus, even though Mum would complain about the sun burning up her skin too much and not looking good with a tan.

Oh yeah.

Howard asked me a question.

"Not exactly. Uh…We were on our way to pick Dad up from the 'ospital at five….Mum was really excited. She kept talking to me all the way in the car. T-telling me to try not to jump on him too much. To help him out when he looked too tired and all that…I kept saying 'Yes, Mum' over and over….She just kept fussing over me though, kept making sure I looked good…A-and that was quite a tricky job coz I was in the back seat….So she really didn't have time to focus on the road…"

I wondered how many different type of hats there were in Paris. Probably loads of all different sizes. For some reason, I couldn't imagine any cowboy hats. That was quite sad. They were my favourite. Cowboy hats in France. Just seemed like a contradicting image. They probably had a silver one at least somewhere.

"…And, uhmm, we were on the motorway…which I always hate going on 'cause Dad always yells at Mum when she's driving to get in the r-right lane but Mum says all the cars scare her…There weren't many cars on the road tonight though…Just a lorry that came out of no where whilst Mum looked back over her shoulder to tell me I was…gorgeous…"

What would a silver cowboy hat go with? Black drainpipes sound quite fitting. I'd need to get a jacket as well. Black with diamond studs along it like a rock star. That'd be genius. I'd look like the most fashionable cowboy in Western Europe. Well there must be others presides me.

"…The lorry just slammed into the side of the c-car and…it like…tossed it over…M-mum had always told me, if a crash happened, to put my heads between my legs…s-so I did. It was so quick…And s-so loud…Everything went upside down, Howard…When I opened my eyes, I was upside down…I called Mum's name but she wouldn't answer…"

"Vince…" Howard took a jaded step towards me.

"…I panicked…I unbuckled my seatbelt and sort of fell…landed on the ceiling of the car…I wasn't hurt…much…I couldn't really feel any pain…There was just so much smoke and…f-fire…"

Howard's hand tentatively reached forward to sweep back some of the hair from my forehead. What he saw made him gasp, stumbling back slightly with his hands over his mouth, tears in his eyes. I just stayed still as if he hadn't touched me.

"…T-the man from the lorry…h-he got out fine…a-and he came over and tried to get me out of the car…The fire was getting bigger…But I didn't wanna leave until Mum woke up…"

I wondered if I'd be tall enough to be a model. She'd be well proud. I wasn't a stick figure like the ones she always scoffed at. She was slim but not skinny. A slight curvy mother's figure. Perfect.

"…I kept nudging her on the shoulder…S-saying we had to get out and get to Dad…I thought she'd really want to go, she was so excited, I didn't get why she'd want to just fall asleep…Her head was slammed forward into the windscreen…So much blood…She hates seeing blood…M-maybe that's why she passed out….I think I did too….'Cause somehow I was pulled out of there even though I promised I wouldn't leave her…Th-then….the car…I watched it, y'know…explode…Like something in a movie…"

Not the movies I like of course. Action thrillers aren't really my cup of tea. I'm more a comedy and musical lover. It was always difficult when me and Howard went to the cinema together.

"…I managed to save her handbag though!" I smiled triumphantly up at Howard, who was looking down at me with the oddest of expressions on his face. For one thing, he was crying. "Don't you like the handbag, Howard? Trust you! This is vintage as well…" He wouldn't know style if it suffocated him.

I could never go to Paris with Howard. He'd hate it. I clutched Mum's handbag to my chest tighter, rocking slightly back forth as I began to get colder. There was a deathly silence. I hated silence. It was a right boring bastard. Then, slowly, Howard's hands came forward to land on mine that, I noticed, were quite sooty and red. If Mum had seen them then she'd've dragged me into the bathroom and washed them throughrougly under warm water until they were back to their usual porceline clarity, before kissing each of my slightly stinging scrubbed nuckes and telling me to go back and play.

Howard's hands pressed down. His touch was always so warm; "Vince?"

"Mmm?"

"…You should be in hospital." He said gently, "D'you understand? You've just been in a car crash…"

"Of course I understand, Howard. I'm not four years old." I giggled lightly. He was so silly, "But I can't go to hospital…It doesn't even hurt, honestly…"

"Okay…" Howard reasoned, his tone so steady, "But think about your dad, yeah? He's just found out what has happened to your mum. And he's sick. He needs you with him."

I laughed again; "No he doesn't, Howard! He doesn't need me. He doesn't need anyone anymore…"

"Vince, what are you talking about?" Howard's hands were still firmly on mine.

"Well….it's kinda funny really…Y'see, when they called my dad up…to tell him about the accident…He, uhmm…" I was struggling to speak, the knot in my stomach getting smaller.

"It's ok, little man…"

"Uhmm…He kinda had another heart attack…Typical, ey? What are the odds?" I laughed out loud, probably waking some of the elderly neighbours. "And…it was such a strong one…It really finished him off…Th-they couldn't save him. Guess he really wanted to be with Mum…Of course he'd wanna be with her and not me…S'only right, innit Howard?…So, uh…Yeah…."

Another killer-long silence.

I gasped aloud, making Howard jump. I smiled, dazed at him; "I'm really sorry, Howard! I'm really sorry I didn't come to your birthday party…I'm such a terrible friend, ain't I?" More out-of-place giggles erupted from me.

Howard was watching me with a mixture of pity and absolute terror. I must have seemed like a complete nut-box, sitting there hugging my mum's handbag, on the doorstep, laughing away all my troubles. Tears slid down his cheeks. I envied him so much at that moment but I didn't let it show.

"Vince…you're not a terrible friend. It wasn't your fault…I'm so sorry Vince, god, I'm so sorry for…" His words trailed off into a tearful stammer. He clasped a hand over his mouth to shut himself up. A rare thing for Howard Moon to do to himself. "…Vince. You should still be at the hospital, little man…"

I shook my head, still smiling; "Nah. They already stitched me up in the ambulance. Dad said I as the man of the house while he was gone. I ran away straight after they told me at the hospital that he'd….gone."

"How long ago was that?"

"Three hours…Four, maybe."

"And you've been out here all this time?"

I nodded; "I…didn't wanna go in…it's such a big house when it's just me in there…even with the animals. A-and I dunno how to break it to them, Howard. Especially Brian Ferry. He loves Dad to bits. Jahooli's gonna be heartbroken when I tell her Mum didn't manage to buy her that scratching post…"

"You can't stay out here on the doorstop, Vince."

"I HAVE to, Howard." I said firmly, hugging the bag again. "I'm waiting for Charlie. He always looked after me when Mum and Dad aren't around."

Howard sighed, sounding close to exasperated. "Vince…Charlie's not gonna come, alright?"

I glared at him. How dare say that about my oldest friend? What he jealous or something?

"He IS coming!" I snapped through gritted teeth.

Howard's hands took hold of my shoulders; "Look at me, Vince…When was the last time you saw, Charlie?"

"He IS coming…" I ignored his stupid question.

Charlie was always there. He was always with me. Not very much recently of course because I didn't need him as much. I had Howard. I could more fun stuff with Howard whereas Charlie was invisible most of the time so it was a bit more tricky. He still came into my room at night though and talked to me about his adventures. Not when Howard was sleeping over, of course. Charlie did like Howard though. He thought he was funny. He is funny. Whenever I tell Howard that though, he takes it the wrong way and frowns like a grumpy bulldog.

"Charlie IS coming…Charlie is coming…Charlie is coming…"

I kept on rocking back and forth until the world began to fizzle out around me.

"Vince…? Vince, it's alright. I've got you…I've got you…"

Everything became much darker, even though there was a streetlight just outside our house, plus all the lights were left on indoors. All I could feel was the soft handbag clutched against my stomach. Then I was vaguely aware of hands rummaging through it so I held it tighter to me. Mum would kill me if I let it get stolen or damaged. It stayed on my lap thought. I heard a jingle-jangle like sleigh bells. But it was July. Santa should really sort out his calendar. I was vaguely aware of Howard moving around me. Then I felt like I was flying up into the air, just for a blissful moment, where I thought I was flying up to heaven to join my parents. Turns out I was just being half-carried, my arm slung over Howard's neck, to be taken into the house.

Brian Ferry barked as soon as we got in, asking where Dad was. I was too tired to answer him. Weird. I wasn't this tired before. Where had that come from? I couldn't even keep my eyes open, let alone walk properly or stand up straight. My head rolled against Howard's shoulder. Something seemed to have sucked all the strength out of me while I was on that doorstep. Maybe it was some weird vampire bat that I'd failed to notice. I was still clutching Mum's bag under my arm. This was so stupid. I couldn't fall asleep there was so much to do. The animals needed to be fed. The heating needed to be turned off. The rabbits needed to have their hutch changed. My hands needed to be cleaned. I couldn't fall asleep now. Not this early. Everything crumbled in on me and I couldn't stop myself from mewling it all out against Howard's soft neck.

"Shhh….shhh, don't worry, little man," I could hear Howard whispering to me softly as I clung onto him, telling him all the things that I needed to do, "…Yes, yes, I'll sort it all…Yeah, I'll do that too, it's no problem…Of course I won't forget….Yeah. Yeah of course I'll stay here with you…No, if anyone calls, I'll tell them I'm a family friend who looks after you, okay?…I'll take care of everything, you just need to go to bed…"

I managed to raise my head a little; "…Mum and Dad's bed…"

"…Ok." Howard answered, sounding a little surprised and reluctant. Not too long after, when I realized we'd reached the top of the stairs, Howard pulled me along a little more until slowly laying - I remember he laid me down, instead of letting me fall - onto my parent's giant, soft and cool mattress. I flopped down like a rag doll, not even bothering to curl up into a comfortable position.

Howard stroked some hair off my face; "I'll go get your pajamas, alright?"

"No…just get me…under my bed…." I mumbled, so very tired; "…In a blue shoe-box…Just bring it to me….and please don't laugh, Howard…"

He frowned at me with confusion. He didn't question me though. He knew I wasn't up for that. I wasn't up for anything anymore and it felt as I never would be again. It was almost painful to watch him leave the room, turning the light off but leaving the landing light on for me, then disappearing. Even if he did only go down the hall. Then my eyes shifted to my dad's football shirt that was draped unceremoniously over the dresser across the room…

A minute later, Howard walked slowly back into the room, nearly tripping up over the bundle of clothes now thrown on the floor. My clothes. He looked up to see me, lying in the same position he'd left me, only now dressed in nothing but my dad's West Ham shirt that swamped me so much that I could just curl up in it like a sporty cocoon. The proverbial smell of tobacco and spilt tomato sauce floated up to my senses. I was glad Mum hadn't washed it. I guess it was because she'd used it for the same comfort I was.

Howard came and sat on the bed, the blue shoe box in his hand. He opened it slowly and took out the thing I was worried he'd laugh at me for. His face was as serious as it ever was though. "This him, little man?"

I nodded, reaching my arms out to take George from him, swapping him for Mum's handbag which Howard took to put on the bedside table. George, not rabbit George, was a stuffed bear dressed in a knitted blue jumper, a football scarf and a woollen hat. Dad had won him for me at a fun fair when I was six before taking me to see my first game at Wembley stadium. He was probably wearing the shirt I was wearing that day as well. I cuddled George tight to my chest, noticing Howard watching me with a small smile on his face. At least he wasn't laughing.

Still, I blushed; "Don't tell anyone. He just helps me sleep sometimes is all…"

"I won't tell a soul." He swore meaningfully. He then looked back into the box, pulling something else out; "What about this?" He held a cassette tape in his hand, with loads of little hearts dotted on the label. No words. I knew what it was by heart.

I nodded again; "Put on the stereo, please…"

Howard went over to Mum's stereo on the dressing table and popped the cassette in. He then pressed the play button. After a couple seconds of silence, a soft chord was struck, gentle music filling the room. Music that, I'm guessing from the look on Howard's face, he didn't think I'd be caught dead listening to. At least it wasn't jazz.

He was confused, not that I blame him, until the vocalist started to sing. Then a look of recognition dawned on him. He turned to look back at me curled up on the bed with George in my arms. I saw him smile fondly. I smiled back. Not as a big smile as I'd've liked to have given. Not the kind he deserved after being so nice to me. Especially after I forgot his birthday party.

**_I can feel  
How it pulls at you  
It pulls at me too_**

**_I would run away to the world I left behind  
I will find away back to you…_**

Howard walked back up to the bed. He gently tugged back the duvet from where it was under me without much effort as I was so light. When it was out from under me, he draped it over me until just mine and George's head on the pillows were showing. I didn't think he was gonna tuck me in as well. But he did. I'm surprised I didn't crumble when he stroked my hair again.

**_I was, always there for you  
Always cared for you  
And I'm still  
Right here guarding you  
Watching over you…_**

"Do you need anything else?" Howard asked sweetly, over the sound of my mum's voice.

**_Though I'm miles away  
From the world I left behind  
I will find a way back to you_**

I shook my head. "M'fine thanks, Howard." My voice seemed to be shrinking.

"I'll sort everything in the house out. Then I'll come straight back, alright?"

I nodded, inwardly cursing myself. I really was such an evil, ugly person…

**_And when you've got no where to turn  
And you're all alone  
When your walls a breaking  
Yet there's no escaping_**

When Howard was gone, I started biting down on my lip. What the hell was wrong with me?

They weren't coming back. They were never gonna come back. Why had I kept thinking they'd fly back for me? They were in heaven now. Together. Why would they ever wanna see me again?

Especially when you think how much traffic there must be heaven, all those taxi cabs bustling along the slipstreams. And they didn't die together. They must have been in different cabs. I wondered if they'd even found each other yet. It must have been more hassle than at an airport or Kings Cross station.

The last thing they were gonna talk about, when they did find each other, was gonna be me…

It was all my fault. Mum called me gorgeous. She lost her focus. It was all my fault.

She shouldn't have had to call me the thing that I know I'm not.

**_I, I'd fly through the night  
To get back to your side  
I will be your safe place to hide_**

Her voice wafted round the room, wrapping me in a pair of slender, invisible arms that my brain could keep still and secure there for just a moment - before it gave up on me once more. She lied. Twice.

She was never gonna be able to sing again. She was the queen of the karaoke at our local pub. Even Howard had recognised her voice on the tape. She always loved to sing. She'd made me this tape when I was three and I had trouble sleeping. My lullaby tape.

God, I was so pathetic. Why wasn't Howard laughing at me?

Because Howard wasn't laughing at me. Howard was taking care of everything for me. Howard was taking care of me. After everything I'd done to him today. Or hadn't done to him today.

**_I'll be there by your side  
The safe place that you hide  
'cause nothings really changing  
I'm just a few more miles away_**

**_And when you've got no where to turn  
And you're all alone.  
Your walls are a breaking,  
Yet there's no escaping…_**

Barely half an hour later. The tape had rewound back to the start.

Howard knocked on the door, probably expecting me to be asleep. I really should be, considering the wave of tiredness that had hit me earlier. It was still drowning me slightly. But my mind seemed to be fighting against it. He popped his head through the open door.

"Hey…" He smiled when he saw I was still awake.

"Hi." I said sleepily, my face half buried in the pillows. It made my greeting come out as an embarrassing squeak. I cringed, hoping Howard wouldn't notice, but he let out a small chuckle.

He came back over and sat on the bed again. He reached out a hand to take mine that before was wrapped around George; "Everything's all sorted now, Vince." He clutched my hand tight.

I nodded; "Thanks Howard."

"Don't mention it." He smiled, his thumb rubbing over my hand, "Anything else I can do?"

I nodded again, lifting my head up this time.

"…Hold me."

I'd never forget just how small and childish my own voice sounded when I said those two words. I'd never be able to refuse that request if it was given to me by anyone. A boiling surge of embarrassment rose in my tummy as soon as they came out of my mouth, realizing just how ridiculous and babyish I must have seemed right then. Howard still didn't say anything. The fact that I was asking him to break one of the founding agreements of our friendship wasn't even mentioned.

Instead, he just pulled the covers up and over himself, before shuffling up close beside me. He turned on his side and reached an arm out over my own to pull me closer. The smell of my dad's dirty old shirt became mixed with the Howard-y scent of tweed and old spice. What kind of thirteen year old - or fifteen, sixteen, however old he was - boy wore old spice? I didn't ask. I was just glad he was here.

I'd missed him so much when he was gone. It had actually hurt being so alone. I never used to let myself be alone. Even when no one was around, I'd invent people to keep me company. Why was that so difficult all of a sudden? Almost…impossible. I needed Howard. I needed him with me, always. Just until I got my gift back.

**_"I'd fly through the night  
To get back to your side  
To be your safe place to hide"_**

"Vince," He whispered to me after a while.

"Yeah, Howard?"

"Vince…it's ok to cry, y'know. You've just had two terrible things happen to you in the space of an evening. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. And I'd feel a lot better if you did."

I nodded my head, my hair rubbing against his chin in an almost teasing way if it had been any other day; "I know, Howard. I'm not ashamed to cry. I just…I don't know how to. I wish I could do, honest, I know I should but I'm just so…I dunno why I'm not crying, Howard, m'scared that there's something wrong with me…"

Howard reached his other arm under me and pulled me closer to him, holding me in the same way I was holding George, who was suffocating between the both of us. "Shh now, little man. It's alright," Howard whispered, hands stroking through my hair, "It's alright. You're in shock is all. It'll come. Whenever you're ready to is fine. I'll be right here when you do."

"Promise?" I tearlessly whimpered against his jumper.

"On Howard Moon's honour. You can trust that with your life, sir."

And I did. With my life. Howard would be there for me. Howard would always be there for me. I trusted that from the moment he promised it to me.

My eyelids were getting heavier once more. I was more than ready to fall asleep in Howard's arms, even if I had nothing certain to wake up to the next day. I snuggled further into his soft, warm body, letting him pat my hair and continue whisper soothing words into my ears. He was expecting me to break. Crumble. Let go.

I wonder, looking back now, if he'd known back then just how long he'd have to wait for me to do so - would he have bothered making the promise he did?

* * *

**Reviews make my day. Just thought I'd drop that little hint there. Thanks for reading x**


	3. Don't Touch Me

**O Hai! Here I am again. Warning, this chapter contains reference and build up to student/teacher abuse. Nothing too graphic but quite intense. Hope I don't offend anyone with it.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine. Not even a smidget. Which, if you don't know, is the cross between a smidgen and a midget.  
**

* * *

"WHAT? But…y-you can't! You just can't!"

"I have to, Vince. I've got no reason to stay here anymore."

That just scraped my wound down deeper. "Wha…what about me?"

My voice was stretched to the point of squeaking. I must have sounded like an injured mouse. Howard's eyes twinkled at me, sadly, with that usual look he gives me when he feels guilty just for hurting my feelings. Well, that's what he used to do. Before he stopped caring.

"You'll be ok, little man. You don't need me around here anymore." He said softly, patting me on the arm.

"That's not true!"

Of course it wasn't true. Not completely. Things had improved a lot in the past year, I suppose that was true. No one called me ugly anymore and no one snarled at me as they passed me in the corridors. In fact, some people actually had begun to smile at me. Girls, especially. And when they talked to me, it wasn't just to ask about what hair products I used, or even to slyly ask about Howard (though I did still get a lot of that from the girls I least expected to ask. Like Misty Brent, the football team captain's girlfriend for one, that knocked me for six only that morning). Yes, things had definitely improved. But that didn't mean that I didn't need my best friend anymore.

My heart was attempting the 300 metres in thirty seconds. It had started to race as soon as Howard had told me that he was leaving school. I mean…surely people can't do that! All kids complain about school so much; surely if you could just leave, then they would do it without a seconds thought. We'd only just begun our GCSE's. I knew Howard hadn't been into choosing his options as he'd basically just picked all the same ones as me. Which was great because it meant we might be in the same classes together. I'd been so excited; the thought of learning Art with Howard - not that he was into it at all - but the thought of us flicking paint at each other at the back of the classroom was pure mind-candy. How could he suddenly want to leave me?

"Please, Howard, I know you hate school, but-" I tried to reason but Howard cut me off with a wave of his hand. Anyone would think he was a magician.

"It's not that I hate school. I'm rubbish at it and I always will be. I'm sick of trying over and over again, just for nothing."

"But you've been doing so much better! You barely copy off me anymore. You didn't even ask for the answers in that maths exam yesterday."

Howard sighed, his eyes darting away from me. I could tell he wanted to say something but was having some sort of struggle with his brain cell - like I usually have - over whether to say it or not. I frowned. Since when was Howard afraid to tell me stuff?

Then he looked at me, that pitiful look still glinting in his eyes; "Vince…you know why I don't copy off you anymore."

I blinked.

"What's the point in copying someone when they've got the wrong answers?" Howard shrugged.

Oh. So that was it.

I looked down at the floor, shuffling the toe of my boot into the ground. It was no secret how badly my marks had been slipping over the past few years. It wasn't my fault though. I just seemed to have struggled paying attention like I used to. It's weird. I swear there was a time when school seemed more…exciting. Where lessons brought fresh pick n mix bags of knowledge that fascinated me. Lately, however, it all seemed pointless. I mean; when the hell was knowing a stupid period table of confusing letters gonna help me in life? And as for maths….the formulaes had suddenly become jargon before my eyes.

The only lessons I weren't failing in anymore where art, textiles, catering and English. Well, English was a bit of a lie, because my spelling was atrocious. Who reads a book for the spelling though? You read it for the story, not if the writer has remembered to a put a k in front of the word 'now' or whatever. And the stories we studied now were so dull. Why couldn't we have stuck to adventure and fantasy books? That's why I'd started writing my own lately, in class, mainly about Charlie. I missed Charlie.

"Vince." Howard said my name as if snapping a pair of invisible fingers. I was still here.

I shrugged, hands in my pocket; "M'sorry, Howard. I dunno why I've got so…stupid, lately. I am trying. Honest."

"You don't seem to be. So all your teachers keep saying." He sounded so much like Uncle Randolph. Without the French accent. "You're always off in your own little world."

"Not all the time." I mumbled back. It was only in lessons. Not when me and Howard were together. Like now.

"I need you in class though, Vince, to help me. I'm useless at it if you don't understand it."

So he's leaving because I can't help him out in class anymore? It seemed so unfair that my throat tightened on it's own, squeezed by some evil invisible hand, choking the hope and light out of me. Then I remembered the agreement of our friendship. I looked up, my eyes wide and my chest pounding even harder than before.

"Howard…Please don't go…" I reached forward and gripped his wrists. He didn't shake me off but he didn't respond to the touch either. He just looked at me.

"There's nothing left for me here." His voice lay down to a whisper.

_There's me_.

I tried tell him that with my eyes. I didn't say it to him. There was this gnawing going on in the pit of my tummy that was feeding off what Howard had just said to me. He didn't wanna be around me anymore now that I couldn't help him with school work. Was that the only reason he ever wanted to hang around me? Because I came in useful?

No. No, it couldn't be. He's my best friend. My only real friend. Sure, I wasn't as lonely as I used to be. I had a few people I could consider 'friends' now. There was Leroy for one. He gave me and Howard free slush puppies now and told us funny stories about the skaters at his work. Joey Moose from the year above sat next to me in wood tech and told me about his adventures in Australia a lot. Not to mention a handful of others who seem to light up whenever I bounced towards them. None of them were Howard though.

Taking a deep breath, I put my hands up to Howard's shoulders. It must look like I was about to get down on my knees and beg at any moment. Like the time I begged him to be friends with me. I felt just as desperate and pathetic as I did back then. Only at that moment I felt I now had more to lose.

"I'll get better, Howard. I'll try much harder. I promise. I'll be smart again. I'll eat lots of tuna and stuff. Dolphins are smart, they can make me smart too."

"You're a vegetarian." Howard pointed out.

"I'll leave the vegetables alone for a while then. Give the carrots a rest and a chance to lay about in the dirt longer and chat with the 'taters."

Howard smiled at me. My heart buzzed. Did this mean he was gonna stay? No. No, I could see it in his slowly slipping smile. It was just a smile over the words I'd chosen to use, not what I meant by saying them. Maybe I could use that. If I started being even more cute and funny then he'd have to stay. I'm always able to make him melt just by a flash of teeth and cocking my head to the side cheekily. But now he's hard as rock candy.

It's then that I remembered where my hands are still perched. Wincing inwardly, I removed them, shuffling back and putting them in my jacket pockets, embarrassed. I heard a sort of suppressed huff, like one percent of a laugh, breathe from Howard's lips. I looked up at him through my fringe, defeated. He kept smiling at me and his hands flopped out from their stiff places at his sides. He moved up to me and put his arms around my small frame. I shuffled into him, slowly snaking my arms around his middle, nestling my head beneath his chin. I loved his hugs.

"You're really going, aren't you?" I mumbled, weakly, against him.

He raised a hand to pat my hair; "'Fraid so, little man…It's just school though. You'll be finished in a couple of years. The time will fly by."

"But where will you go?" I looked up at him. "I mean…What you gonna do? You won't go back to Leeds will you?!"

"Of course not! I wouldn't go back there if they paid me." He frowns and I feel him cringe in my arms. "Maybe I'll go to visit Cree now and then but I can always pay for her to come and see me. Don't worry, I'm still staying in London at my cousins until I can afford a place of my own."

"But where will you work? Whose gonna employ a fourteen year old with no GCSE's and can't really do anything other than play a trumpet?"

"Vince, you must know by now that I'm not really….Never mind," He shakes his head. "Look, d'you remember that small zoo we visited a couple of weeks back in Shoreditch?"

I nodded; "You mean the one with the little fat man running around in tight blue pants, beating his chest and putting bras on baboons?" The nightmares were as vivid as ever.

"Yeah, that one….That's where I'm going."

I reeled back; "What?! But, you can't! You can't live in a zoo! Especially not that one, it was well under-funded, it'd be 'orrible! And what with that freaky manager roaming around, you'd never get a wink of sleep-"

"I'm not going to live there, you peanut!" Howard cut me off incredulously.

"Oh. That's good. I don't really wanna have to pay to visit you somewhere every day. I still would've done it though and brought you decent food…"

"Vince. I'm going to _work _there!" He told me firmly. "They needed zookeepers so I applied. It's probably the only zoo in the world that didn't check their applicants for qualifications. According to the manager, as long as I knew which end to feed the animals and which end to not put my dick in if I can help it - his words, not mine - then I was perfect for the job."

Wow. Working at a zoo. I remember thinking just how amazing that sounded to my little mind back then. I loved animals. I missed the ones I used to have when I lived with my….at my old home. I had so many animals with me, all of them a friend to me, like my own mini zoo. Or mini-forest even. Of course, there was no way they could come to live with me after 'That Night' and I had to move in with my uncle up town. Even though Uncle Randolph was loaded, with a proper mansion and a garden as big as the school playing field, I knew from the beginning he wouldn't dare allow any animals in his house. He was reluctant to take me in as it was, and considering how much my mum's family were disgraced with her divorcing her blue blood French dynasty roots to live the typical blue collar cockney life with my old man, I'm surprised he was willing at all to take in his estranged sister's orphaned son.

We didn't get on, me and Uncle Randolph, and since I'd moved into his house he'd only said about ten sentences to me. And I'd been living with him for nearly three years. Occasionally he'd ask about how I was getting on at school or tell me to make myself presentable (or, better yet, scarce) for a party he'd be organising for the rest of his posh 'acquaintances'. Other than that, he tended to keep out of my way, just as I tried my best to stay out of his. The only people I got on with in that house were the maids and the house cook, Mona. They called me 'the little duke' and loved to fuss over me like the soppy but lovely old ladies they were, feeding me soft cheese whilst I'd lay in the hammock in the garden, lost in my imagination. Still, I couldn't talk to them about anything. The only person I've ever been really able to talk to, since my family and Charlie disappeared, was Howard.

Howard. Howard who I was still holding onto, slightly, my hands clasped on his sides, whilst his held my skinny arms just a small gap away from his body. His hands felt so huge whenever they were on me. Powerful. Five years on and he was still so much taller and bigger than me. Not that I hadn't grown as well. I'd was a lot taller than I thought I'd ever be by fourteen and I'd filled out a bit around my cheeks and middle - partly thanks to Mona's hot apple pies and sticky toffee puddings. But whenever Howard was beside me he had a habit of unintentionally shrinking me down to that shaken-up nine year old he was helping to his find his feet in our old Primary school playground.

"I don't want you to go…" I confessed, relaxing forward against Howard once more. "M'gonna miss you so much."

"Ey…C'mon now. We had good times. They can never take those moments away from us," soothed Howard, wrapping his arms around me again, "We'll still see each other. We'll still be able to hang out."

"Not every day though…You're gonna be busy workin' and…"

"Vince, trust me," Not that he needed to say that. "All my shifts in the week are in the morning until about half two. Then I make up the rest of the time on the weekends when I do the night shifts. I can still come and see you every day if you want."

The heavy weight that had been dropped in my lungs when Howard had told me he was leaving was beginning to lighten. My eyes widened up at him, hopefully; "Seriously?…Oh, Howard, that's fantastic!"

"See? I told you it weren't gonna be that bad. You're such a drama queen!" He laughed, ruffling my hair affectionately.

"M'not!" I grinned, swatting his hands away and shoving myself out of our embrace.

After we stopped laughing, we put our skates back on and went back onto the ice rink. Leroy was across on the other side, holding out two slush puppies - one strawberry red for me and one bubblegum blue for Howard - whistling at us to come over. I stumbled forward a little as the blade of my left skate kissed the ice again. Howard gripped my hand, steadying me up, restoring my balance. I smiled at him, gratefully. Maybe things would still be ok after all.

I don't mind change. Just as long as everything stays the same.

**  
= Six Months Later =  
**

My pen fainted, exhausted, from my relaxed hand. I sat back, having filled in the last question. Thank fuck. I almost thought that test was never going to end. These things always seemed to take so much longer when you weren't in an actual lesson or around other students you could not-so-subtly whisper to. I looked up at the clock. Four o clock…he wouldn't make me do another one. He better not. I'm meant to be at the zoo in an hour.

I was in detention. Again. It had become a habit lately and not one that I even intended to keep up. It just seemed to happen. Especially in English class. No one cared to notice though. No one noticed how I was probably the only one in the class singled out and shouted at even when all I was doing was reaching down to pick up a flying saucer I'd dropped on the floor and was scooping up before the five second rule spoilt it. Or when I'd be snapped at for talking even though I wasn't saying a word. Humming along to 'Cars' isn't really talking, is it? So unfair.

Glancing over at Mr. Hadley's desk, I was quite relieved to see that his eyes were fixed down on some papers he was marking. Not at me. I sighed inwardly before packing my stuff away and into my rucksack, zipping it up. The hairs on the back of my neck shot up. I knew then that Hadley was now watching me.

I turned around, my fears proven; "I'm finished now, sir."

Hadley peered up at me through his half-rimmed glasses. I always thought he must have got one hell of a rotten deal at Specsavers if they cut half the rims of his lenses off. He didn't seem bothered about it though. Especially not when he was smirking up at me as I stood up and began inching my way closer to the door.

"Vincent, m'boy…" He said silkily. Had he spoken like that to any of the girls in my year, they would've swooned like the idiots they were. All of them had eyes for Hadley.

He was only thirty, with a slim build and long, curly, jet black hair held back into a pony-tail. He had a strong, pointed face but no where near as pointy as mine. Pointy-ness obviously wasn't the root of his attraction to all the lovesick Year 10 nymphs in the school. His eyes were light grey and so piercing that his irises tended to creep up on you when you least expected it. Otherwise they stayed invisible. Where they pierced through everyone else, they stabbed through me like the flickity knife I once I had pressed to my throat.

Girls were weird. I mean, I knew that when I found out how many of them secretly fancied Howard. But at least that was somewhat understandable. Howard was….Howard. And Howard was awaiting for me at the zoo. _Stop feeding Hadley his eye candy and run. _Snapped my flustered brain cell.

"I've finished all the questions and checked over my answers…" I muttered as casually as I could in passing. Not that I'd really checked over my answers. I wouldn't have writ them if I hadn't been sure!

"Doesn't mean you have to go right now, does it?"

"Yeah.." I replied, shakily. "I promised I'd go meet my mate in Shoreditch. I wanna get on the tubes before rush hour starts."

"Rush hour ain't for another hour, Vincent. Struggling in your maths as well, I heard. It shows." Hadley slid the papers he'd been marking to one side, leaning back in his leather chair to a point I could almost hear the dead cows groaning. "You don't get benefits with Mr. Harris like you do with me."

I gulped. The lazy drawl of his voice, more bored than usual, was making my skin crawl. And there was me thinking he wouldn't bother me about that anymore. I should've known better. Why would anyone get detention just for dropping a sharpener on the floor?

"Still….I wanna get going now if that's alright," I turned to leave but a simple cough froze me to the spot.

"Uuh, haven't you forgotten something, little man?" The squeak of his cow-hating chair warned me he was getting to his feet. "Just one….little…thing…"

Knew it. I turned around to face him; "Look, Mr. Hadley…Please…You said we'd forget it."

"I know, I know," He said to me, pitifully, as if comforting me and mocking me at once; "But it's been such a long, hard, stressful day. And you do need some help with those slipping marks of yours."

"I don't want to!" I snapped, standing my ground.

Which part of 'no' didn't this creep understand? The 'K', the 'N' or the 'O'?

Hadley walked towards me, that slimy smile still slithering on his face. He didn't look the least bit stressed out. I don't even know for sure what he looked like. He had the same face Jahooli used to have on when he spotted an injured pigeon within his pouncing distance. I felt like that injured pigeon at that moment. I wasn't disabled in any way. Apart from being paralysed with fear.

"Now, now, Vincent, I thought we'd settled this before…" He walked up close to me, brushing his knuckles up against my cheek. His hands also had a habit of making me feel small and weak. But in a very different and wrong way. Hadley smiled and gripped my chin with his fingers; "Your uncle is very concerned with your results. It's up to you if you want me to ease his conscious slightly."

"I don't give a **fuck**!" I snarled up at him. Fear was trying to crush me like a paper cub but I couldn't let it. I knew this wasn't right. I wish I'd always known it. My eyes flashed up to meet Haldey's, showing him my confidence, that didn't please him one bit.

Before I could stumble back and run like the wind like I should have done minutes ago, Hadley's hand gripped my forearm tight, his fingers clawing into my weedy bicep. I gasped as he slowly began to grind my arm tighter with his powerful talons. Now I really was frozen to the spot.

He leaned in even closer, so I could plainly see that familiar spark of fury in his grey eyes. "That's exactly what you'll have to give, little man, if you want to earn your way in this world for the rest of your life."

"Don't call me that." I hissed, so vicious that I surprised myself. But that was Howard's name for me. I wasn't going to let this scum bag taint that on top of everything else.

Hadley bored his thumb deeper into my muscle, pushing me back against the wall; "I'll call you whatever the hell I like, and you'll do whatever the hell I want you to do, you little slu-"

A knock came to the door. Both me and Hadley shot our sights to the opaque glass screen in the door, showing only a tall, bulky silhouette of whoever was on the other side. Hadley's grip didn't loosen in the slightest. I hadn't even realized he'd cornered me against the back wall. Why the hell wasn't I screaming?

"I'm in a meeting! Go away!" He snapped at the door, his eyes automatically sinking with regret as he realized he'd already given himself away by the un-teacher-like way he spoke.

The fear flashing in his eyes brought a swell of hope to my heart. _Oh please, Jagger, say whoever that is smart enough to know that ain't how any right thinking teacher in a meeting with say 'get lost'_.

Nothing.

Hadley turned back to me, the smirk dawning back upon his face whilst the hope began to cry inside my heart-cage. He licked his lips. I was nothing more than a plate of strawberries and cream to him. "Now…where were we?" He placed his other hand onto my hip, his thumb wriggling into the inset of my belt. I let out a whimper - or more of a squeak; biting my lip and shutting my eyes tight.

The door burst open. Within a second, Hadley's hands were off me and he leapt backwards, spinning around, all his trademark swagger a broken myth. My lungs drank in a huge breath of relief, my eyes still remaining closed, half-afraid whoever-my-saviour-was would just be a lucky strong blow of wind and I'd be pressed against the wall again at any moment.

"I TOLD YOU; WE'RE IN A MEETING!" Hadley growled towards the threshold. I cringed at his raised voice, knowing all too well how this guy could get if he was wound up.

"Didn't look much like a meeting to me…"

My eyelids sprung open. I glanced over at the person standing in the door, hand on the doorknob, staring at the two of us with a mixture of terror and suspicion. Then he looked straight at me.

"Howard!" I practically sang.

_Thank you, Jagger! I knew you were up there._

His face softened from suspicion to pure worry at the gratitude shining from my face. Not risking another second, I stumbled forward, racing across the room until finally meeting him and shielding myself behind him, my hand holding onto his arm tight. I ducked my head behind him, not wanting to look at my pervert teacher ever again.

Howard tried to turn to look at me, but I busy burying my face into his back; "Are you all right?!"

I nodded my head, ignoring the rising sick bubbling up to my throat; "Let's just go! Please!"

"Vince, what the…?" Howard frowned before turning his head back to Hadley; "What were you doing to him?!"

In spite of my burning desperation to get the fuck out of that place, I couldn't help but melt a little at the fierce protectiveness in Howard's voice. I clung to his arm tighter.

"It's none of your concern, kid!" Hadley told him as if telling off one of his students; "And if you have any sense then you won't say a word to anyone about what you may think you saw here - or whatever lies your friend spins to you."

I could tell the guy was panicking. Miserable wanker. He wasn't even attempting his usual nonchalant façade. What the hell did I ever see in him? Nothing. I was confused. And scared. Nothing more.

Beneath my grip, I could feel Howard's body tensing up. I knew full well he wasn't one for fighting. Britain's leading cream poet would rather shy away from any confrontation. This wasn't just a school-yard fight between Mods and rockers though. He knew I'd been hurt.

I tugged once more on his wrist, "C'mon, Howard, just forget it! Let's get out of 'ere!"

**~*~*~*~**

An hour later, we were far across town, in Bob Fossil's Zooniverse, tucked away in the zookeepers hut. I was curled up on the sofa, a cup of tea cradled in my hands, waiting patiently for it to cool. Sometimes I let it wait to a point that Howard would tut, wondering why he bothered boiling the kettle in the first place if all I wanted was Iced Tea.

At that moment, however, Howard was just coming to squash down beside me on the cramped but comfy sofa, no cup of tea for himself. Just a weary look of concern etched onto his face. I'd prepared for what I knew was coming. And I was surprised to realize how unafraid I was to say it.

In the end, I didn't even wait for Howard to ask me. He sat down beside me, the sofa so tiny that it meant his arm was pressed up against mine. I looked down at the surface of my milky tea and the words soon came tumbling out like shy little gob elves.

"It started about four months ago. I stopped paying attention in class. All the lessons just got so…boring. So I just preferred to look out the window and think up stories like I do. Y'know, the ones you always like to hear about me growing up in a forest? _Mowgali in Flares_?" I said, looking up to my friend.

Howard nodded. But it was a nod to press me on before I lost focus and changed the subject more than anything. I gulped, picking my mind up and putting it back on the right thought-tracks.

"Anyway, when all the other teachers would yell at me or give me detention, Hadley was the only one who was…nice to me." Something of a chuckle snuck it's way out at the end of that sentence. I think it was 'cause I'd just worked out the meaning of the word 'irony'. "He told me to see him after a lesson once when he'd caught me doodling in the back my text book. I was shakin'. I thought I was gonna get a right rollockin'. But he just sat me down and asked me about how I was feeling. It was…different. I hadn't had an adult be so friendly to me since…well, y'know. Soon I was telling him about how I was feelin', why I couldn't concentrate and how I missed y-…old friends who'd left…" I looked to the side, away from Howard, hiding behind my trust fringe. Throughout the corner of my eye, I think I saw him smile. I could be wrong though. "Uhmm…it went on from that and he started to give me tips on how I could be happier. If I didn't hide myself away so much and became more confident than maybe I'd get more friends. And soon 'e started talkin' to me like a friend. He'd even tell me jokes and stuff. I thought he was so cool. And all the girls in my class who fancied him, I could see how dead jealous they were that I was his…Teacher's pet…"

Speaking those words began to creep me out to no end in a way they never had before. I shuddered, my cup of tea nearly tumbling from my hands. Howard caught it and placed it on the floor at our feet. My hands remained warm as I put them in my lap, fidgeting with the hem of my school shirt.

"It all started to 'appen really slowly," I continued, my voice more hallow then before; "He'd sit too close to me sometimes, put 'is 'and on my shoulder when I told him how I felt about things, or his arm around me. I didn't think nothin' of it. Just thought 'e was being a mate like…y'know." Oh God. How could I compare that pervert to Howard? I bit my tongue. "Then when we started jokin' together…'E started to play with my 'air. It worried me a bit until 'e started going on about 'ow lovely it was. 'Ow it made me look like a rock star. And sayin' I 'ad a face for fame. Then 'e started stroking my cheek…it should've freaked me out but it didn't. The way 'e looked at me…how sweet he was at first. It made me feel…beautiful."

"Did he call you that?" Howard asked slowly.

I thought back a bit. I'm sure he…No. I shook my head; "No…but 'e made me feel that way. And 'e told me I was special. Thought 'e was takin' the mick at first like the others. But the way 'e was so close to me, and smiling' at me, and stroking' my cheek…I believed 'im. And then 'e kissed me. Again, it started out slow. One day, as I was leavin' to go meet you, 'e just ruffled my 'air and gave me a peck on the cheek. Y'know, like, my…a dad or something would. I liked it…Then a few days later I went to leave…and I waited at the door for 'im to open the door for me and kiss my cheek. 'E didn't open the door. 'E just stood there, lookin' at me, getting closer to me, lookin' at me different to 'ow 'e usually did…Then 'e went to kiss me on the cheek but…I…caught his lips. I kissed 'im."

One of my hands had cooled now since the hot mug had abandoned it. Only the one. My other hand was as warm as toast. I looked down and tried not to gasp as I noticed that, somewhere during my speech, Howard's hand had grabbed hold of mine. Now they both lay clasped in my lap, fingers locked tightly together.

"I'm sick, aren't I?" I whispered, still refusing to look at Howard.

"'Course you ain't. You were just confused," He squeezed my hand as his words soothed; "…D'you wanna go on?"

I nodded reverently. If I didn't get it out now then I knew I never would; "It was just kissing for a while. Long kisses to say goodbye. Then there'd be days when 'e'd kiss me as soon as we were left alone in the classroom together. And we'd spend the whole 'alf 'our making out behind his desk…or on it. I knew it was wrong 'cause of the way 'e'd always double check to make sure the door was locked and the rooms next door to us where empty. I just thought it was 'cause none of them would understand and we'd both get in trouble. I didn't want Mr. Hadley to get in trouble. Not when 'e made me feel so good about myself…"

"Oh, Vince." I was so afraid, by the sadness in his sigh, that he'd pull away from me. His hand stayed firmly anchored to mine.

"…Then, couple o' weeks ago, we were kissing in his classroom like usual at first…and 'e was touching my 'air again. Just touchin' was all. Then 'e…he grabbed it. He grabbed it really, _really _hard, like 'e was tryin' to scrunch it up to rip it off my 'ead…And 'e started to push my 'ead down to 'is…Down. And 'e started to undo 'is fly. I knew what 'e wanted me to do and I looked up and told 'im I didn't wanna do it. But 'e just…pushed me onto my knees, 'is hand still grabbing my 'air so I couldn't get away…'E told me that if I did it that once then 'e wouldn't make me do it again if I didn't want to…And if I didn't do it then 'e'd just put it somewhere else - where I liked it or not…"

I can't remember whose hand was actually shaking more. Mine or Howard's.

"Vince…you didn't, did you?" Howard's asked, his voice stepping over invisible shards of a broken mirror.

Silence.

Then I looked at him, my stomach twisted up into knots; "'E…'E wouldn't let go of my 'air, H'ward. 'E just wouldn't let go. A Year 8 girl came up to me the other day, smiling at me and sayin' 'ow amazing' my 'air was, and she grabbed it. I kicked 'er in the shins and ran to 'ide in the boys toilets. Took me ages to sort out myself out before I could leave them. I 'ad to skip Drama class…"

Without another word said between us, Howard tugged on my hand and pulled me towards him. I let myself collapse against his chest and he wrapped his arms around me. My nose keened against his Zooniverse jacket. It smelt of straw and monkey dung. It was still comfy though. Maybe that was just more Howard. His hands rubbed my back in small circles, before I felt one of them rise up to hover above my head for a moment. I smiled, slipping my arms around his soft, snugly middle.

"It's ok," I whispered, touched at his thoughtfulness. "I don't mind if it's you. You're not like everyone else, Howard."

"Gee, thanks," Howard retorted. His hand still fell upon my hair, stroking it tentatively like I was a pet bunny rabbit. And I think I purred, somewhat, my hand grabbing a fistfull of zookeepers uniform. Not a single thought of Hadley entered my head. Not until he was forced to enter it; "So…what happed after that?"

"I stopped it. Or I tried to anyway," I explained to the soft green jacket cushioning the side of my face. "I kept my 'ead down whenever I was in Hadley's class. I made sure I was one of the first to leave when the bell rang. 'Course he tried to corner me sometimes but I kept myself close to people. Stayed in a gang where I knew I'd be safe. Sometimes he'd try to give me detention to keep me behind but there'd always be others with me who got in trouble, thank god. Not tonight though…It was just me and 'im and I should've known from the off what 'e ad…Hang on a sec!" I suddenly sat up, a thought occurring to me. I frowned at Howard; "How did you….Why were you there? I mean, you arrived just at the right moment?"

"Ah, well…You probably won't believe this," Howard regarded me after saying that, then blinked; "I take that back, of course you will. The boss employed this new kiosk vender today. Turns out he's a shaman. So I thought, seeing as you were staying at school late, I'd go round his to welcome him in."

"Wow! A shaman?!" I exclaimed. I always wanted to meet one of those; "Cool, what's he like?"

Howard shrugged; "I dunno…All shamany? The inside of his kiosk was done up like Aladdin's palace. He's ok, I suppose. Not much of a talker. He kept smoking his hookah most of the time. I swear those frogs he keeps in there aren't for zookeeping perposes. Anyway, we were drinking some tea and he got a message in the tea leaves that you were in trouble."

Talk about lucking out. Howard making friends with a shaman who could tell the future on the same day I was seconds away from getting a bumming from Mr. Hard-on. The gratitude I felt for the fates - and Howard - at that moment seemed to shine a light on all the earie dark things trying to cloud my life up in that moment.

"What's his name? I gotta thank him some time." I said to Howard, enthusiastically.

"That can wait, Vince," He said, putting a hand up, "First we gotta talk about this thing with you and that arse hole teacher of yours."

"But I told you everything!" I snapped. I leapt off the sofa and got to my feet, wrapping my arms around my middle. Hugging myself didn't offer a tenth of the comfort that hugging Howard did. But I just felt too ashamed to look at him at the time. There were a few details I had failed to mention to him. Things I'd never tell him. Or anyone.

The squeak of the sofa told me he was getting to his feet; "Look, Vince…We've gotta make sure that this creep never puts his hands on you again.

"Well then go to that shaman guy and ask him to…send him to the edge of the earth or something." Only after did I remember hearing somewhere that the earth was round. Fail.

"Vince…you have to go to the police."

I span around; "No way! M'serious, Howard, you can't make me go there!"

"You don't have to be scared, you've got my word to back it up and I'm sure there's gotta be others in the school Hadley's tried it on with. And your uncle's loaded, he'll pay for you to have the best lawyer and-"

"I don't give a…" I clamped my mouth shut, rethinking my words. I took a deep breath, steadying myself as I could see I was beginning to worry Howard more; "Look, Howard…if you hadn't just told me a minute ago that you were now mates with a wizard then maybe I'd think about going to the old bill. I know it'd be the right thing to do. But you tell me what's better; Hadley being turned into the snake he is and dropped in a cage full of mongooses. Or being sent to prison so that he can be released in five or six years and free to hurt kids like me again?"

His lip curled; "Well, when you put it like that…Fine, I'll talk to 'Mr. T. Enigma' again tomorrow."

I could've collapsed under all that relief. "Thanks Howard."

So I wouldn't have to worry about Hadley getting his just desserts. Or having to stand up in court in front of a load of nosy strangers and tell them all what happened to me. I didn't want my uncle to know. I didn't want anyone to know. Yeah, I told Howard. Only because I told Howard everything. He'd always make things better somehow. Usually without even meaning to but that wasn't the point. He was always there to listen, to pick me up, to arrive when I needed him most.

Always. Most of the time. Twice. But those two times had been the most drastic thought. Near-stabbing, near-rape and…another time when Howard was there to pick me up when I couldn't pick myself up. That Night. I don't even remember what That Night was anymore. It was dark. Very dark. Hence the 'Night' part of the title. And I was scared and lost. Then Howard picked me up. Howard was there. Which meant that everything was alright again. For a while.

Howard was watching, studying me like I was one of the lizards in the enclosure he looked after that was suddenly doing a hand-stand; "You're not telling me everything, are you, little man?"

Fuck. Was he a shaman too? Mystic Moon?

I stayed quiet as a lamb. He moved up to me and tipped my chin up. Then he said my name. That was all I needed. It was his password to me opening up to him.

"Just some boys…in Year 12...also been comin' to close to me now and then," I mumbled, my cheeks flushing, "…They press me up against the wall and grip my face…like they're gonna kiss me…It's only a joke though. They haven't ever….it just…it scares me, that place…I hate it, Howard! I've hated it ever since you left. Everyone's after me now you're not around anymore…Why did you have to go and leave me there?!"

Howard put his hands in his jacket pocket, looking down at his disgusting brown wellies; "I'm sorry, Vince. I wouldn't have left if I'd've known this was gonna happen…" He sounded so full of self-loathing at having let me down that I couldn't possibly blame him as much as I was starting to want to.

"Yeah, well…it's happened now. S'nothing we can do about it." I said, defeated. "I'm so miserable at that place. Sure, I've got a few new mates now but they're nothing like you, Howard. I can't be myself around them like I am with you. And I can't relax in that place at all without knowing you're at least in the same building. I hate it. I'm failing at everything. I don't…I don't wanna have to back there. Not EVER."

With the thrust of that final word, I kicked the yellow and green stall close to my feet, releasing some built-up tension I'd been storing up for longer than just that day. The stall rolled over lazily, so slowly that I kind of felt sorry for it and ended up kneeling down to place it upright, brushing off where I'd unfairly dented it in.

Howard stood, silent, behind me like a shadow. I stood there and waited for the typical lecture about staying on at school, being bright and having so much potential, ya-da ya-da ya-da. Howard always had a proper, nagging, geography teacher's voice. Why he never took up the profession was beyond me. Maybe because there was as much chance of him gaining a class of school kids respect as there was of a herd of sheep being rounded up by an obese monkey.

"Uhm….Vince, y'know-" He begun, nervously. Oh here we go!

"Howard, you are so obvious! You're like the geekiest flashing neon sign in existence." I groaned at him.

"Alright then, smart-arse, what was I gonna say?" He shot back at me.

"You were gonna have a go at me about how I need to stay on at school 'cause education is the way to the future even though I'm pretty sure time would keep going even if we were all sitting around, playing with rocks and doing sod all like it did for the cavemen."

"Oh…So I weren't possibly gonna say that you don't have to go to school and you could always come work for me here, if you really wanted to?"

"No, of course you weren't, you baboon."

Howard blinked at me.

I frowned back. What?

Why was he…Oh.

Oh!

No way…

Oh my god…

OH MY GOD!

"I take it that's a yes then?" Howard was suddenly giggling at me. No wonder. The grin that was stretching across my face seemed to have no limit.

My hands flew up to my mouth. Air appeared to have ditched me for a classier hang-out; "…D'you mean it?! D'you really…I can come and work here with you?!"

"Yeah. If you really want to. You won't need any qualifications; as soon as I tell Fossil you can talk to animals, he'll snatch you up in a second. Hopefully not literally. You'll have to talk to your uncle of course but it's not like he can stop you. GCSE's aren't _that _important. And, should the worse happen, you can always stay at my new flat until you- _Oof!_"

I'd never get to hear what happen to me until I oofed because I'd chucked myself head-long at Howard, nearly knocking the great Northern pillar backwards. I'd pretty much jumped on him, wrapping my arms around his neck, my feet hovering giddily above the ground. Howard's hands found my back and held me up from the ground for a few seconds before placing me back on my feet. I kept on hugging him though, my head nuzzling further into the crook of his neck, whilst his arms continued to hold me close. In that moment, with my friend's arms around me and his all promises dancing in my head; I never felt safer, or more loved, in my life.

We stayed like that until we realized the sun had set and the lights needed to be turned on. It was a long few minutes, at least it felt like that, until that happened though. At first we were just laughing, blissfully, as we embraced. Part of me wasn't sure whether to believe such a thought could be real. Me and Howard. Working together. Our own lives, our own jobs - but with each other. Like we had been before at school. It was everything I'd wished on my 15th birthday cake and more. Of course, I knew Uncle Randolph would be disgusted at the idea of 'one of his' dropping out of school to work in a zoo. He would, in all possibilities, throw me out. I wouldn't miss him. I'd miss Mona and her food maybe. But…stuff it! Stuff Uncle Randolph, stuff Mona, stuff Hadley and stuff school. Me and Howard were gonna be together again and that's all I'd ever give a stuff about for the rest of my life.

Soon the laughing ceased and we were just holding each other. Howard's hand slid upwards from my back and his fingers ran themselves through my coiffured strands again. No grabbing. Not that I think I'd've have minded if it was Howard. In fact, as I thought longer on it, the thought of Howard grabbing my hair and pushing me downwards didn't freak me out in the least…That was wrong. But, as that big-headed cheese-shagging berk tutor of Howard's would say - was it really wrong?

"Vince…" Howard poked through the veil of silence we'd been knitting up in that moment.

"Mmm?"

He pulled back to look at me, his hands still on my arms. I smiled up at him and he brushed a loose strand of my hair back in place. He was studying me again, I could tell; "…Why didn't you tell me about Hadley? I thought you could tell me everything?"

I hung my head, my fringe coming in useful once again; "I was scared…and ashamed. I thought you'd call me a freak and want nothing to do with me."

"I'd call YOU a freak and have nothing to do with you?" He raised an eyebrow.

I smiled again. Point taken. Ok, I had to remember who I was speaking to here. The person I trusted more than anybody in the world.

"Well…when it first started, I didn't wanna tell you 'cause I knew you'd say it had to stop. And…I kinda liked it. Before it went all proper rapey and shit." As soon as the words came out, I wanted to stamp on them like pesky ants.

Howard sighed predictably; "Vince…"

"I know, I know…It was wrong from the start and I wish I'd've told you." I muttered. "I just…enjoyed…being made to feel like I was special for once. Beautiful."

"That's just it, little man. You shouldn't have needed some pedophile teacher touching you up to feel like that. Christ sake, do you honestly not see it? It marches towards me every day like a brass band!"

"Howard, what are you waffling on about?"

"You, you cretin. Look at you! Well…you can't look at you because you are you. Never mind. Trust me on this!" His hands held my shoulders tight. I was trying hard not to wince as his fingers brushed the raw mark where Hadley's claws had bitten into me. I looked into Howard's intense brown eyes and all that was forgotten with three heavenly words that would change my life forever; "You - are - beautiful."

Now, if you've kept up with my story this far, congratulations. Have a brownie. None of Naboo's though, if I were you. Then stay with me. And, hopefully, you won't blame me at all for what I did next. If you do; then you're either one hell of a heartless fucker. Or you're Howard.

Howard who'd called me beautiful.

My stomach was a blaze of multi-coloured fire-works. I was so hot; in spite of the fan being on. And _he _was smiling at me. If Misty Brent was in the room with us right there then she'd have stabbed me to the floor in cold blood. And I'd have understood. Howard thought I was beautiful. It was all the push I needed, that and his brown eyes glinting down at me, to say the next two words.

"Kiss me."

The two words leapt off my tongue barely ten seconds after Howard had finished speaking. He looked at me, confused, before his lips twitched into a cheeky smile. He let out a small laugh, probably wondering if he'd heard me right, then putting a hand to my head and tilting it forward to give me a kiss on the forehead. The kiss of a parent or a loving sibling perhaps. His lips brushed against my hair, the small peck sending worms of shivers down my spine. Howard pulled back and looked at me. "Happy now?"

"No," I lied. Of course I was happy. And it was like a drug. I needed more; "Kiss me properly?"

Howard stared at me. I may as well have asked him to wear a pair of my skinnies. He inched himself back slightly, his hands for some strange reason refusing to leave with him. They obviously liked me more than he did.

"Vince, I don't get-"

Fine. He didn't get it. Then I'd show him. I pounced again. This time not to hug, but to bring my hands up to his face and pull his lips down onto mine. All I wanted was a taste. Just a small sample of my best friend…oh, who was I kidding, my fucking crush. All I wanted, and all Howard would need to know how I felt and know how right it was.

His hands jolted forward, shoving me in the chest in order to rid himself of me. I stumbled backwards, having only brushed my lips with Howard's for a split second before being thrown off. My legs tripped back against the stall which, in spite of my apology, had decided to give it's revenge for me kicking it earlier, making me fall back over it and crash to the floor on my arse.

"ARGH!" I cried out, limbs flailing out like living spaghetti and pain shooting up from my backside. "Fuck…"

"Oh god, Vince, I'm sorry." Howard stuttered. He stepped forward, holding out a hand to help me up but I didn't take it.

"No, no…I'm sorry." I got to my own two feet. I had to stay standing back, my eyes lacking the courage to really look at Howard.

_Shit! Shittity-shit-shit-shit!  
_  
That crash had brought me back down to Earth. And Earth was a place where fairy tales were no more than stories, sugar was bad for your teeth and there was no way in hell that Howard would ever look at me and see more than a younger best friend. Oh shit…Why had I done it? I can't remember any thoughts or reasoning having gone through my head before I moved in on him. I didn't think at all. I didn't need to. Howard. Howard had called me beautiful. The first person to have done so since…someone else had, a long time ago, someone whose face I couldn't exactly place. It had been so long ago. I didn't think I'd ever be called that again. And the first person to do so, out of the population of London, was Howard T.J Moon.

That was all very well and good. But it still didn't explain why I'd just tried to fucking kiss him!

"Vince? Are you alright?" I couldn't help notice how, even though there was enough space between us, Howard was still inching back instead of rushing to check I was ok. Not that I could blame him.

I nodded; "Yeah…I'm fine, Howard, I just…I'm so…"

_In love with you._

"…Confused. A-and…scared. This whole thing with Hadley and…l-leaving school…And you were being so nice to me. I-It didn't mean anything, Howard, I promise!"

_Liar_.

Howard stared at me. He wasn't studying me this time though. He was absolutely baffled. As if he'd never be able to solve me every again. I prayed to Jagger he wouldn't give up on me. He took a small step forward; "It's ok, little man. I understand. It's not your fault. We'll just forget it happened, yeah?"

"Yeah. That's fine."

_I don't wanna forget. I wanna kiss you. I never wanna stop kissing you.  
_  
"Uhmm…" Howard's hand goes to the back of his head, in that familiar gesture of anxiousness. "I've gotta go help lock up the zoo and feed the monkeys. D'you wanna come help me? Get some experience?"

"Yeah! That sounds genius. I'd love to." I grinned, the bounce back in my step.

_I'd love to kiss you more though_.

"Shut up!" I hiss under my breath.

"What?!"

"Nothing!"

**~*~*~*~**

I spent the rest of that night worried that my little slip-up would mean complete awkwardness between Howard and me. That he'd change his mind and decide not to get me a job after all, leave me at school, then never speak to me again. When we didn't speak to each other for the first fifteen minutes, I started to panic. That was until me and Howard were sorting out the sticklebacks in their tank, the slippery buggers splashing Howard with their fins as if on purpose and causing us both to break out in fits of laughter as we began splashing each other. Then, god knows how, by the time the fish were sorted out and left to gossip about having splashed the big hairy zookeeper, me and Howard had come up with a silly song about sticklebacks involving a bingo hall and Kentish town. Don't ask.

Within twenty minutes of sampling what it would be like to work at this place, with Howard, I had truly believed that I could stay that way forever. And it would be genius. Sorting out the animals, laughing, making up little songs, watching Howard smile, talking with the monkeys, watching Howard's eyes twinkle, befriending the stoned shaman, being close to Howard, Howard, Howard. Yep. This was all I'd ever need. I'd be safe with Howard. He'd saved my life. Twice. I'd return the favour one day, I told him. A million times if I had to.

"I can't see it ever having to come to that, Vince." He laughed at me as I made the promise.

I shrugged; "Well, you never know."

It was the end of Howard's shift. The zoo was closed for the night. It must have been near eleven o clock. We were walking back towards the zookeepers hut to kip for the night. For someone who'd spent the last three years sleeping in a plush king-sized bed, the thought of stuffing myself into a sleeping bag on a hardwood floor didn't phase me at all. Not if I was next to Howard.

I looked at him. He looked so exhausted. I hoped it was merely from the days work and not any fault of mine. I couldn't feel too bad if it was. His hair looked so sexy when it was all dishevelled and curly - not that it wasn't like that most of the time. The stubble suited him. I wanted to run my hand across it to feel what it was like, what with myself having a face as smooth as porcelain. I just wanted to touch Howard. _Not like that. Never again_.

"Ey, Howard." I stopped. So did he, turning his head to me.

"Mmm?"

I moved forwards, embracing him around the middle again, breathing in his dirt-ridden but warm scent; "Thanks. For everything."

"…Anytime, little man."

I smiled, feeling his arms move to go around me as well. Except they didn't. His hands grasped my own and pulled them off and away from his jacket. He then gently placed them back at my sides before letting go and stepping back. He smiled at me, but not the smile I was so used to from him. The smile you give to a person you recognise vaguely in the street but have no intention of stopping to talk to. I frowned, my mouth opening to form a perfect 'O'.

He shook his head; "We're getting a bit too old for that, don't you think?"

My mouth closed shut. He couldn't have made me feel any colder if he'd dunked me in the penguin enclosure with no socks on. I waited for him to elaborate on this. Not that there was any point. He brushed past me and walked towards the hut, opening the door and expecting me to follow.

I was still standing in the same spot as before, staring at the empty space Howard had occupied a moment before. Frozen. If he hadn't have called my name, I doubt I would have moved at all. And I'd've have stayed frozen there all night. Wondering. How much could we have possibly aged from just a couple of hours ago?

Later that night, in the hut - when Howard was fast asleep - I lay next to him, wide-awake, watching his chest rise and fall. My mind was still pondering on the nonsense words he'd said to me earlier when he pushed me away.

I wanted so much to wake him up and ask him. I would've done if he didn't look so gorgeous and peaceful. I wanted nothing more than to lay my head on that strong, big, comfy chest of his - until those cold and empty words were replayed in my head for the five thousandth time. So I just continued to lay there. In silence. Watching.

I then got a very unexpected and welcome surprise creep out from behind the sofa. _Hey, Charlie! Long time no see._

* * *

___**Oooooh, aren't you all just gripped now, ey! No? Not even a little bit? Ok maybe a tiny bit. That's made this worth while for me then. Please express love via review. Thanks for reading. **_

___**Rose - x  
**_


	4. Innocence Lost

**Ello ello. Here I am again with the agnst. A wheelbarrow full this time. So climb on in, ya cheeky vixens.**

**Disclaimer: Je ne suis pas propriétaire Le Puissant Boosh. (thanks Google!)  
**

* * *

The water laps up against my scalp, weighing my perfect locks down into the basin. As the pair of delicate hands move up to massage my scalp, rubbing the shampoo and other heaven-sent-products into my mane, it's so relaxing that I almost feel as if I could have a little sleepy right there in the salon. When I close my eyes, humming to myself in pleasure, a small splash of water slaps my face and I open my eyes.

"This ain't a hotel, y'know," chides Misty from above.

"Not with that bedside manner." I grin back. She mock-scowls at me, before focusing back on her work and running her fingers through my hair. I relax back, my neck against the cool china. I'm somewhat scared to ask the next question; "How does it look?"

"We ain't done yet! You'll see for yourself soon enough." She tells me, sounding like a cross between a nagging mother and an impatient artist. Which, she was, somewhat to me. I dunno how I would've been able to look in the mirror for the past five years if it hadn't been for Misty.

"Has all the colour gone through?" I ask.

"Yes."

"It doesn't look too….gothic?"

"Would that matter?" She asks, rubbing in what smelt suspiciously like coconut milk.

"Yeah. I'm going for more punk, y'know. Like I said, Joan Jett with a bigger backcomb structure. M'thinking of going Goth maybe next year, depends if the fashion fortune cookies are right."

"Wish I had those. Anyway, what happened to you being King of the Mods?"

"Misty, that is SO 2003!"

"Which is the year right now."

"Ok, it's so _MARCH _2003."

I heard her tut. Nothing more.

My lips curled; "…Do you think he'll like it?"

Her hands went still. Maybe I should've stopped while I was ahead. Her face peered over to look down at mine, her upside down smile making me blush even though from that angle it looked like she was frowning…and had eyes on her chin.

"You're doing this for…Oh, I should've guessed." She sighed, her hands setting to work again.

"I'm not that predictable, am I?"

"Just a tad." She tittered, smoothing a bit of conditioner through my long locks; "Thought you'd given up on that a bit. You said he won't even let you touch him anymore."

"He does. So long as I don't do it for too long. I can get away with a squeeze on the arm sometimes. And we did hug when we found out the zoo was closing."

"Did you?" She asked, genuinely shocked.

"…Well I hugged him from behind. And he was unconscious coz he'd fallen asleep in the tube, with his head against the glass, but he didn't shake me off."

"Wow." said Misty, putting on a decent act of being impressed; "Get in there, Noir."

I groaned to myself. This was how pathetic I'd got in the last ten years. To the point that any touching of Howard, no matter how small or one-sided, was bliss for me. The only thing that stopped me from combusting with frustration was voicing it all out to my hairdresser who, once upon another lifetime, had been dead jealous of me for being Howard's 'constant'. Now, after five years of listening to me go on about him, I doubt she envied me in the slightest. Who would?

Three minutes later, I was sat back in one of many plush leather seats of my favourite salon, facing the mirror whilst Misty combed and blow-dried my hair. When she'd removed the towel before, I'd gasped, stunned by the new person I was greeted with before me. My heart actually let off a pang. I hadn't even said goodbye to my old hair. I looked like a different Vince. New Vince. The old, blonde, slightly chubby Vince was back at the zoo, playing table tennis with the apes. Not that New Vince didn't do that with Bollo sometimes. When he's not too busy DJ-ing. And I'm not too busy eating a banana and watching Top Of The Pops.

Maybe I hadn't changed completely. I looked so much different though. It was truly possible for me to be mistaken for a rock legend, a fact which I'd realise was truer than I first believed as time went on. Vince Noir - Rock n' Roll star. Now not only did I have the clothes, I had the look as well - all I needed was our big break. The zoo wasn't there to hold us back anymore. All thanks to that bomb Bainbridge had set off to destroy the place to claim insurance.

I'll never forget that night when me and Howard drove back from our little encounter with that green cockney witch - and my own cut-short reunion with Bryan - to find the zoo nothing more than a blazing inferno. I completely lost it. The thought of all those poor animals, not to mention the zookeepers working the night shift, trapped inside burning to death. Howard had been forced to grip my hands to hold me back from charging in there. I was so distraught that I'd thought, only for a moment, about crying into Howard's arms. Then I remembered. So I just stood there, staring, my cheeks bone dry, whilst my heart bled silent tears. For a split second, I thought I felt Howard touching my wrist. But, knowing me, it was all my imagination.

All of my world seemed to be burning down around me. I kept expecting some hellfire demon to fly in and steal the one last precious thing I had left. But Howard stayed firmly stood beside me though, looking just as horrified as I did. It was only when Naboo appeared and explained how he'd seen the fire coming in his tea-leaves (god bless Tetley) that he'd magicked everyone out of the zoo; animals and humans. Bollo soon appeared dragging his hairy knuckles behind our little shaman friend. I'd raced forward and hugged the big hairy bean-bag so tight that I almost knocked him over and he squeezed me back, giving me the comfort I so badly needed in that terrifying moment.

"So where are you living now then? You gone back to your uncle's? His place was well fancy!" chatted Misty whilst the hair-dryer was off and she was back-combing my new raven mane.

"Nah. He moved back to Marseille a few years back. I've just been kipping on the zoo floor or at Howard's flat when we weren't on night shifts."

"So you and him have spent every night together for the past ten years?" She said, slightly aghast.

"Pretty much."

"And he still never…Oh wow. Dunno how you stick with that, Vince. Any other…I mean, any woman would've thrown the towel in years ago. But you still hang in there, don't you?"

"You don't know, Howard. No one does. If you did; you'd understand."

Misty mumbled something along the lines of "I'll take your word for it." probably forgetting the fact that I could see her eyebrows wave with doubt in the mirror before me. We didn't talk about Howard anymore after that. Only secondly down to the fact I was awe-struck by own genius new barnet.

*** * ***

"Wow!"

"Oh my god…I'm sorry, I just had to say, I LOVE your hair!"

"Where did you get it done?"

"It's not a wig?! That's amazing!"

"Suits your eyes. Are they contacts?"

"What's the basic style?"

"What's your number?"

"What's your name?"

"I LOVE YOU…uh, your hair, I mean…"

Barely ten seconds after I left the hairdressers, a swarm of praise and awe from glassy-eyed strangers began to approach me out of no where. Random strangers abandoning their original route for the day and coming towards me to admire my new look. A vast majority being fourteen year old girls who instantly began twirling their hair around their fingers as they spoke me to me with voices fragile as butterfly wings. The first time in my life that a teenage girl fawns all over me and it's ten years too late. The only girls who ever approached me when I was at school where closeted lesbians and plastics who'd twist my ears until I gave them my hair-products. Safe to say, I preferred those over the rampant lesbians.

I walked down my street towards the Nabootique - the shop in which I lived in the flat above - humming to myself whilst the sun seemed to provide the inaudible lyrics to join me. This seemed to be happening me a lot recently. It had first started back at the zoo. There was this woman zookeeper; slim, dark with high cheek bones called Mrs. Gideon. She'd never been married - her first name actually was 'Mrs.' Imagine that! Howard was in love with her. I mean he was head over heels with this bird. He wouldn't stop going on and on about her. Her cream-oval nose, her luscious dark hair, her perfect slim figure. Ugh. Made me wanna be sick in her beloved reptile house. Anyway; she wasn't interested in Howard. Hell, she couldn't even remember his name half the time! He always worked so hard to impress her, to win her attention, to the point it almost killed him at times - each time a fail. Blind, ungrateful, Panda-humping cow…

Except that she noticed me. She always remembered my name. And she always looked at me the exact same way those girls outside the hairdressers had looked at me. She'd flash a smile with a pair of sly, twinkling, all-knowing eyes as she'd gaze upon my hair. She'd even ask to touch it. Then, like I feared, she'd take advantage and grab it - a barrage of memories collapsing in on me. So many times I wanted to scream at her to leave me alone. That there was a guy standing behind her who fancied the zookeepers jacket off her. A guy who'd treat her right, keep her safe, make her feel like the they were above the world and ruled the stars. It's only now I realize why I never did such a thing.

After opening and closing the door, I bounded up the stairs to the flat. I was grateful to see that Naboo and Bollo hadn't taken up their usual positions on the sofa with Naboo's hookah. As I glanced around, the place seemed free of gorilla and shaman. Naboo's bedroom door at the end of the hall was wide open, no sounds of life coming from inside. The only door that was closed was mine and Howard's shared bedroom. His hideous loafers were sitting bored and unused under the coat rack. He was definitely in. Why was the back of my neck beginning to itch? I groaned, thinking how Bollo better not have fleas again. Sometimes it was like living with a cross between a mangy dog and smelly tramp. I'd have to teach the ape how to sort himself out a bit. Buy him some Herbal Essences maybe.

"'Ey, Howard, you in? I've got something to show you!" I called to the closed bedroom door.

It did cross my mind to let myself in, it was my room as well after all, but I knew how important privacy was to Howard. He loved his "personal solitaire" or whatever it was. I was in such a good mood, more so than usual, so I didn't fancy getting my head bitten off again by the disgruntled maverick and spoil everything. It was becoming all too easy lately for me to upset Howard. I didn't have a clue why. I was being the same as I always have.

That was the whole point of that night. I wanted to take Howard out to celebrate our homecoming. A brand new chapter in our lives that would hopefully scribble out the slight tension that's been fizzling between us lately. I keep trying to pin-point where it all started. Sometimes I wander if it was when I talked him into fighting that kangaroo; thinking it would impress Gideon and he'd be happy. Of course, if you're a Guardian reader then you know how that turned out. Even though I told him to stay down, even though I saved him, even though I was there dancing and hugging and congratulating him - when it all went tits up, it was me who got the brunt of Howard's anger at his failure. Me who was in the dog house. Well, monkey house more like, when I bolted straight to Bollo's cage and had to had to let the ape hold my shaking body for a good two hours until I could bare to face Howard again.

From then on, nothing I did for Howard seemed to be good enough. Complementing his unique generic face almost gave me a smack in the teeth. The tiniest slip-up or stupid mistake would result in me being thrown out of Howard's sight. Saving his life a gazillion times didn't even earn me as much as a thank you. By the end, in our final two weeks of working at the zoo, I began to snap. Howard not having faith in my dream of being a star. Howard refusing to talk to me about his troubles. Howard snapping at for me all my attempts at helping out on our little road-trip being useless. I couldn't take it anymore. All my life I'd had to put up with not being good enough for people. The one person in the world who made me feel worth something was now becoming my biggest criticiser. So I left the van. I wanted to walk far away and forget all about Howard, all about how he made me feel, all about how I missed how he used to make me feel, all about how much I was so hopelessly in love with him.

Of course; I could never do such a thing. I always ended up coming back to Howard. Who else did I have? It wasn't his fault that I kept fucking up. I'd just have to try harder. Maybe not be as clingy as before. He hates being touched. Not just by me. It can't only be with me. I was going to make it up to him that night. Take him out to these new clubs in Dalston that Leroy's been telling me about. Me and Howard would have fun again. I'd make sure of it. Like old times.

It was then I realized that I'd been standing outside the bedroom door for almost ten minutes without having a single response from my friend inside. I frowned, looking down at my Micky Mouse watch - a thank you present from Uncle Walt - seeing the white gloves pointing out it was nearly three in the afternoon. Was Howard still in bed?

I rapped my knuckles again on the wood; "Oi. Lazy arse. What you doin' in there? You better not be jerking off over Gideon's picture again! I thought you were over her."

Silence.

No. Wait, I could hear something. Heavy breathing. Some sort of life sign.

"Howard? Are you ok?"

Nothing. More of what sounded more like a muffled version of Bollo breathing into his inhaler. Except I knew for sure, Punk intuition, that the ape wasn't in there. Howard was.

I tapped on the wood again, lighter this time; "Howard, you not feelin' too good? D'you want me to get you a berroca?"

The breathing hitched like an out-of-tune microphone, making me start, the sudden awareness of what I was hearing slapping me round the face. Howard was crying.

"Howard!?"

My insides froze over. My Howard. Crying. Surely that was an oxymoron. Yeah, I'd seen Howard tear up and start to whimper before, usually at moments when we were facing a potential hideous death, where all his ego and mythical courage would shrivel away. But never, in ten years, had I ever seen or heard what I was hearing now as I pressed my ear to the keyhole for clearer listening. Howard was sobbing. Trying to muffle it by some means but doing a poor job, as if smothering a howling wolf.

Being on the other side of a door, isolating me from my broken friend, was too much for to stand for more than a few seconds. Tossing all my concerns about invading Howard's personal space over my shoulder, I turned the door knob and barged my way into the room. The sight waiting me on the other side of the threshold shoved me back, stumbling in horror as I spotted Howard curled up in a foetal position on the floor beside his bed.

A puddle of what looked and smelt a lot like simmering vomit lying before him.

"Shit, Howard!" I bolted towards him, pulling my shirt up to my nose as the revolting stench wafted to my face. Treading none-to-carefully over the sick, I stood over my friend who was lying with his knees slightly bent and his arms holding himself so tight that his nails stabbed into his strong arms. He was shaking violently, his eyes shut tight, tears pouring out endlessly from beneath his eyelids onto his blotchy red cheeks. My own breath got trapped in my throat. Was Howard having a fit? Damnit, what was I supposed to do?!

"Howard! Howard, look at me, please. Tell me what's wrong!"

My hands were on his shoulders, trying to roll him onto his back to get his face away from the sick and also to face me. At that time, I don't think he even fully knew I was there. He was so heavy though. I knew I had to get him off the floor before anything else. Using my worry as a boost, I slipped my arms under Howard and, with a great deal effort, hauled him off the floor and into a sitting position. He collapsed forward onto me, still curling into himself like a hedgehog, but I didn't let myself fall with him. His head lolled onto my shoulder, a wet patch quickly forming on my jacket. I wrapped my arms under his elbows and heaved the great Northern lump up and onto the bed before my legs gave way. There were a few negatives to having such a feminine figure.

Once Howard was on the beige mattress, I shifted him up so that his head was resting on the padded and prepared pillows. His position was still as much the same as when I'd entered the room. At least he was off the floor now. He didn't seem to be shaking as much either. His face was still flushed and glistening with fallen tears. I reached forward and tentatively wiped them away with my sleeve. For all the good it did as fresh drops began to leak. Biting my lip, I put my hand to his un-tamed curls.

"Howard….Howard, what happened to you? Please. Howard, please, speak to me…"

He still didn't reply. However, as I began stroking his hair further into a soothing rhythm, his sobs began to subside into snuffling. He let out a strange mewling sound that was too small and pitiful to have come from anyone as big as Howard. It was too small to break my heart. Yet, it managed to do just that. The stench of vomit seeped through my useless filter. Sighing heavily, I pulled up the duvet at the end of Howard's bed to tuck it over him. Only up to his arms as it was quite warm already with the afternoon sun blazing in from the window. I closed the curtains. Sunshine wasn't welcome when the moon came out to cry.

I attended to cleaning up the puddle of sick, looking over my shoulder every two seconds to check on Howard, whose breath was beginning to ease out into a reluctant sleepy. I grit my teeth to the point I nearly bit into my gums. Someone had hurt Howard. I'd been out getting my hair dyed and someone had come into our flat, our home, and stolen away my proud, strong, energetic Howard and left behind this…shell. They may as well have taken everything and left behind his ugly nutmeg jacket for all the life left in the man lying beneath the duvet. My stomach was boiling. I hadn't been this angry, confused and lost since about six months before when I'd been told Howard had died. The feelings churning away inside me weren't much different from what I felt that horrible day. If anything I was even more lost. There was no blood. No wound. No sign of forced entry. What the hell had happened?

Had the Spirit of Jazz returned to give Howard one last tormenting? Or maybe it was that green witch we ran into on that rode trip, having hunted us down for revenge?

Whoever they were; I swore under my breath that they were gonna pay. No, I'm not a spiteful guy. Water under the Tower bridge is my favourite motto. That and _Hakuna Mattata_. But I'd never seen Howard like this before. And not having a clue as to how or what had happened only made my anger so much worse. The fact that I hadn't been here to save him like I always did made me want to burn my Chelsea boots as a form of self-harm. Yet someone had broken him…made him sob. It was more nauseating than the vomit I was clearing up. Why did so many people seem to want to hurt Howard? He was so sweet when you got know him. He was gorgeous.

Once the puddle was taken care of, I took a wet flannel from the bathroom and went back to where my friend was lying, now quiet apart from the odd sniff and inward sigh. I sat on his bed and wiped away the residue of sick on the corners of his lips before padding the cloth over his sticky, tear-stained cheeks. I could only imagine how much Howard would snap at me in embarrassment for what I was doing to him right now. He hated the fact that our supposed 'roles' reversed so often - that it was me taking care of him most of time. I didn't understand. Howard could take care of me any time he wanted to. _If _he wanted to. As if on cue, my friend's eyes flickered open for the first time.

I sent a silent prayer up to Jagger for letting me see those eyes again. In spite of my worries before, I couldn't help but smile down at the tired man. "Hey…" It was more a sigh of relief than a greeting.

Howard blinked up at me, his brow curving slightly; "Vince…? I…Oh…Oh, God!" His face immediately began to fall, scrunching up horribly, his hands leaping up to hide from me. I grabbed them, not letting them keep me away from my friend again, clutching them tight below Howard's chin.

"Howard, what happened? Who did this to you? Tell me who they are and I swear I'll burn their fingers off with my straighteners!"

Those watery brown eyes looked up at me. Howard's lips twitched slightly. Was he trying to smile at me? Even against his misery I couldn't recognize it. It had been so long since he'd really smiled at me. He then began to shift positions, sitting up out of the duvet cocoon and leaning back against the wall - his hands still clasped in mine.

He ducked his head, all trace of what-could've-been-a-smile having faded. "Vince."

Hearing him say my name, choked and strained as his voice was, made my heart cheer. My Howard was still in there somewhere. I knew it. I shuffled forwards so I was sat on my knees opposite him.

"I'm 'ere." I tried to sound reassuring, which is hard to do with a voice as camp as mine. I squeezed Howard's hand tight. "I'm 'ere and I'm not goin' anywhere. Calm down and tell me what happened."

Howard then seemed to let the words fall out before his body stopped him; "I…I got a call, not long after you left to go out…a call from my parents."

My stomach dropped.

"It's alright, darlin," the endearment slipped out unnoticed as I moved my hand to Howard's face, tucking a matted curl behind his ear. "Take your time, it's ok." I had all the time in the world for him.

Howard's lip wobbled dangerously, two shattered eyes wandering down to look through my torso; "Th…they said that…Cree. They'd d-discovered she was…u-using. Heroin, they said….A-and, they f-found her…in the bathroom yesterday….She'd overdosed. They got her to the hospital and…they were trying all night to save her…a-and they thought she was going to make it but…."

Fuck…

"She didn't." I gulped, finishing Howard's strained efforts for him. He shook his head slowly, screwing his face up once more, then collapsed forwards and into my arms.

His much larger body convulsed against me whilst I wrapped my arms tight around his neck. One hand landed on a broad shoulder whilst the other flew to the back of his head and ran my fingers through his soft, thin curls. I could feel Howard's tears drenching my chest through the damp fabric layers as he nuzzled against it.

I could feel his chest heaving as he sobbed; "Fuck…Vince, what he fuck am I gonna…."

"Shh…it's alright. It's gonna be alright. I've got you," I soothed, laying a soft kiss on his hair before stroking my hand through it again. "I've got you, baby, it's gonna be ok."

"Oh God…Vince, I…"

"Easy now, sweetheart. Shh…Just take it slow. Let's get all those tears out before you start speaking, ey?"

He nodded against me, bringing his arms out and around my skinny frame. I had to conceal a gasp as my heart soared at the estranged feel of those strong arms holding onto me again after so long. I embraced Howard to me even tighter, taking in this tender moment for all it was worth, whispering endless comforts and endearments into my friend's hair. Howard holding me. Me holding Howard. How long had I waited for us to be like this again? Only an hour ago, a mere squeeze of the wrist was all I'd be grateful to get. Now I had Howard in my arms, letting me cradle his head to my cheek, not caring for the words I was hushing him with. A dazed smile began to creep upon my face - and I instantly kicked myself for feeling any pleasure at this awful time.

Howard's little sister. Dead. By a drug overdose. It was all so ugly. Cree was the only one in Howard's family who I knew he gave a toss about. There was quite an age difference. Seven years? Eight? She was younger than me then. And she'd done herself in with smack. I didn't get it. The few times I'd seen her when she came down to visit Howard, she seemed so…good? A mini-female version of Howard. Socially-inept, gangly, lame taste in music and fashion, bit emotionally repressed - yet sweet, helpful and secretly craving adventure and fame. She always looked so jealous when Howard would tell her about the adventures me and him went on, as if we'd gone to Alton Towers and hadn't asked to take her. Fuck. I could remember Howard promising her to take her to Euro Disney with us next summer.

Oh God. Oh, _Howard_…

"I d-don't…I don't understand it, Vince…" Howard croaked after a while. "I…I didn't even know she knew about that stuff…let alone…Fuck, I'm so pathetic and useless!"

"Ey, listen to me, you batty crease." I chided gently, lifting Howard's head up and placing my hands on his shoulders to look at his tear-stained face; "I don't wanna hear any of that now, alright? What happened was **not **your fault. You had no idea about what she was doing, so how were you-"

"That's just it, Vince!" Howard grimaced, tears continuing to leak, "I'm her brother. I'm her big brother, I'm supposed to know about these things. I thought I was the only person in the family she could talk to. Y'know what our bastard parents are like. God, even on the phone my dad sounded all haughty and callous as usual. Like he was phoning to say he'd turned my bedroom into a study or sommat….I wasn't even there to say goodbye to her. She must've been so scared…"

"You didn't know, Howard." Seeing him like this was cutting me up deeper and deeper. And all I could do was hold onto him and wipe his tears with my fingers. "But she knew how much you loved her. And she had that with her till the end, didn't she?"

Howard looked up at me, a new expression sinking into his mature features. His face softened, his eyes beginning to sparkle at me with a sparkle behind that sheen of tears. His lips curved into a wobbly smile as he looked at me. My stomach's butterfly collection was shaken up. The tiny spark of hope I carried with me always was now a shining blaze. He put a hand to my cheek, cupping it tentatively;

"Vince…what would I-"

His words were halted by the sound of the front door slamming shut from downstairs. The faint sound of a lisp, a grunt and heavy paws stomping up the stairs made Howard's expression switch within a second. The smile faded. His hand dropped from my face. His eyes widened to freakish (or normal) proportions. Next thing I knew, he was pushing me aside like a tree-branch and racing towards the door, breathing what sounded disturbingly like a growl.

I shot up and raced across the room to grab him by the arm, swinging him round to face me. The new look on his face that had replaced the trembling frail brokenness before scared me to my soul. Howard's brown eyes were wide awake with sheer, animal hunger. I wondered if he wanted me to make some lunch maybe. I'm sure there was a baguette in the fridge. Or was it something else…No, that was too good to be true. Not at this moment anyway. This was a different animalistic urge. His teeth were bared and his muscles beneath my grip tense as taught. An urge to kill.

"Howard, what the hell?" I asked, my heart in my throat.

"I'm gonna kill them, Vince!" He spat at me, his mouth foaming like a rabid dog.

"Who?" I asked, wiping my face. "Naboo and Bollo? They ain't done anything. They didn't kill your sister. I know Naboo deals in wacky baccy but he never dabbles in the hard-core stuff."

"My dad said that he and Mum were trying to ring me all of last night to get hold of me. But we were at our gig." Me and Howard had decided to start a band since leaving the zoo, "H e said he left a message with one of my flatmates to get hold of me as soon as possible and, if I could, get on the first train to Leeds. They also said they tried to phone me throughout the night but couldn't get through. I never got that message, Vince! I was playing a stupid keyboard whilst my little sister was fighting for her life in hospital! IF IT WEREN'T FOR THAT FUCKING DWARF AND HIS MONKEY-"

"Shhh, keep your voice down! You know Bollo hates to be called 'monkey'. He's an ape, it's like species racist slang to him." I tried to calm Howard down but he was buzzing worse than I did on three lattes.

"He's dead! They both are!"

"Howard, stop it, you're being a grieving idiot. You dunno what you're doing. If you try and take on Bollo, he'll stamp on your skull like a hard-boiled egg. If you go after Naboo then he'll transform you into a frog and smoke you."

"I don't care anymore." Howard muttered viciously, still struggling towards the door as I kept trying to hold him back, his mourning state having weakened him slightly. "I don't care what happens to me and it's their fault!"

"No, it isn't." I snapped, gritting my teeth and shutting my eyes for the inevitable.

"Why not?" He challenged.

"Because Naboo passed on the message for me to tell you!"

I drew back my hand, releasing my enraged friend. Only as soon as I stepped back, he'd stopped scrambling for the door. He'd stopped doing anything altogether. I watched his back slowly straighten up as he absorbed the words I'd confessed to him. There was silence. Somewhere enclosed in that silence was a key that I used to unlock a door in my mind. Out of that door spilled a wave of acid guilt like that blood scene from _The Shining_.

Shit. What had I done?!

Jagger, forgive me. Cree, forgive me. Howard…

"M'so sorry. Howard, I'm really, really sorry…" I whispered to a statue.

An intake of breath told me he'd come to life; "…What do you mean 'you got the message'?" Howard's voice was so eerily calm I had to itch my forearms. "You…were with me rehearsing…"

"And about half eight you realized that you'd forgotten to bring your amp. So you sent me back to get it for you. When I got back here, Naboo told me that he'd gotten a call a few minutes before from your mum. Saying she wanted you to get in touch with her asap. Dunno why he felt the need to spell that last word out to me. She didn't say anything about why or mention your sister…Naboo told me to pass the message onto you and…I said I would."

Howard turned around to face me, his expression stone cold; "You didn't though."

I shook my head, ducking beneath my fringe.

"…Why not?" Howard's voice sounded so small and frail. As if he was set to burst into tears all over again.

"'Cause they'd been calling you for weeks lately. You always seemed to be either on the phone to them or telling me to tell them you were in the shower or sommat. They weren't giving you a moment's peace. I could see how much they were doing your 'ead in, Howard and I…" I was spewing out words in one, long, breathless string and needed to take in some air before launching off again; "I thought it was probably why you'd been so stressed and angry lately…So I didn't tell you 'cause I knew you'd ring them straight back even if you didn't want to. Then I unplugged the phone so they couldn't call back…and we could be togeth-"

Before I could finish explaining myself, Howard's hand had found it's way onto my throat. In a swirl of material colour, I blinked, my head crashing back against a hard surface and opened my eyes to find myself held up against the wall. My feet dangled helplessly above the ground while my hands leapt to hold onto Howard's wrist as his fingers encircled tighter around my neck, crushing against my wind-pipe. I chocked, gasping for air and struggling to keep my eyes open when all I could see was Howard's murderous eyes on me. And they hurt me more than his choking me ever could. Though that did fucking hurt as well.

I tried to pull his hands off me but his grip was iron-tight. "How…Howard…I-I…c-can't…"

"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!" He roared, slamming me back against the wall again. My head was knocked back once more and the world began to blur around me. "You evil, disgusting, stupid little…Do you have any idea what you've done?!"

"Howard, please…I can't breathe…" I cried, my voice rasping. For split second, as my pleading eyes met Howard's, I didn't think he gonna let go. I believed he was going to kill me there and then.

Then his fingers loosened and he dropped me to the floor like an unwanted bin-bag. I staggered once my feet hit the ground and I massaged my throat, gratefully taking in a heap of air to my lungs. Doubling over, I looked up to a seething Howard. He may have let me go but the deadly glint in his eyes remained. Before I could think of moving, his hands were on me again, this time gripped on my forearms. His thumb began to bore into a familiar tender spot beneath my left shoulder.

His hands were shaking. I could tell he had never done something like this before and it was terrifying him. He was moving on pure grief and hatred. _He hates me_.

"Howard…" I squeaked, cowering in his grasp, "…I swear I was only thinking of you-"

"LIAR!" He explodes, bashing me back against the wall once again; "YOU WERE ONLY THINKING OF YOURSELF. ALL YOU WANTED WAS TO DISTRACT ME LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO. You have no idea about what I'm going through, do you? You didn't even cry when your own...Is that what the hair is all about, is it? Jet black? Like you sodding HEART!"

The door burst open to a swish of middle-eastern robes and a body of dark fur. Howard didn't recognize their entrance at first, his focus fixed on me and shutting out the rest of the world. Something I used to pray to the rock n' roll gods to happen for me. They obviously misheard me, the deaf gits. Our flatmates stared, gormless, at us for the first few seconds. I glanced at Naboo, assuming by the furrowing of his brow that he was wondering whether we were some effect of his "'avin' it large!".

"What's goin' on?!" He demanded to know, with as much authority as a four hundred year old shaman trapped inside an ever-youthful short body could sound. "Bollo, get Howard off before he kills Vince!" He ordered the ape beside him.

Bollo didn't need telling twice. He grabbed Howard's arms with his paws and pinned them behind his back with more of a struggle then it looked like he'd guessed he needed to use on a light-weight wimp like Howard. The maverick writhed violently in front of me, while I pressed myself back against the wall, hoping Naboo would enchant it and allow me to sink into it like I did that in that mirror of his.

My hands were sweating with fear. Not fear of Howard physically hurting me. That wouldn't make so much as a dent to what else I was dreading. It was the fear of losing my best friend forever that was munching away at my insides without ever being satisfied. Not too long ago I had been holding Howard in my arms, believing something beautiful could come out of this tragedy - and now he was having to be hold back by Bollo in case he snapped my neck. The world was put on mute for a small moment, where all I could see was Howard in front of him, snapping and clawing out at me like a beast for my blood. Oh God. What had I done to him?

"Harold go crazy! Harold try and hurt precious Vince!" The ape was growling as he held Howard's arms back tighter, which only agitated him further.

"It's not his fault, Bollo. Don't hurt him!" I cried out.

Naboo came up to me; "Vince, what the hell's happened? Have you been going through my stuff - is Howard possessed?!"

"Harold filled with demon. Bollo beat demon out of Harold with fists!"

"NO!" I shouted, waving my hands up, "It's not like that! He's not possessed. It's my fault!"

There was a small pause.

"Can Bollo still beat Harold with fists?"

This time it was Naboo turning to the gorilla; "Just keep hold of him, Bollo, don't do anything!" He then turned back to me; "Now what's happened? What did you to him?"

"Go on, Vince!"

Howard had spoken up properly for the first time since they entered. He was still snarling at me. I gasped when I noticed a fresh sheen of tears on his eyes, ready to spill as soon as he was forced to relive again the events of that day. "Tell them what you did. For me! 'Cause you're SUCH a good friend. Tell them!" He hissed savagely.

I ducked my eyes away from Howard's glare; "I…I didn't give Howard the message you gave me last night from his parents. Turns out they were ringing to say his sister had taken an overdose of smack. She died this morning…in 'ospital."

Naboo blinked, as much expression as he could physically achieve being plain to see on his deadpan face. There was a definite edge appearing to it as soon as my confession came out. Disgust.

This was when Howard burst into bitter tears; "He cost me my last moments with her! If he'd've told me last night then I could've got on a train and got to her in time! I could've been with her…I might've been able to help her through it! I could've saved her!"

"Oh are you a Healer as well now, Howard?" I snapped, surprising myself and the rest of the room. Fine. I could take the guilt of my mistake not letting Howard say goodbye to Cree. But there was no way I was gonna let him blame for her death. "You being there would've made no difference to if she'd have lived or died - she'd already taken the junk!"

"She might've faught harder if I'd been there with her. But we'll never know now, will we?!" He growled, hot tears slipping down his cheeks. "All because of you! I will get you back for this, Vince, as God is my witness!"

"I didn't force her to take that stuff! You were the one who spoke to her every other day; you should've opened your eyes for once in your vain, selfish life and saw she was having problems! Some brother you are…" I wanted to bite my words and spit them to the ground as soon as they passed my lips. Regret shrunk me back against the walls as Howard's eyes clouded over.

For a while he kept on staring, mouth open, drinking in my spiteful words. All I could do was look back at him, pleading with my eyes and hoping he could hear my sorries crying out from them.

Of course, this is Howard, and he barely see's a Stop sign until it whacks in the face.

He then lunges for me again. This time to kill. So forceful. So determined. Bollo can't hold him forever.

"_Narcolepiiii!_" Naboo summoned, flicking his wrist at Howard. A crackle disturbed the air.

Howard's head jerked backwards, eyes fluttering shut, before his body crumbled bonelessly backwards in Bollo's reluctant arms.

The heated atmosphere in our one shared room descends to a tense silence.

Panting, I looked down at my friend, my heart breaking all over again as it hits me that this is the most peaceful I've seen him at all that day. I moved forward, wanting nothing more than to cradle his head in my arms again and sooth him into a restful sleep.

Naboo's robed arm blocks my way. "I think it's best you get out of here, Vince."

"What? You're throwing me out?"

"Of course not. Y'know if I was to throw anyone out of the two of you out, it would be him first. But even I've got some compassion and you're not the one whose lost a sister. And you being here isn't helping him so maybe it's best you make yourself scarce while I'm sorting him out." Naboo explained calmly.

I looked over his turban at Bollo who was placing Howard down onto his bed. He flopped down like a big, old-fashioned rag doll, his eyes remaining closed. He needed to be made comfy. I couldn't see either of those guys doing that for him.

"I swear, Naboo…I had no idea about what had happened," I said, my eyes focused on Howard, "I just thought it was his parents harassing him again…It's not like he ever talks to me about Cree, I thought it was something to do with them that was making him all…"

"Howard-like? Vince, you don't have to explain anything to me. I don't really care." He shrugged, "It's Howard you need to convince-"

"I did tell him and he just went all Sweeney Todd on me like that!"

"He's angry and he's grieving. That's enough to push anyone over the edge - but this Howard we're dealing with. You should know better than anyone it's gonna take a while for his head to sort itself out again."

I nodded slowly, "How long do you think I should stay out of his way for?"

"A few days. A week is probably best. And when you do come back, don't expect everything to be perfect. Just 'cause I'm a shaman don't mean I can work miracles. Stay out of his way until he says he's ready to talk to you again."

I nodded again, the shaman bustling past me and into the hallway. Bollo was busy fluffing out some cushions. Mine, not Howard's. When finished, he huffed over to me and put a hand up onto my arm.

"Vince's new hair look good. Vince look like pretty lady who loves Rock n' Roll so much that she waste all her coins in jukebox." He said gruffly.

I smiled, giving his arm a grateful squeeze; "Thanks Bollo."

Bollo let me go and moved past me to follow Naboo. When he was gone I moved up to sit on the edge of Howard's bed as I had not too long ago. Before the fighting and the screaming. Everything that was just so alien and out-of-place in our magical little flat. I looked down at Howard, sleeping soundly at last, though I noticed his brow curved slightly. He still wasn't at peace. He wouldn't be for a while, I could tell. At that moment, I sent a private not-very-nice message up to Northeners Heaven and to Cree Moon. How could she do this to her brother? Didn't she think for a moment how this would affect him?

I put a hand onto Howard's head, again stroking through his curls. If it had been up to me then I'd've stayed in that spot for the rest of the day, watching over him. But I didn't fancy the idea of him waking up and kicking my teeth in. I bent my head down and left a chaste kiss on his forehead. "I've gotta go for a bit. Till you get a bit better yeah? I'll come back," I whispered, "Like I always do. I ain't gonna leave you like she did. I'll stay with you forever. I promise."

Naboo wandered back into the room. I leapt up off Howard's bed in a flash. The mini-Aladdin was carrying a steaming mug of beige liquid in his hands that he placed down on Howard's bedside table.

"What is that?" I asked while Naboo propped Howard's head up slightly before picking up the mug again to bring it to his lips.

"It's the same stuff I gave you when Howard was taken to monkey hell."

"Ah, yeah," I remembered. That stuff, whatever, was genius. Don't think I'd've coped in those dark few days if it hadn't been for Naboo. "What is it, some sort of calming, soul-centering, magic potion?"

"…Yeah, sort of." Naboo said blankly, carefully making Howard drink the contents of the mug in his sleep. The tense curve in his brow began to smooth out as he sipped.

Smelt a bit like Horlicks.

* * *

**That's probably the longest chapter of garbage I've ever written. Woohoo! If you're not too drained from that then please give us a review. Yes. 'Us'. I am Golem. **


	5. Noir's Exile

**Thanks again to my wonderful reviewers. This part is a little bit shorter than the others (hears all round sigh of relief) as I initially writ it as the end part of the chapter before but then cut it off. Not quite as dark as the previous one but some gritty references and implications. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Not mine. Nor is S.H.E by IAMX  
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That first night away from Howard, I went straight to Leroy's and wanted nothing more than to curl up on the sofa with a tub of strawberry and mint ice cream and watch T.V. Then Leroy accused me of becoming a sad, hormonal, middle-aged woman and that I'd obviously been spending too much time with a certain someone. To stop him from taking the mick more than anything, I let him take me out to the club that me and Howard were supposed to go out to that night.

This comes as a shock to most, but, before then, I wasn't really into the whole club scene. Sure, I went out on weekends, always loving to be able to lose myself to some genius music and dance to my heart's content under my own private rainbow of disco lights. But it was mostly either down the pub with Howard after a gruelling long Friday shift at the zoo, or with Leroy or even some of the other zookeepers. That was always enough for me.

Clubs, I'll shamefully admit, scared me. From what I heard - mostly from Howard - or saw on the telly, were places full to the brim with crowds of jumping people, squashed into an area so tight that they couldn't move. I liked my space. I liked to be able to pull as many wide and crazy shapes as I wanted to. Judging from the size of these nightclubs, I wouldn't be able to become the side panel of a Smart Car, let alone a tractor. Also there weren't many nightclubs near to where we were at the zoo so I was never tempted to go and experience one for myself.

The place Leroy took me to on that first night was called _pLace_. Emphasising the 'L' made all the difference I'm guessing and didn't make whoever picked out the name seem like such an unimaginative twit. Apart from the name though, I had to admit the club attracted a load of good-looking people, clearly down to it's good taste in music. Eventually I managed to let myself go and give into the music the way I usually did. It wasn't too long after that when I began having people in the crowds magnetically pulled towards me. They were all looking at me. It had been so long since I'd had so many eyes on me at once. Part of me was waiting for them to burst into jeers and insults like once upon a time. But they were smiling at me. Loving me. All of them. Everyone.

Except Howard.

The days skipped on, nearly every night ending with Leroy taking me out to a different club each night. Some of them were dank, grimey, dungeon-like places. Filled to the brim with chain-smoking low-lives and heavily-painted slappers being felt up by some seedy old git against a back wall in front of everyone to the sound of dreary, suicide-inducing broken harmonies. Whereas others were a bit more 'my scene', filled with bright colours on the walls, in the lights and on the people, and music that I could let steal my mind away for a few moments.

After two weeks of staying at Leroy's, I found myself in an over-sized plug-hole of London which was sort of a mixture of the two club experiences I'd had. The dance floor was small, with cushion-thick air, the place having a sort of dark futuristic appeal to it, like a club that would be more suited after the world had ended. White and silver strobe lights flashed over the bustling crowd. Leroy had gone to get some more drinks, leaving me to dance with a group of fit girls, all wearing the same lightning-bolt necklaces but with different coloured, florescent, skimpy dresses. In my mind I named them the Thunderbirds. All of them were looking at me as if willing to share me between the lot of them.

My body goes into auto-pilot, dancing along with the girls while my brain tries to part the haze building up from what I've drunk already that night. Leroy hands me a drink at least once every forty minutes, not taking a chance for me to sober up for a second. That's all it takes for my mind to drift back and remember why my back aches from sleeping on his sofa. Then it doesn't take long for his face to appear in front of me again. I shook my head, fortunately in time to the music crooning over us so no one raises an eyebrow at me like I'm a spazz.

_You've been left alone,  
A creature of innocence.  
You lie for what your worse  
And struggle with your confidence_.

A private laugh ran through me as I take in the lyrics being smoothly pumped into me. The girls in front mistake it for me grinning at them. I couldn't help but wonder, if I showed them a picture of how I looked fifteen years ago, would they believe me? Not that I had any pictures. Who in their right mind would ever want a reminder of the monster they used to be? No. No, that was never me. That was a different kid. I weren't even a kid anymore, as much as I acted like one. Everyone calls me immature. Well, mainly Howard. Ok, only Howard. But I liked being a kid and being beautiful at the same time.

I also liked getting drunk. I'd never seen the appeal much before. Always thought it had been a hobby of tramps and push-over housewives who knew their husbands were cheating on them. I liked how it got my mind away from all the guilt. All the self-loathing. Most of the time anyway. Why was Howard so quick to blame me like that? Everything was always my fault. It didn't matter how many times I said sorry or even if it had just been an accident. I was nothing but a...what had he said again? "An annoying monkey." Stupid. Useless. Trouble-making. Why was it so hard for him to like me? All the people around me then, in that club, in London, it was so easy for them. They all liked me...loved me, even...

Thunderbird 3, who I called as she was wearing a bright red silk dress, moved up close to me until there was barely an inch between us. Her mates were all scowling at her as she'd clearly betrayed some deal of trust between them. She didn't seem to care. She fluttered her dark brown eyes up at me, wriggling her hips closer against mine. She was pretty gorgeous - but she instantly disgusted me. Who went against their mates like that? Throwing them aside as if they were nothing in order to get off with someone. Still, I was up for a dance, whether she was a bitch or not. She can't have been no older than twenty. If that. They all looked quite young with their petite figures. Maybe it was a girls jockey outing or something.

She slid her arms up my chest and around my neck. I could feel Leroy's eyes on me from across the bar. Forcing a smile, I placed my hands around her hips and held her closer to me. I let her kiss me. Her eager tongue lapped against my open mouth while I reluctantly kissed back. I knew the schstick I'd get if I turned her down. _Still saving yourself for Howard, are you? _Sometimes I wondered why I bothered telling him stuff. I had to suppress another laugh. What would this girl think if she knew I was picturing my older, mustached, jazz-loving best mate as I snogged her?

_And when your devil complains  
And tears you up to start again  
And when you're lying on the stage  
And nothing works, just living hurts_

I had to stop kissing her then, another thought barging it's way in uninvited. What would Howard think if he saw me kissing some random girl in a club whilst drunk? Would he care? Of course he wouldn't be jealous or anything. He'd hate me more if anything. He's grieving and I'm spending near to every night getting smashed out of my brains at different places each night. I wasn't like Howard though. I couldn't just sit around, wallowing in my own misery. I didn't know how to 'wallow'. I glided through misery like a surf board atop a steady seaside wave.

The red-dressed girl drew back from me, sensing my distraction. She whispered something in my ear that I couldn't make out, before tugging my hand. I let myself move with her, a puppet on a string, until I found myself in the unisex toilets. I needed to lose myself. Music wasn't enough. Maybe this girl was. I still had the rhythm pumping through from the club into the toilets. Thunderbird 3 led me into an open cubicle and practically pushed me down onto a seat of a loo. She then moved up to straddle me around the waist with a pair of skinny jean-clad thighs, her smooth arms slinking over my shoulders. Before I could say single pleasantry like, oh I dunno, introducing myself - her tongue was back down my throat.

We weren't kissing for longer then few seconds before someone knocked on our door. It was ajar anyway. It slowly opened for us to see a tall, skinny guy with a goatee creep his head through the door. I nodded my head at him politely, too dazed and far gone to be that pissed off, which I think Thunderbird 3 was, just a tad, judging by the scowl on her face.

"What d'you want? We're busy!" She snaps, a voice raspy like razor wire. Had she been smoking since she was eight or something?

The goatee guy smirks; "Just wondered if you two fancied anything stronger to make your night more enjoyable?"

Thunderbird 3 perked up instantly; "Oh! Like what?"

She slid off my lap and got to her feet, leaving me sat jadedly on the toilet seat. I leant forward, secretly relieved that she was off me. My head lolled into my hands. I suddenly felt so dizzy. When was the last time I'd had a decent nights sleep? I missed my nice, soft, glittery bed. I missed having someone to talk to in the scary black darkness before I could be brave enough to fall asleep. I missed a lot of stuff.

_Forget, forget  
With a secret harmonic emotion...  
_  
"'Ey, you're that guy everyone's talkin' about lately, aren't you? The one stealin' away all our girls attentions?…Vince Noir, is it?"

I lifted my weary head up; "Yeah, that's me."

Was it really? _The guy everyone was talkin' about?_

Goatee guy moved towards me, holding out a harmless brown package in his hands; "Go on, have it on the 'ouse this time. Special offer for Shoreditch's new IT boy. Got a load in there for you with some rollups to use your foil if you prefer that. You kids got a lighter?"

"I have," chimed Thunderbird 3, "Come on, Vince, take it." She moved back beside me, running her fingers down the back of my hair.

Was this how Cree go onto the stuff? A little 'bit of fun' in a club toilet to give some edge to her lost, lonley life with whoever was offering the stuff to her? Did this girl have a family who loved her and wanted her home safe, not in a body-bag?

I shuddered, my eyes then fixed on the not-so-innocent-as-it-turned-out package behind held out in front of me. Images flashed through my mind like a grotesque flip-book. A girl the same age as the one toying with my hair inhaling the fumes of this junk and going off her head. The cubical filled with smoke. Smoke, smoke, smoke and no escape. An unconscious small body. An ambulance. A crying mother. Or a distraught brother. A life-support machine being switched off. A funeral. Oh god…All that and more contained within one small brown parcel.

Thunderbird 3 was now tired with waiting for me to take the package. She sighed heavily, no doubt pissed off at having to be the one to take control all this night. I saw her hands go out to grab the package from Goatee Guy and I held her hands back with such force that I had to get to my feet, nearly pushing her against the wall. She let out an annoyed scream. I didn't mean to hurt her. I'm not even sure if I have. All I can see is a pretty young girl who could have so much more ahead of her rather than doing herself in on smack in a skanky club toilet.

"What the hell is your problem?" She frowns at me.

"I'm not having that stuff….M'not…" I say aloud, my voice breaking like a pre-teen's.

Goatee Guy raises an amused eyebrow whilst Thunderbird 3 starts laughing; "Guess they were wrong. You really are a boring freak like your mate then."

I could've turned around and slapped the bitch then, until a familiar voice pulled me back to reality.

"Vince!" Leroy calls, walking into the toilets. He susses the scene out at once; "…Is everything alright mate?"  
_  
No everything was not fucking alright_, I wanted to scream at him. He was just looking out for me though. Yet it wasn't enough. I'd had enough of this. Ok, I liked it, I liked the music and the attention but…this was beginning to turn into something else and it wasn't me. Without bothering to excuse myself, I pushed past Goatee Guy and didn't even stop to say bye to Leroy as I dashed out of the bathroom. I ran. I didn't want random snogs in toilets and drugs handed to me like bags of sweets. It was nearly two in the morning, I noticed, glancing at my new watch from Camden market. Two in the morning and I was tired. I wanted my own bed. I wanted rest and warmth and safety and, fuck it, I wanted Howard.

I ran through the club, the parting crowd watching me go like a speeding electro bullet. I wonder who I learnt that from. Soon I reached the double doors, pass the bouncers who I noticed eyeing me up before it hits them I'm the same gender as they are, my lungs breathing in as if having swam to the surface of a pool and had reached open air at last. Then I continued running, the music attempting to chase me away from the club and back to mine and Howard's if I could remember the way...

_Don't cry for audience  
There's no one that can take you home_.

*** * ***

I was in hell.

No, I mean literally. I was in actual hell. It's so much worse than the monkey version as well.

I was tied to a stake in the middle of the nightclub I swore that I was only moments before. Everyone was dancing around me. For me. Like some kind of depraved pagan ritual. The Thunderbirds appeared through the crowd and tore off my shirt within seconds, clutching a piece to themselves like a comfort blanket, breathing in the smell of Vince Noir.

A long, metal poker was being carried towards me. The tip a searing amber. I could feel it's heat before it even touched my naked torso. Then it was held below my stomach and lunges forward where the tip kisses my abdomen with a blindingly painful hiss.

I cried out. "Stop! Please, stop!"

_"Vince?"_

The dancers were now laughing as well.

I writhed against the ropes. I couldn't take much more.

_"Vince!"_

Why were they doing this to me? What had I done? I turn to look at the person holding the burning poker to my flesh.

I screamed. Louder and louder until…

"Vince, shh. Wake up!" That all-to-familiar voice ordered.

I opened my eyes.

The club, the dancers, the flaming poker…it was all gone. Everything except the pain boring into my hip. I grimaced, my mind slowly waking up and taking in where I really was. Then it all washed over me. I was back where I wanted to be. In my room. In mine and Howard's bedroom above Naboo's shop. And, squatted in front of me, was Howard himself, dressed in his pajamas and holding my Nicky Clarke straighteners in his hands, looking at me with a mixture of bewilderment and worry. I breath a sigh of relief. At least he's not looking at me like he wants to kill me anymore.

I sat up, slowly, having somehow ended up on the hardwood floor in front of my full-length mirror. My straighteners were plugged into the wall and had been switched on (Howard had now turned them off). I looked down at my front to see a blistering mark already beginning to form where I'd obviously fallen asleep on my straighteners. Then it came back to me. In bits and pieces. First stumbling out of the club, then darkness for a while....then, eventually, me finding my way home, stumbling into the flat, going into Howard's room and trying not to wake him, then getting the silly idea of making myself look pretty for him by redoing my hair. Only they'd taken too long to heat up and I'd ended up having a little sleepy on top of them.

"Oh, shit…" I winced from both the pain and the sight of my scar. My body weren't made for scars.

Howard tutted, hovering a hand over it but not touching; "You've really gone to town there, haven't you, little man?"

His hand reached out to give my arm a gentle squeeze.

And just like that, I forgot all about the scar. And the pain. And everything else that happened that night. I looked up at Howard. He looked so tired. And slightly pissed off that I'd woken him up. But he didn't hate me. I could work that much out in a second. He kept hold of me, reassuringly, for a precious moment that I wish I'd pocketed and kept with me for ever, before letting go, his warmth lingering on my skin.

I stumbled into my pajamas whilst Howard went to the bathroom, returning the First Aid kit in his hands. We were both set down on the floor between our beds, neither of us speaking, whilst Howard gently tended to my burn. I winced as he padded some sort of ointment to the blistered skin but tried my best not to make a fuss.

Howard eventually stopped padding my wound and taped a large plaster over it. I couldn't help but notice how his fingers brushed smoothly over it, making sure it was pressed to my skin. I sighed, pulling down the hem of my old over-sized Stones t-shirt, looking away bashfully. Howard didn't stand up. He was looking at me in that familiar 'what-exactly-is-this-friend-of-mine' look he used to give me back the zoo.

The atmosphere was far too silent to what I'd been used to over the last fortnight. My arms were itching; "…How was the funeral?"

Howard looked at me, shocked that I'd remembered it had been today. I'd been calling Naboo every day for the past two weeks to check up on my friend. Each day, when I asked if it was good for me to come home, the shaman would say something along the lines of "His inner harmony isn't fully restored yet." And I had to stay away for another day, the crack if my heart growing a tad wider.

"Uhmm…funeral-like," Howard replied, uncomfortably, "They're a bit different from your electro raves, Vince."

I shrugged; "Was only asking."

"…Alright. It was awful." Howard confessed huffly; "It was all planned out the opposite of how she would ever have liked it. Mum was putting on this obvious distraught parent act when really it was just an excuse for her to wear her favourite black dress and veil. Dad had the nerve to get up and say a speech about his 'darling daughter', as if he knew the first thing about her. All I could do was sit there and try not to shove him into the cremator-" Howard saw the frown on my face; "Fire in the church."

I nodded. I didn't know what else to say. Asking about the funeral had been a big enough risk.

"Anyway…" Howard sighed, "That's all over now. And this is what you've been doing the past two weeks, is it? Getting 'in' with the clubbing crowd?"

"Mmmm," I mumbled, "S'not as bad as it looks, H'ward, honest. Tonight was a bit shit but…I've had some genius times. I've gotta take you to them some time."

"Don't think it's really my scene, Vince."

I considered that; "Yeah, 'course it ain't, but it could still be fun. But most of these bands that play at these places, H'ward, are terrible. We could do so much better than them lot."

"Sounds like a challenge." Howard nodded.

"Really?!" I asked, taken aback at the eager beat in Howard's voice; "We're still gonna try with the band idea?"

"It's either that or get proper jobs."

We both laughed. Well, chuckled more like, a more repressed version coming from Howard. I couldn't believe how much he'd cheered up. It almost scared me. That Horlicks-like potion Naboo gave him really was genius.

I licked my lips nervously once we were quiet again; "…Does this mean I can come home now then?"

Howard frowned; "I didn't know you were being kept away."

"Naboo said it would be best. After, y'know…" I ducked my head again, remembering the last time Howard had spoken to me.

"Ah…yeah," Howard said slowly, "I'm sorry I freaked out there, little man. I didn't know what I was doing."

I looked up through my fringe. It was hard to believe that he still wasn't the least bit angry with me, after he'd swore to hurt me before; "So…you're not mad at me anymore?"

A beat passed.

"Guess not." He shrugged carelessly. Too carelessly.

"Howard…I really am sorry."

He smiled again; "I know you are."

I watched him get to his feet. Despite the small bit of laughter we shared before, I was feeling really cold all of a sudden. I got up only to sit on the edge of my bed, looking up at Howard standing before me.

"Look…Naboo reckons we should all go on holiday next weekend. Get away from the city. Reconnect with each other and all that gypsy rubbish." Howard explained stonily.

"That sounds like a good idea." I said. It had been ages since me and Howard had been on holiday together, "And you can pick the place, H'ward."

"I'd planned to, sir." He said simply, turning to climb into his own bed.

Something still wasn't right. I could sense it.

"Ey, Howard?" I asked carefully.

"Mmm?"

"We…me and you, yeah. We're ok. Right?"

It took three attempts before Howard could manage a smile back. "We're always ok."

I tried to smile too, still uncertain and yet grateful that Howard hadn't just ignored me. It was so good to see him smiling again. Taking that as initiative, I got up and moved across to try and put my arms around him. But before I could reach him;

"G'night, Vince." He said hastily, turning off his lamp, pulling his duvet over him and turning to face the wall.

My hands dropped at my sides. Again.

I turned and slid under my duvet, also turning to face the wall, cringing as my burn stung as I rolled onto it. Howard's voice rose once more.

"I said g'night, Vince."

I didn't reply.

What was the point?

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**Sorry for the amount of angst so far. The next part is a nice refreshing dose of fluff, you'll be glad to hear. Reviews are Love. **


	6. Awakenings I

**Fluff? In one of my fics? You all better pinch yourselves just to be sure. Not to hard though, I don't want anyone self-harming on my part. HAPPY EYES! Howard's POV now, for a small interlude before the angst comes a rollin' back. And the song at the end during the flashback is Leanne Rhimes "Can't Fight The Moonlight."  
**

**Disclaimer: Don't own 'em. I did try but they managed to pick the locks on each other's chains and escape. Wait, did I say that out loud?**

* * *

"I tell you, I've had it up to here, sir. The amount of times one of us has had to scramble around for a pencil, a paperclip or a sharpener in our moment of need, it's ridiculous. It's our own fault. And I don't mean just us as a fami…as a household, I mean as human beings in general, we don't take care of stationary the way the ancient Egyptian scholars intended to. That ends this 'noon. I'm gonna get it all sorted out in one section. Maybe jazz it up a bit for presentation, which I'm sure you'll give your thoughts on, maybe help me sort it into a jenga stack. Or maybe even a little town. You'd like that, wouldn't you? Like lego…only with pens and sellotape instead of bricks."

"Mmm, genius." My friend mumbled from his place at the window, in the old red barber's chair, focus buried half-heartedly in a copy of _Dazed & Confused_.

"Ok, Vince, now you're frightening me."

He looked up at last; "What?"

"Do you have any idea of what I'd just been saying?" I asked, one hand on my hip, the other on the glowing green counter.

Vince shrugged, "We're a bit too old to be playing with lego, I think, Howard." And with that, I lost him to his magazine once again.

"That's a bit rich coming from someone who was playing with a toy car this morning." I snorted.

"Yeah but that's different. Lego is for toddlers. Cars are for-"

"Five, six and seven year olds."

"Exactly. Takes a much more steady, mature mind to be trusted with steering them." Vince explained tiredly, "Now d'you mind? I'm trying to read 'ere."

Sighing heavily, I resigned to letting my friend continue to bury himself in his materialistic bible. I was starting to get worried now. Had we slipped into an alternative universe? I was trying to get Vince's attention and he was shrugging me off to read. All I needed know was for someone to hand me a banana, a poncho and a Rod Stewart wig, then the scene would be complete.

Picking up the dust cloth, I went back to my set task of cleaning up the cavern that was Naboo's shop. As spiders shifted moodily from their homes in eviction, I wondered if the little wizard had ever had this shop open. Or if he'd had anyone to employ it here at all. Vince and I had always been told to keep out and use the side door into the flat to enter and leave and we'd been none the wiser.

Maybe that was what was getting my flatmate down. _Wait. Had I just…?_ I put down the cloth. When it comes to a clean and tidy establishment, I'm usually the first one leading the Mr. Muscle patrol, as many know. But I simply couldn't get into the feel of it today. Not only where the spiders making me twitchy - arachnophobia is a common fear among many a person, nothing to be ashamed of - it was my friend's unusually and almost frighteningly sombre mood that was - "ARRGH! GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY!"

"What?" Vince looked up from his magazine to see me cowering backwards against the back shelves.

I was pressing myself back whilst the hideous beast was reaching its gigantic, long, furry legs up over the counter and pulling itself onto the counter's surface. Its beady black eyes glinted up at me, its little pincers clicking, drooling and snarling, ready to pounce, bite and suck in revenge for me having disturbed its families home.

"Please don't kill me! I've got so much to-"

A rolled-up magazine slammed down hard, as if sent from heaven itself, and crushed the three-inch wide harvest spider into oblivion. Its legs stretched out, twitching slightly, before lying still on the glass surface. I breathed a sigh of relief, letting my body loosen before gaining the will to look Vince in the eyes.

A cringe shook my body as I looked down at the crushed spider again, a sudden thought occurring to me, scarier than any eight-legged monster I'd come across.

"You…killed it…" I breathed.

"Yeah. So?"

"Vince, you never kill anything. You won't even clean up the cheese left under your bed in case we get infested by rats and they're hungry."

"It's just a spider!" Vince scoffed.

Even so, it seemed like something that would go against all the morals of a Vince I once knew. The Vince from the zoo would've tempted the spider away from me with a Topshop voucher before telling it the best place to find some sexy female spiders to get with. Still, the thing was gone now, I suppose I shouldn't complain about how it was done away with.

The mod-slash-goth-slash-new-raver-slash-pain-in-the-arse was shaking his smug head at me; "Honestly, Howard. When're you gonna strap on a pair?"

I resented that. My mind cogs were put to their work to think up a witty come-back but by the time they'd even strung two words together, Vince had thrown his precious magazine that was now tainted with a spider's splattered brain into the bin before going to take up his old place in the chair by the shop window. This time he merely sat there, arms folded, swinging around in it, looking for all words like a sulking six-year old.

Spiders could be dealt with later. Days later if possible, even months, it were fine by me. But Vince's unexplained bad mood was beginning to bring a dark fog down upon our usually sparkly, eccentric, magical abode. I slid around the counter, staying as far away from the remnant of spider's corpse as possible, moving up to my friend at the window.

"Vince, what's up? You're not moaning about us having to work in the shop now, are you?" I asked, wearily, "Look, the band wasn't earning us a pittance, we have to get a decent job to pay the rent. You should be grateful to Naboo for giving us work here instead of leaving us find jobs in these troubled times of employment."

"S'not that, Howard. M'looking forward to working in the shop, I told ya." He didn't sound the least bit enthused as he had before. Plus he'd been moaning all the morning we'd spent sorting out the stock into its right place. He was now looking out the window as if expecting someone dearly missed to pass at any moment.

"Well, it's not the record deal going bust, is it?" It had been a tense week since we'd got back from that accursed island. "It just wasn't meant to be, Vince. It weren't like it was our fault, they never got to judge us, it was merely a cruel twist of fate."

"Could say that again," Vince mumbled, resting his head on his knuckles.

So that was what was still getting my friend down. I suppose it only made sense. Ever since the first day I'd met the little guy, it had been his dream of being a music star. After a year of late-night rehearsals, intense auditions and failed gigs, we'd finally got our big break with Pie Face. As proud as I'd obviously been for myself, the majority of my heart was blooming for Vince, finally getting all his dreams come true at last.

Then the dream had turned into a nightmare involving the two of us, stuck on an island, eventually put on trial for killing my coconut wife. I hadn't seen Vince touch a Bounty ice-cream since.

An idea, fused with a desperate need to cheer my friend up, sprung to my mind. I grabbed mine and Vince's jackets from the coat rack and slung the black with diamond-studded one of the pair over Vince's sunken head.

"C'mon. Me and you are going out." I said, slipping my arms into my nutmeg sleeves.

The ruffled-raven mop popped out from under the jacket, blinking in surprise; "What? What about putting the shop up for Naboo?"

"It's a two man job Vince and it ain't gonna get done if one of us does nothing other than sit there and look pretty, 'cause you clearly aren't in the mood to help. So let's remedy that, shall we? Presides, they wouldn't call me the maverick if I didn't bend a few of The Man's rules every now and then. Anyway, let's make sure we're not gone longer than seventy minutes so as we can pass it off as a lunch break and we don't get sacked."

Vince looked at me with a raised eyebrow; "…Did you just say I looked pretty?"

"Shut up and put your jacket on."

A snigger broke out from Vince's lips - the sweetest sound I'd ever heard in my life. And I've heard every Miles Davis song in existence.

In the end we both realized that we didn't even need to bring our jackets. It was pretty warm for a late September's day. A toasty Indian summer had descended upon London lately to make up for the drizzly, windy excuse for a summer we'd actually had. Thank you very much, climate change. Vince took his off and tied it around his waist whereas I could do no such thing with mine, which my companion voiced was probably best, to save the world from seeing my "'ideous disaster-shirt.".

We went to the park. It had been too long since me and Vince had been out in the fresh air, surrounded by lush green grass, trees and wandering families of ducks, together. I was pleased to notice Vince already beginning to brighten up, the bounce returning to every step of his boots. Feeling the need to keep his mood high for as long as possible, I bought us a couple of ice creams from the near-by open van and carried them over to where Vince was sat down on a near-by bench under a large fatherly oak tree and beside the duck pond. He resembled a semi-amused nine-year-old now which was a grateful improvement. His smile widened when he spotted the multi-coloured coated and flake-topped vanilla cone I reached out for him to take.

"Wow, thanks Howard!" His whispered tone, mixed with the return of twinkle in his baby blues, took me back to a time not longer than a couple of years ago. "You got all the sprinkles, chocolate sauce and M&M toppings…You even got a flake!" He took the cone into his hands, eyeing it up as if it were more a rare, precious jewel, rather than something to eat.

"When Howard Moon buys ice cream, he goes all out, sir." I smiled, Vince's burst of enthusiasm contagious.

He glanced over at my cone, a slight frown forming; "You ain't got anything on yours. There's barely any ice-cream."

I shrugged, "You know I don't have much of a sweet-tooth, Vince."

"Still, the little white blob looks all lonely. 'Ere, have my flake or sommat."

"No, I bought that flake for you."

"Well how about just a couple of sprinkles then?"

"No."

"One M&M?" Vince picked up the single bead of chocolate, hovering it near my cone teasingly; "C'mon. Look, it's your favourite - brown!"

"…Alright then," I conceded, letting him plant it on the tip of my vanilla swirl. He smiled at me as he sat back to eat his ice-cream artwork, shrinking dimples flashing as if having one some sort of game with me. Life was a game with Vince Noir.

He pulled out his flake from the vanilla, admiring half of it being coated with ice cream and sprinkles; "What you got against flakes? The bits of chocolate remind you of spiders legs, do they?"

"No - I happened to have a traumatic experience once." I said, gazing off into the distance.

Vince tutted, munching off a bit of chocolate; "Should've known. Go on then, what happened? Did someone stab you in the eye with one? Or did it just crumble in your hand before reaching your lips?"

"…The second one."

He chuckled again, "Oh, you spazz."

"Oi!" I chided, turning to face him with a warning finger; "Anymore of that and I'll come at you like a swarm of bumble bees and knock that cone out of your hand."

Vince's eyes widened. Not in mock-fear to match my mock-insult but more to say; "Oh really?" as his mouth was busy sucking the cream and sprinkles off the tip of his flake. His lips were embraced tightly around it, tongue almost visibly smoothing it's way around the chocolaty stick behind those rosy cheeks, fingers sliding the flake in and out of his mouth. The little tease had no idea what…

"What you lookin' at me like that for?" asked Vince, popping the flake from his mouth.

"Like what?" I replied, shifting in my seat a bit.

"Like I'm Breakfast Bob on that island. Oh god, if you're gonna try that again, Howard, then a park is the worst place to bring me to. I've made a lot of friends around here, they'll jump to my defence in a sec and pummel you into the ground."

"Will they now? And then I guess Charlie will appear and suck me into his pink belly for me to die like those Eskimos, will he?"

"Who's Charlie?"

At first, I'd hoped I'd only misheard my friend's words through the consuming of chocolate. I looked across at those blue eyes frowning at me in that familiar quizzical look as he munched away on the last of his flake before continuing to devour the ice cream itself. I opened my mouth, letting it hang for a couple of seconds, before closing it. I shook my head.

Vince shrugged, not a trace of recognition passing across his face, his attention fully turned back to his ice cream.

I hesitated, wondering if I dare ask the next question; "Vince…"

"Mmm?"

"…You wanna tell me another one of your stories about where you grew up?"

He stopped licking, the tip of his tongue poised on the cream as his eyes turned to look at me. He straightened up, frowning, confused; "What d'you mean? You know I don't like talkin' about having to live on the streets like Oliver Twist for all them years, Howard."

I nodded slowly; "Right…"

"You should go see a doctor. I think those rotten coconuts might have given you lasting brain damage. Your memories going. Or maybe that's just you going senile."

"We're the same age!" I cried out for the umpteenth time.

Vince broke into a snigger; "What you on about, y'nonce? You're ten years older than me!"

I stared, dumbstruck, whilst my deluded friend went back to painting his lips with ice-cream and sprinkles. "Where…did you get that idea from?"

He shrugged; "S'what everyone knows. Stop lying about your age Howard, it doesn't make a difference to me. Don't worry; I'll still feed you and need you when you're sixty-four - next year."

"That would make you fifty-four, you berk!"

"As if, I'll never be older than twenty-two."

I shook my head, not sure anymore whether Vince was genuinely believing his words or playing a joke anymore. It was getting the point now where I was tempted to wack the ice cream out of his hand and shake him roughly to try and bring some vague sense back into that head of his. Perhaps the coconuts had had a lasting effect on his already-frazzled brain as well.

Vince was manipulating history. At first when he'd started telling me about growing up 'in the forest' I thought it was just him talking about the novelettes he scribbled down in school. Then he started to talk as if they weren't stories anymore but genuine memories. I indulged him, knowing full well it was a defence mechanism to block out the horrible death of his parents. Then it began to scare me. Especially when he said that he'd actually met up with Brian in a random forest we happened to be in. Now he'd changed that. Mowgali in Flares wouldn't dare crush an innocent spider to death with a mere magazine. Now he was a ragga-muffin from the streets. A cockney bitch having faught his way to the top of the social ladder. A better story for him to tell Heat magazine when he made his fortune, I'm guessing.

Brian was gone. His animal friends, gone. Charlie, gone. Vague grip on reality and age, gone. Everything that had once made up the innocent, naïve, imaginative kid I used to know was dissolving and slipping through his fingers like unwanted grains of sand. Everything that was holding him back from fitting in with his growing Camden crowd was being scattered away to the ether. How long would it be before he woke up and his mind had chosen to lose one more piece of baggage and forget about me?

"Oi, small eyes. Your ice cream has melted." He said, nudging me out of my thoughts.

I toss the cone away towards the bin nearby. Safe to say, I can't throw very well and it misses by a good metre, falling onto the dirt. Fortunately Vince was too busy staring into space to notice this. Saved me at least one bit of mocking for the day.

"…So go on then." He said, lazily.

I frowned; "Go on what?"

"Why're we here? You obviously want something from me so let's get it over with."

"I don't want anything," I said, offended slightly by the insinuation. "Can't I just buy my best mate some ice cream on a nice autumn day?"

"You haven't bought me ice cream or come with me to the park in nearly three years, Howard." Vince pointed out, making my heart sting with an extra pinch of guilt.

I suppose that was my main motive for how I was being with Vince today. Not saying that it was all simply to ease my conscious. I genuinely wanted to make it up to the mod for how I'd treated him this past year. No doubt his low mood that very morning had been building up at least partly down to how I'd been with him. It really had been a long time since I'd even considered doing something nice and unselfish for him. I was too busy treating him like a constant thorn in my side. It wasn't fair. He always did so much for me without much question or fuss.

We'd been arguing a lot these past dozen or more months. Of course, we'd always bickered and teased each other, but now I could feel it sinking into something more. Something darker. Vince was taking the slightest thing I said to him too much to heart and snapping back at me. He'd been playing up more than I'd ever known him to do before. At first I blamed it on the Camden scene getting to him, the influences from his mindless fans wanting to tear him from my side. And, curse them, they were doing a good job. But I wasn't doing much to hold him to me. It was hard to cling to someone when you could barely allow yourself to hold their hand in times of impending doom. No matter how much my heart ached to do so.

My thoughts were cut through by a cone flying through the air and landing skilfully in the bin nearby. Jammy little bitch.

"Well? Spit it out." Prompted Vince, sucking his sticky fingers where the vanilla had melted onto.

"Look, Vince, I mean it. I don't want anything from you." I told a white lie. "Just thought it would be nice, after everything we'd been through lately, to come and have a nice, simple, afternoon out together like we used to. There's no big mysterious scheme, honest."

Vince blinked at me, still clearly sceptical. He drew up one of his knees to his front on the bench; "Oh…" There was a waver in those eyes of his. Something that appeared to resemble…disappointment? Had he wanted me to ask him for something?

Was that really how he thought I saw him now? As no more than a (not-so) helpful side-kick?

Wait, even that wasn't fair. Shit. I was doing it again. I thought I'd learnt my lesson on that sodding island. But old habits were hard to kick dead. I knew now and I wasn't afraid to admit it. I needed Vince. Of course I did. Not just to help me out with brilliant schemes and life-threatening quests. I needed him because…Just because.

I sighed, realising that we'd sunk into yet another awkward silence, going against the whole point of what this afternoon was supposed to be about; "D'you wanna feed the ducks?"

Vince shook his head, at least offering a weak smile as thanks for me asking. Knowing he'd once loved to do it. "They're all on the G.I diet like I was and I left the malt loaf at home."

"You keep going on anymore diets and you're gonna be skinner than those ducks necks."

"Ey, I have to be skinny, it's my thing." Vince replied, brightening up, "I'm the Shoreditch Twiglet."

"Thought you were a vampire?"

"Look, the only reason you don't want me to be skinny is 'cause it shows you up for how much weight you've put on."

"How dare you? I've been working out, sir, building my food weight into good strong muscle."

"As if, you're probably the only person in the world to be stranded on a desert island for two months and come off larger than you were just by eating a few coconuts."

I looked down at myself. Maybe I was getting a little bit porky; "Maybe I should join a gym…" I didn't mean to say that last bit aloud, yet it managed to tumble out in a dejected mumble.

"Oh, Howard, I didn't mean it to be nasty. I was only playing with ya." Vince said, patting my arm for a split second before drawing it back. The spot where he'd stroked it would keep tingling for a good half an hour.

"You don't think I should join a gym then? Or an exercise class?" I asked.

Vince cocked his head, his eyes scanning me up and down; "Well…maybe. It wouldn't do you any harm. One of us has gotta be the big, strong one and I'm too weedy. You can grow some strength and give me a rest from saving the day for once."

"Ey, I've saved the day before, when…" I thought back. Kangeroo? No, that'd had been Vince. Bainbridge's splicing knife? No, Vince again. Monkey hell? Vince. Parka people? Vince (and polar bear). Mod wolves? Vince. Spirit of… "Ah, I saved you from being stabbed up by those electro girls by filling in for your keyboardist!"

Vince snorted; "Yeah, sure you did. Then you started playing, got possessed, stripped your clothes off, gave three people a fatal heart attack before igniting an electro stab-up while we both lay on the floor unconscious. Nice work, hero."

"I'll take that as a thank you then." I said gruffly.

"Since when do you ever thank me for saving your life." Vince shrugged, turning back to look at the water. It hadn't even been a question.

I stared at him, his words hitting me like a loafer to the gut. He'd saved my life all those times. And more in the past year. He helped me cover up for Precious' death even after I'd drawn that line in the sand and told him to keep away. He'd come to save me from Old Gregg even after I'd practically thrown him off the boat. He came looking for me in that haunted forest even after I'd left him alone with that…oh I thanked God every day for him not confronting me on that.

And I gave nothing in return. If anything I only snapped at him more as the days went on. It wasn't his fault. Ok, it was, but not intentionally. Nothing ever phased him. He was always cheerful, always smug, always quick with the sharp words. I faught back of course as if I was simply annoyed. It wasn't just that though. I was jealous. Vince had luck and bravery of the kind I could only dream of. And after what he'd done to me…again, not something he did on purpose, and yet something the dark part of my heart couldn't help but hold against him. Who else did I have to blame? Myself? God forbid…

"Vince…" I sighed, preparing myself; "Listen. I know I ain't the easiest person to live with. And I know we don't have a lot in common lately. I know I've been snappy with you when you've just been trying to help and it seems like at times I take you for granted. But…I don't. I really do appreciate you for the sweet and thoughtful person you can be, most of the time, Vince. And I just wanna say…I'm sorry if I've ever made you think otherwise."

There was a pause. The sound of ducks chattering away and gliding through the water, as well as children playing football on the green behind us, was all that cut through our silence.

Vince lifted his head after what seemed like an eternity. His face was eerily serious, his eyes glistening in the sunlight; "Uhmm….Wow."

I almost winced. Had I achieved the impossible of rendering Vince Noir speechless?

"I dunno what so say," Vince continued, taken aback, "An emotional speech and apology from Howard TJ Moon. Better call Hell and tell the demons to start buying ice skates!" A small laugh emerged at the end of that sentence.

"Hey, I'm bearing my inner-most here, you little tart." I shot back, flaring up.

"I know, I know." Vince grinned. It was like that time in the Arctic cave all over again. At least Vince wasn't laughing as much this time. "…Thanks. It was sweet. And you don't need to be sorry for anything, Howard. It ain't like I'm a saint to you. Remember that time I was made a king by those aliens and they dressed you up as a slave? Didn't help you out much there, did I."

"No you didn't. All that power went right to your head, you little spoilt princess." I said with narrow eyes, remembering the humiliation clearly. "They kept hitting me with fans and you were laughing your 'ead off."

"It was only a bit of fun, I knew it weren't gonna last long," Vince shrugged carelessly, "Weren't no need for you to steal that amulet from me like that."

"Well I wanted to go find the fountain and you were too busy…Wait." I paused, catching Vince's words. "You **knew **it was me who did that?"

"'Course I did. The footprints leading in the sand from my tent to where you were conked out by that rock pretty much gave the game away. The blue midgets went berserk and only wanted to kill you at first. And they wanted me to be the one to do it. 'Course I told 'em there was no way on Xooberon that was gonna happen. Then they accused me of being a weak leader and not following my own law - and either I killed you or we both died together."

"And you chose…" Now it seems he'd left me speechless, my heart in my throat, "…Why?"

Vince chortled; "What d'you mean 'why'? You really think I'd've killed you to save my own neck? Honestly Howard, go see a doctor, let him sort that 'ead of yours out. There's no way I'd let you go meet your maker without me by your side. I know you think I'm a bitch but I ain't that cruel."

"I don't…I don't think you're a bitch." I said, still shocked by Vince's admission.

"Yeah, you do. But it's alright. I'm a bitch and you're a coward. So, together, we make a normal person I suppose." Vince said, smiling, before breaking into an enormous yawn brought on by the strong afternoon blaze of sunlight. "We've gotta stick together. Even through a little thing like death."

He closed his eyes, leaning his head back over the edge of the bench's back, the sunlight washing over his face. I regarded him carefully, with new eyes in me than before, eyes that had been morphing a recently in order to see what I was seeing now. Another heroic act of Vince's to add to my list. Another time he'd put his own life ahead of mine to save me. My heart was swelling. I could barely contain it in my chest for much longer. I watched his sun-caught raven hair falling back from his head, his marble white skin shining like cut-glass facets in the sunshine. He was made of sunshine. The sun to my moon. _We've gotta stick together_.

"Vince….Thanks." I said, my stomach tingling, "For that and for everything."

He tilted his head to me, his smile stretching; "You're welcome, you bumbaclark. And what I said earlier, when you mentioned the electro girls, I meant it."

"What?" I asked, confused.

"You have saved me before. So you are. A hero, I mean."

"Since when?" I scoffed.

"You just are. Trust me…." Vince's voice trailed off into an even louder, wider yawn. He closed his eyes again and tilted his head further back over the edge.

There was no way that could be at all comfortable.

I slid close up to him, until our thighs and shoulders were pressed together. _Just this once_, I told myself. Then, after a deep breath, I tugged lightly on Vince's wrist, pulling him into me. His dazed head lolled around and forwards before snuggling against my shoulder, his breathing quickly evening out into slumber. I kept hold of his hand in mine, admiring how small and doll-like it seemed when compared to my big Northern paw.

Who could blame my frustration? It only seemed natural that it should be me - the older, taller, bigger, smarter of the pair to the be the one looking out for my little friend. Only it never turned out that way. Not visibly. I was always looking out for Vince, nobody could ever know how much. Beneath that bright, cheerful, almost infallible façade of happiness was a confused and scared little kid. Part of the constant fear in me every day, that I had to block behind a wall of vanity and other distractions, was that little kid wandering out from behind the veil at long last.

And I'd made that little kid a promise, yes sir. It didn't matter how long it took or how much Vince would drive me up the wall. I'd be there to catch him when that veil broke. _How will you catch him when the only time you can let yourself touch him is when he's unconscious? Will Vince have to be dead before you let yourself hold him again?_

I tried not to shudder as that thought went through me. Oh god. To the left of me lay a rock, to the right lay a hard place, and all I had stuck in the middle with me was the tired electro boy nuzzled into my side. I'd done a pretty poor job of protecting him so far…Fuck, I'd even gone as far as to nearly kill him to save my miserable self on that island…When he'd been willing to die with me. Not for the first time either. What the hell was wrong with me?

"H'ward…" Vince mumbled against my jacket.

"Yes, little man?"

"Are you ok?" He asked, his hair tickling softly against my cheek. The beloved scent of strawberries and tropical fruits were breathed up into my nose.

"Yeah, 'course I am…Why?" Could Vince read my mind? Oh god, that would've opened up a world of disaster. If he knew I'd just smelled his hair for one…

He slowly lifted his head; "'Cause you're crushing my hand."

"Oh!" I jumped, then instantly released him and shuffed away, "Sorry!"

"S'alright," Vince giggled, a little bit groggy. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, looking rather adorable as he did so. "I shouldn't be fallin' asleep on you anyway."

"Nonsense, sir. It's been a hectic year. We've scarcely had time to breath, let alone sit down and rest properly. No wonder it's collapsing in on you."

"Yeah but I can't have that today. I promised I'd go out with Leroy tonight for a drink and he wants me to meet some more friends of his at this new club."

My heart, which had been riding a wave of affection before, was now plummeting. "Oh…So you're not in tonight then?"

Vince looked at me, eyes widening; "Well I weren't planning to be. Why?"

"Nothin'. No reason." I smiled back.

The new raver wasn't having any of it. "Howard?"

"I mean it, Vince. Go off and see Leroy. You deserve a night out to have fun with your mates. Go and paint the town red."

Vince raised an eyebrow; "That's your idea of a fun night out, is it? Decorating?"

"Just go and see Leroy. I'll sort out the rest of the shop for today." I said, practically shoving Vince onto his feet.

He looked down at me for a moment, in a way that made me doubt he was going to move an inch from me. "Well…if you're sure. I'll see you later then."

"Take care. Have fun." I said after him.

He turned and started to walk.

I watched him go.

A family of ducks wondered across the path.

Vince stopped.

He turned back to me; "Look…uhmm, I'm not really feelin' up for the clubbing thing tonight. I'm still recovering from the jet lag and rancid-milk brain damage a bit. So how about I go meet Leroy now, maybe go to the wine bar with him for a few hours, and then come back about half-seven and we watch a film together? Naboo and Bollo are goin' to that Head Shaman's engagement party so…y'know."

I opened my mouth, aghast at the gesture; "Er…yeah. Ok. I'd be up for that." Whereas my head was ablaze of fireworks and can-can dancers.

"Cool!" Vince broke into a grin, those rosy cheeks lifting again; "We'll make a night of it, yeah. I'll bring us back some of that wine we both like."

"Sure thing." I grinned back, the infectious joy getting to me again. "I'll see you later, stumpy-legs."

"See ya later, Bovril-smudge."

With one last childish titter and a swish of raven hair, Vince turned and was practically bouncing down the path in his boots, as if he'd just been promised a lifetime supply of strawberry bootlaces. He slotted in so perfectly to the sunny, colourful autumn scene around him that anyone could've mistaken him for a figure in an oil painting. My eyes didn't leave him until he shrunk away over the horizon, when my heart gave off a pang of loss as soon as he was out of sight.

I'd tried. Honestly. I'd tried so hard to loathe the little sparkly tit. After the whole Cree disaster last year, I'd sworn to myself that I wouldn't let his smile melt me again. That I wouldn't let myself be won over by his charm, his eyes, his jokes, his sweetness. Even before Cree had died, I'd been trying. I felt guilty for spending so much time with Vince when I had a sister across the country, trapped with our miserable excuse for parents, sinking into misery. She'd pour her heart out to me on the phone and I'd let out my frustrations on the nearest person to me. That person always being Vince.

Then she'd died. And I know it wasn't Vince's fault. I also know that, though his actions had been intrusive, they'd been out of a weird kind of love. And I found out only earlier this week that whether Vince had told me about the phone call or not then it wouldn't have made a difference seeing as there was a derailment that night and I'd never have been able to get to Leeds in time before she passed away. That threw some guilt off me for not being there for my sister when she died. Yet it snowballed right back into me again when it hit me how I'd been treating Vince all this year. The things I'd done…the things I'd said…the things I'd almost let happen to him…What kind of so-called best friend did that make me?

I'd tried to hate him, telling myself I was only sticking with him out of 'Howard Moon's honour' due to the promise I made all those years ago. I knew straight away that I'd gone too far with the Kodiak Jack thing. After the whole gruesome Hadley business - the very reason for why I thought it best not to show too much physical affection to the confused electro boy. Luckily Vince had faught his way out of that unharmed. But I'd still paid in karma, being brainwashed by the yetis I'd sold my friend for and came close to being molested myself. Then there was that time on Xooberon, standing before Vince with nothing but a loincloth to hide my shame, watching as he stretched himself out among those cushions and toyed that sodding peacock feather along his face. Teasing me. Tempting me. And I'd been so frustrated by the feelings bubbling away inside of me. It wasn't just brotherly fondness I was feeling for him that moment. It was something much more raw. Much more animal. Something I wasn't used to at all and it scared me to my soul. All I could do was lash out, like I always did when frustrated.

Vince was my best mate. My annoying, stupid, shallow best mate. I couldn't be having those feelings for him. I wasn't even supposed to be liking him. _He'd stopped me knowing that my sister was dying_. Was what I'd focused on in my mind whilst staring down at him in that tent, _It's just the foreign planet air getting to me. This little titbox needs to be taught a lesson. I should hit him. Strangle him with my chains. Hold him down by the neck against those pillows, rip off his shirt and smother his back with kisses all over, until. No. NO_. The shock of what I'd been thinking had me knocked off my senses for days after that. I had fancied Vince. **Vince**. I'd prayed so much that it was a mere mental malfunction and such feelings would never rise again.

For a while, it seems, I got my wish. I kept telling myself over and over. I didn't love Vince. I didn't love Vince. I didn't love Vince.

Then I was kidnapped and trapped in a cave with a funk-loving merman who'd planned to make me Mrs. Gregg (or Mr, I was never sure how it would work with that thing). All I could think of, in those dark hours of fear, with seawater and baileys surrounding me and keeping me trapped with the algae transsexual, was Vince. Beautiful, funny, precious Vince who I feared I'd never see again - having left him last with nothing but a cruel few words of envy before telling him to get lost.

_"Sometimes you say you don't love someone when you do 'cause you're playing hard to get."_

Only I wasn't playing hard to get. I didn't want to be 'gotten'. I was so sure I didn't.

All I was doing was pushing Vince back further and further. Look where we'd got too now. Where I could only dare to let myself get close to him if he was too tired to really take in what I was doing. And I hadn't even done that right without losing my nerve and hurting him somehow. Not that he'd even been that tired, just a little dazed from the afternoon heat and the work we'd done setting up the shop earlier. Vince wasn't used to hard labour. He'd grown lazy since leaving the zoo. So had I. How our bodies hadn't given up on us on that island was a miracle. Of course, our minds almost had. I'd pushed Vince back again then. I'd drawn a line in the sand to separate us.

There I was, trying to write a poem about the beautiful women I'd met in my life, had held close to my heart and inspired - even though the only one I'd been truly trying to think of was the sister I'd lost - and yet the only thing entering my mind was Vince's pointed features. Even if I looked away, there he was, there he always was, my one constant meaningful thought. It just wasn't right. So I'd pushed once more. Vince was gone. Yet he was still always there. I couldn't even replace him with a coconut friend who I'd thought would be my ideal of the perfect companion for an intellectual such as myself. How wrong I'd been.

It was always Vince making the first move. Vince crossed over the line I'd drawn. Vince broke down the barriers. Vince invited me over to his and Ruby's hut to set me up with Precious. Vince had held us together while I'd been trying to break us apart. He was so amazing. I'd kept myself back, away, hidden with Precious. Beating myself up for these feelings I was still having. My mind had melted, simmering beneath a glaze of hot coconut milk.

_The fast, pounding club music beats from across the island and into my little shack. I can hear the drunken but playful laughter rising above it like the waves of the nearby ocean. One voice I recognise above all the others and gives my heart wings to soar. Not to mention that it's the only real laughter there. I peer through the tiny gap of a window in the wall of metal and driftwood surrounding me._

_I spot him immediately. I think if he was standing in the middle of a crowd of people dressed identical to him and with his hair style then I'd still be able to pick him out like a prize in those lucky dip machines at the sea-side. Now though I can spot him as he's the only person really animate at this party of his, twirling around on his own with a 'glass' of tequila (or whatever the hell he was able to make for alcohol on this island), lost content in his own imagination. He lifts his drink up into the air, laughing as the liquid leaps into the air and yet still manages to land back in the gauntlet. His palm leaves ride up as he raises his arm high, flashing me some porceline smooth flesh from his middle._

_**You think that you won't fall,  
Well just wait until the sun goes down.**_

_**Underneath the starlight,  
There's a magical feeling so bright,  
It'll steal your heart tonight.**_

_Then it hits me that, though surrounded by friends as wooden as the ones he has back in Camden, he's really all alone. Dancing and singing to himself like a little girl at a tea party surrounded her teddy bears. My chest tightens. I want so badly to go out and join him. I want to be the one he can dance with. I want to take him in my arms, the moonlight shimmering down on us, bury my face in his black masterpiece and whisper that he'll never be alone again._

_"I thought I told you to put those shelves up!" The nails-on-chalk-board voice croons from behind me._

_I rolled my eyes, turning to face my coconut bride; "Alright! I said I'll do it!"_

_She glowers at me, wrinkling her nose in disgust; "You were looking at him again, weren't you?! You keep wanting to be with him all the time. It's revolting."_

_"What's wrong with Vince, exactly?" I ask, daring for her to insult my friend._

_"He's a bad influence on you, Howard. He's trying to take you away from me."_

_"Well I think he's a good influence on me. Him and Ruby, having fun. And what do we do all day? Put shelves up!" I said defensively, my lips curving into a snarl at the last three words._

_Precious advances on me, her eyes ablaze with fury; "If you don't like it then you know fully well where to go, Howard! He's right out there, waiting for you, your little bitch. I'm not the one keeping you locked away in here. But I can happily do that if you really want me to."_

_"C-can you back off, you're crowding me here…" I stutter, that all-to-familiar fear of losing personal space weighing down on me. The sinister tone in my wife's heartless voice was doing nothing to ease that terror either._

_**Deep in the dark  
You'll surrender your heart  
But you know  
You can't fight the moonlight**_

_"The way you always go on about him, Vince-this, Vince-that, even though it's you insulting him half the time, you still won't ever shut up about him! He's always there, in between us, in your mind and on your tongue. Anyone would think you were fucking in love with him even though you know there's not a chance in hell he could ever fall for a sad old boring geezer like YOU!"_

_"JUST GIVE ME SOME SPACE!" I exploded, unable to take another word - and I knocked her to the ground. There was a crack. Then the loudest silence I'd ever been forced into. Not even Vince's sweet laughter could break through it to rescue me._

_"Precious…"_

She was gone. My Precious was dead.

Yet, she'd never really existed. It had all been a dream. A fantasy that had turned into the worst of nightmares. Me and Vince had tried to run. Tried to escape fate. But it was impossible. We crashed. We were sentenced to death by the dolls we'd created to separate ourselves from each other in the first place, forcing us back together, only to die.

Then we woke up. And now here I was, alive and well, sitting on a park bench and gazing out across the duck pond in good old Dalston's park. My friend also alive, healthy and buzzing as always, skipping off to go out partying again. Everything was back to normal. Therefore none of it had happened. At least that's what we were to believe.

It didn't matter to me whether it was all a hallucination. Something precious had died that night.

And in it's place, stood either two possibilities. Nothing. Or - something much more valuable. Something to be cherished and protected much more than what had been before. It was all depending on whether I was still prepared to keep on pushing it away when it was doing no good whatsoever.

_"Anyone would think you were fucking in love with him…"_

Oh dear.

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**Reviews = Love. Pretty please. *offers ice cream* **


	7. Awakenings II

**Oops! I'd completely forgotten about having to update the last part I've done so far on here. To be honest, when I started posting this on , I'd hoped that by the time I'd got around to posting this chapter that I'd written part 8....which, I haven't. So it might be a loooooong while until you get another update from me on here. I've already got enough people prodding me on LJ for the next chapter. And they have sharp nails! **

**Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far.**

**Disclaimer: In the words of Jim Trott (Vicar of Dibley); No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no - Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt own it. Not me.  
**

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That afternoon in the park had been genius - 'cause it meant I got to be with _him _again! And, for once in what felt like forever, we were together without any arguing or bitterness between us. Sure there'd been some awkwardness over the last year but that was fair enough. Especially after all that stuff on the island which was just one huge mind-fuck. Only the day before I'd been thankful that, after all that, we were still able to be in the same room as each other. Now I knew things were so much better than that.

Howard still liked me. That's right, baby! WOO!

I'd been surprised enough when he'd told me we were taking the rest of the 'day off' - I didn't think such a phrase existed in Howard's mind tank - to go to the park. Part of me had been a little worried that it was the calm before the storm where Howard would tell me, after softening me up, that he didn't wanna be my friend anymore and was going back to Leeds. A tactic I knew a lot of guys used when breaking up with an irritating girlfriend (or boyfriend). I could already hear my heart beginning to crack. No such thing had happened though. We'd sat in the sun, looking out onto a serene dunk pond, Howard had bought us ice cream (with fucking sprinkles and everything!) and we'd chatted. Like old times. Like back at the zoo.

For most of the past year I'd been taking tips out of _Cosmo _on the best ways to attract the man desired. Apparently guys weren't too fond of pushovers or clingy drooling idiots. So I'd tried to do my best to mature. I even began to read more. _Cosmo, Cheekbone, the Face_. That was all I could manage but it was a start. I acted more nonchalant (yeah it's a word, not a French girls name - who'd have thought it?) when trying to set up moments for me and Howard to be together. Such as inviting two lesbian Goths around and disguising it as an attempt for me to try and get in a 'gothic three-way', even though I'd invite Howard along. He remained as clueless as ever to every little attempt, even when I was laid out on the cushions of a far-off sweltering planet, trailing a peacock feather over my eye and leering at his near-naked sweating body - that had purely been at my request. Fuck, he'd been so gorgeous! But oh so oblivious (a word Naboo taught me). I'd nearly given up hope.

But that afternoon had been different. Howard seemed to have changed ever since we were rescued from that desert island and awoke from that coco-nightmare…supposing it was a nightmare. He hadn't snapped at me lately. And even if he did, his face would crumble into an apologetic smile as soon as he noticed me frown back. Part of me didn't like it. I didn't like how a lot of Howard's confidence and pride had been shrinking into himself in the past year. He seemed to be becoming…repressed and too easy. As _Cosmo _says, being a push-over isn't a turn on for a lot of guys. Even ones that got mistaken for being girls. Sometimes I blamed myself. Then I'd remember how egocentric-and-vain-Howard treated me a lot of the time. And I'd get confused.

I hadn't cared that afternoon though. Not when my head was resting on Howard's soft, warm, shoulder when he thought I was too sleepy to notice. Not when his hand was clutching mine ever so tight. He'd told me he appreciated the things I did for him. Too right he should…bless him. That afternoon I had felt more like a king with the world at my feet than I had done in that royal tent back on Xooberon. And when Howard didn't object to the two of us staying in together later that night, even though it meant me tossing aside all my social plans, just for us to spend the night with each other again, I couldn't wait to meet Leroy and outside the nearest pub and gush all my excitement and feelings out to him. How that night was gonna be the night I'd tell Howard about how I really felt about him. How he was bound to feel the same way. How it was destiny.

Which I had now finished telling him. Leroy was standing not far from me, finishing his cigarette, his face looking pained. As soon as his fag hit the ground, he started up immediately on me;

"For God's sake, Vince! If you could hear how pathetic you sound when you go on about Howard, you'd run a mile from him," he said. "You're embarrassing yourself."

I frowned; "What you on about?"

At first I thought he was just pissed off because I'd told him I wouldn't be able to go out and hang with the 'crowd'; Aston, Kyle, Hannah and the lot - including Leroy - who had all planned to celebrate my homecoming that night with a trail around the best Camden clubs. But there was something else in Leroy's tone that I just didn't like. Something more than spite. Mocking?

"Why don't you wake up and smell your straighteners burning?" Leroy said heatedly, "If you really believe Howard's ever gonna one day fall in love with you like magic then you need to tune into Reality FM, mate."

"What do you mean - like magic? Why couldn't he fall in love with me?" I asked through Howard-sized eyes.

"You've spent ten years being sweet as pie to him and now you're in the 'Friends Zone'. And that's where you're staying. From the looks of it, not a very comfy offer either." chortled Leroy, taking another swig of his beer.

My forehead crinkled, my body blazing up; "You dunno what you're talkin' about."

"So when you and Howard were stuck on that island together and you had him all to yourself; it was paradise, was it? Everything you'd always dreamed of? 'Cause that ain't what I heard."

"It was complicated, alright." I snapped defensively, "Anyway it weren't Howard's fault, we'd eaten these coconuts and they screwed us up, big time, gave us these weird dreams."

"The same dream that both of you had."

"It was just a coincidence! Or maybe it proves our connection, that we have some telek-…telepathetic…Thought-Link between us." I challenged.

Leroy suppressed a chuckle behind his grin, his cheeks being powdered by an invisible blusher pad. "Why are you wasting your time on someone like him who can't even bare to spend a month alone with you when you've got the Camden elite swooning at your silver boots? If you keep missing out like this, for Howard, they're gonna stop cheering and start jeering, mate. Some are already laughing for the way you make yourself out to be the king of cool and yet you hang around with the duke of dork! It's embarrassing."

"Shut up! You're just jealous, that's all."

"Jealous of Howard? You must be joking." A new, icy look swept over Leroy's usually content face.

"I didn't mean jealous of Howard. I meant jealous of me!" I began proudly, the alcohol from the flirtini I'd had in the pub now kicking in at long last and making me giddy; "'Cause I've got Howard. I've got the best mate a guy could ever have, whether he's in love with me or not, and that means more than all the gormless zombies you could number as friends. I've got a soul-mate, a rock to lean on, a blood-brother…!"

"Howard sold you over to a perverted hillbilly so he could go off and photograph some mythical creature. He knowingly left you to be bummed by that seedy old man so he could become famous, go off and leave you behind. Yeah, a lot of the people I go out with may be shallow, thoughtless zombies - but not one of them would ever sink as low as that to me! None of them would treat me, not like a best mate, but like a fucking whore!"

The pavement beneath my feet was long gone. I was like Bugs Bunny in that cartoon, standing frozen on thin air two metres away from a cliff's edge, waiting for gravity to get into gear. My brain-cell seemed to have gone bungee jumping, spinning out of control as the rope became tangled in on itself. I couldn't move. I couldn't blink. The hard, spiteful look on Leroy's face weakened as soon as he regarded the expression on my face. Weakened and melted into regret and something similar to the look he had on when he caught me in that toilet with that guy trying to sell me smack. But I'd floated out of myself from this point and was looking down through the world. I was flying and yet I couldn't give a toss. I could see Leroy's mouth babbling open and shut like a goldfish as he apologized but I couldn't hear a single word.

"…What did you say?" I whispered dumbly. Maybe if Leroy said it again then it would cross out the first time he said it. "This is a joke, yeah?"

"Oh shit," Leroy bit his lip, "You…you really didn't know that, did you?"

I stepped forward and shoved him backwards; "YOU LYIN' TWAT!" I shouted.

Leroy stayed quiet.

"Say you were lyin'." None of that had been true. Howard….he wouldn't do that. Not to me. It was just Leroy trying to stir up stuff. Or some mistake like Indian whispers.

"Vince, mate, just forget I said it," said Leroy. There was no mistake in the rush of his voice. "I was being a dick, I…it ain't true, I swear."

His voice drifted off into the amber air. Inside my head, my brain cell was putting in a video tape into a VCR and pressing play on the moment that had just gone. Leroy's words replayed over in my mind on an endless cycle. I was like a jigsaw being put back together only to be smashed by a toddler's fist all over again. What was it that convinced me Leroy had been speaking the truth? The steadiness in his voice in spite of his obvious anger and frustration? Or was it the dust-covered tool of logic being put to use at long last, piecing together the reason at last for why Howard had conveniently disappeared when Kodiak Jack made his move on me?

I whispered; "Howard sold me for a map?…How would you have known that?"

Leroy gulped, "…I came round to give back his light-blue trousers. You were out and he was sitting on the sofa with his head in his hands. Think he needed to get it out…so he told me everything…But he didn't say that you didn't know."

I could feel my stomach punching in on itself. My arms scrambled for a nearby wall to support me whilst my thoughts searched themselves to find something that made sense. Something that was solid and real in my life to cling onto.

Howard was my best mate.

Howard had sold me to a potential rapist.

Howard made me feel safe.

Howard had wanted to eat me.

Howard was a coward.

Howard saved my life. Howard had wanted me gone - by any means necessary. Howard. Howard. Howard. Howard. _HowardHowardHowardHowardHowardHowardHowardHoward - _Spiraling up and around me. Laughing at me. Mocking me. I should've worked it out long ago. But how could I when I've been looking at him through those sodding rainbow-tinted glasses for the last ten years?

"Why didn't he tell me?" I asked more to myself then to Leroy.

He still answered me, "I…guess he's ashamed. You weren't hurt after all, I think he thought it was best forgotten about."

But it wasn't forgotten about. I remembered then the nightmare I'd had the night we got home from the forest. A dream where Jack had come into my room and I was trapped beneath my fearfully heavy duvet and Howard wouldn't wake up to save me. Then I did wake up, drenched in sweat, with Howard sitting beside me. Looking at me so worried, like I'd never seen him before, his hand clutched on my shoulder. It was only a nightmare and yet he'd been so frantic about it. Asking me things. Had nothing at all happened? Did I need to talk about it? I'd never clicked. I'd just thought he was being a spazz. And I was enjoying the feel of his hand on my naked shoulder. I told him about the dream, about what happened in the cabin, all because I trusted Howard more than I trusted myself. I'd never make that mistake again.

"Vince. I'm so sorry. I honestly thought you already knew. You and Howard are always doing silly stuff to each other."

Silly stuff like teasing each other's musical tastes. Silly stuff like meaningless name-calling and annoying each other. Silly stuff like dressing your pompous mate up as a slave or a panda. Nothing like this. Never anything like…

"Vince-"

I pushed past him and stumbled then bolted down the road. And all the while, Leroy kept calling out my name. Vince. Vince. Vince Noir. An ice cream 'tached smile in a park on a sunny autumn day. But I didn't feel like that person anymore. Even if I had the same name, I could feel myself changing, being moulded into someone different. There was once Vince Noir who was naïve, trusting, forgiving and innocent. Then someone came along and shoved him hard off the gritty sand and onto the rocks, knocking the ice-cream out of his limp, lifeless hand.

* * *

I slammed the shop door of the Nabootique so forcefully that the Open/Close sign slapped against the glass in annoyance.

"Howard! Howard!"

"I'm upstairs!"

I stormed up the winded staircase. My head was ablaze with oven-heated thoughts. Howard was at the sink in the kitchen doing some washing up when I reached the top. He ran the tea-towel over his wet hands and turned to smile at me. His smile slinked away when he saw the look on my face. If fury was a ray gun, I'd've dissolved him to ash in a second.

"What's a matter? Why're you home so early, what's happened?" Howard started towards me.

"Did you do it?" My question came out like Tony the python's hisses. "About Kodiak Jack - did you do it?"

Howard gasped, then stared at me. The tea towel in his hands floated to the floor. I could see his tongue working in his mouth like he was trying to swallow but couldn't. I realized in that moment that Howard knew what I was asking him. Four words, "Did you do it?" and he knew exactly what I was talking about. The dial on my anger was turned up several more notches. I walked towards him until we were only an inch apart, face to face, eye to eye.

"Did you sell me to Kodiak Jack for a stupid map?"

What was the Northern pillock gonna do?

Laugh at me? Ignore me? Call me stupid - again?

"Tell me the truth," I ordered.

"Think it's pretty clear you already know it..." said Howard, stonily.

If he expected me to let it go with that then he really was mentally slow.

"Vince, listen-"

"DID YOU TRADE ME FOR A FUCKING MAP AND THEN WILLINGLY LEAVE ME ALONE WITH A FUCKING PERVERT?"

Silence. Then a nod.

_Oh God..._

Howard tried to take me into his arms, to pull me into a tight embrace. "Look…Little man, c'mere-"

I growled, pushing him back, hard. Then before either of us knew what was happening, I punched his face. The muffled pound echoed around the flat. Howard's hand flew up to cover his cheek. My knuckles were scolding. It was hard to say which one of us was more shocked.

I'd hit Howard.

That was so wrong. Even at the time I felt sick merely within the first few seconds that followed. We never hit each other, not me and Howard. Not like that. It wasn't what we did. It especially wasn't me. Never even come close. Never even thought about it. I turned and fled, my whole body crumpling into disgust and despair. I raced round the corner, along the corridor and into mine and Howard's room, hating my hand, hating myself.

But despising Howard more than anything.

After everything I'd been through with Hadley. All the time it had taken me to get over that when I was just a little kid. Howard had been there all the way through. He'd seen how much it had affected me. He'd been there to hold my hand when I woke up shaking and scared. He'd helped me through it. Then he'd done this to me. I sat on my bed against my window, knees drawn up to my chest and lolled my head against the wall. Why wasn't I crying? I should be crying. I should be bawling.

Howard had sold me like human livestock. Sold me to a pervert for a mere glimpse of fame.

"Vince, can I come in?"

I didn't answer. There was once a time when I'd've bounced up and opened the door for him myself like a besotted butler. I was never gonna answer to him ever again. The door handle turned and Howard came in, uninvited, even though it was his room too.

"Vince, please let me explain," He began, his tongue quivering.

"I don't wanna hear any of it." I couldn't even be arsed to meet his eyes.

"Vince, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it, I know, it was low. I regretted it as soon I was those yetis caught me-"

"In other words, as soon as your plan went tits up for you." I kicked in like the sharpest stiletto heel.

Howard didn't reply to that.

"D'you know how I found out?" I asked. "Leroy threw it at me whilst I was saying how great a friend you were to me. D'you know what that felt like, Howard?"

"I'm so sorry, little man."

"Why didn't you tell me? This whole year we've been doing all sorts of crazy stuff to each other and you had every moment to tell me."

"There was no 'perfect moment'. It wasn't the sort of thing I could just bring up at any moment. I thought it was best left forgotten. I didn't want you to be hurt."

"Like fuck, you didn't. If you gave two shits about whether I got hurt or not then you wouldn't have left me alone with him for a flimsy map in the first place. I thought you were my friend and you did that to me - how am I supposed to handle this?"

"Vince, let's just talk about this, yeah? I need to explain-"

I snapped my head around to him. "You're too late, Howard. I know now. Nothing you say can change what you did."

"No but I can have a go at making you understand me some more. If you want to give me a minute to try."

"Well, news flash, I don't. I've given up on that now. So leave me alone."

Howard wanted to argue, but I turned away from him to stare out of the window again. I heard him start towards the door. And then something else clicked into an ugly place.

"It's 'cause of Cree, weren't it? You hadn't forgiven me over what happened with the phone-calls." It all made sense now. Howard had swore revenge on me the moment he found out I was the reason he hadn't known about his sister's accident. He wanted me to hurt. He wanted me to end up broken and sobbing like he'd been when I'd found him that awful day.

Howard didn't reply. He didn't have to. I could read the answer painted as bright as neon on his face.

"Leroy was trying to tell me what an idiot I was making of myself being friends with you. I get what he means now. All this time in the last year I thought we were best mates-"

"We are," Howard was at my side faster than I could blink. "You know we are, Vince."

"No we're not. You hate me."

"I could never hate you," Howard said, aghast. "I wouldn't have stayed with you all this time if I'd hated you, would I?"

"That's just it though, ain't it." I shrugged. "You don't wanna be with me. Everywhere we go, you shove me out, tell me to get lost, draw a line between us or…try and eat me."

Howard's mouth gaped open, but he quickly regained his usual poise; "Vince. Listen to me, alright? What happened on that island…I'd gone insane for a fleeting moment; I hadn't eaten for days, I wasn't in control anymore. As soon as that coconut hit me, it knocked me back to my senses."

I shrugged again; "Whatever, Howard."

"And as for those other times…Yeah, you wind me up a lot with your jabbering and electro nonsense. And I need my space from you. It doesn't mean I hate you. As for Kodiak Jack, I…there's no excuse there, I know, but I was just so angry with you. Even when I kept telling myself you didn't know what you were doing or you were acting out of my best interests…at the end of the day, it was because of you that I didn't get to say goodbye to my baby sister. I wanted someone to blame…and you were the closest thing I had."

"So you thought me being raped by a hillbilly would teach me a lesson," I summed up.

We regarded each other, both of us very still, deathly quiet.

"What if your plan had worked?" I asked after the pause; "What if you'd got your precious photo and come back to find me having been nearly bummed to death?…Would you have liked me again?"

"I'd've killed myself if anything had happened to you. Christ, Vince, you dunno how relieved I was when I realised that you were ok. I guess a part of me knew you would, especially as you had your trusty straighteners on hand-"

"They just happened to be heated up to the max at the time. Spoilt your plans for revenge completely."

"Vince, I didn't _plan _for it to happen! At first I told him straight away no such scenario was gonna take place under my will, sir. It was only when he offered me the yeti picture…Cree used to love stories about yetis and fairies when she was little. It reminded me-"

"I get it, Howard, alright!"

I was on my feet now, unable to take another word and heading over to the door. I pushed past Howard and went out into the hallway and towards the staircase. The walls of this contempt-filled flat were closing in on me. My lungs were craving for the return of brisk night air whilst my ears cried for club music to be pumped into their drums. The Camden scene had become a proper drug in itself for me. I didn't need smack or coke or even coffee anymore to keep me buzzing. All I needed was to be out of this place. Away from the bitterness. Away from him.

Howard immediately followed me, occasionally trying to reach for me but every touch was met with me shrugging him off like a desperate tramp. Howard kept on talking to me as we walked down the stairs and into the shop.

"Vince, listen to me. I know you're angry with me but you need to listen. All that is in the past now, ok? I've forgiven you, honest. I don't want us to be like we were on that island. I want…"

"You drew the line. You said it was final."

I got out my phone in mid-stride and rang for Leroy, pressing the phone to my ear.

Howard tried again to spin me around to face him but I was having none of it.

"Vince, please…!" Howard tried to shout over me as I got connected to Leroy and began telling him where I'd meet up with him wherever he'd got to by then.

I opened the door and walked out onto the street without a single glance back.

Howard could've followed me. I could tell he had a lot more he wanted to say. To ease his conscious no doubt, the miserable coward. But he didn't follow. I carried on walking down the street, inwardly cursing at how I should've reapplied my make-up before leaving. Only when I rounded the nearest corner and heard Howard close the door to the shop, I let myself fall to my knees on the ground, mobile clutched in my fist.

I wanted to be sick. No. I wanted to cry. I wanted so badly to break down. But I couldn't. Vince Noir never cries. Not because he doesn't want to. Because he can't. He's cursed to a life of blind happiness. Well, happiness was all well and good. As for being blind…

That was the old Vince. The Vince who, if Howard said jump, would buy a pogo stick. The Vince who'd put up with being ordered about like a servant, made to work like a pit pony, or pushed aside at the first sight of a pretty female face waltzing into the scene. The Vince who made every attempt to get closer to Howard even though it meant him ending up further away then when he'd started. The Vince who still believed, after ten wasted years, that Howard was gonna keep him safe and protected.

Stupid Vince. Weak Vince. Hopeless Vince. Besotted Vince.

No more. All that would end tonight.

I'd called Leroy to say that I'd meet him at the The Queen Liz pub in ten minutes. Geezer was so wasted by now though, so he sounded on the phone, I doubted he even knew what time zone he was in, let alone what the little hands on his Rulax watch were pointing to. My stomach tugged at the thought of finding him slumped on a bar-stool, shot of tequila in his claw, barely conscious - yet finding enough energy to rip me to shreds and singing "I told you so." until he passed out. Thing was, I'd rather have put up with that a thousand times done over then spend another second with Howard T-fucking-J Moon.

"Ey, allo, darlin! Wha's a pretty young thing like you doin' around these parts at night?"

I got up to my feet, quick as I could at the first sound of the lary, seedy call ever so close to me. But by the time I'd only got to my silver heels, a hand had gripped my forearm and swung me around to be met with the revolting sight of a fifty-odd year old tramp in a what-didn't-smell-like-chocolate-smudged mac, cradling a can of Special Brew in his hands. A fuzzy dark beard surrounded an open mouth shamelessly drooling already. Beneath a cave of bushy grey eyebrows were two hazel eyes glinting with an all too familiar emotion.

My arm went numb beneath the vice-like grip on my arm. A forgotten and buried bruise started to burn beneath that thumb. So here I was again. What was it that always put me in this situation? Was there really just something wrong with me? I gulped, struggling backwards only to find myself pressed against another stupid wall. What did walls have against me?

"Get away from me!" I whimpered, wishing I could will myself to be stronger and feistier. But my confrontation with Howard had left me far too drained. I wasn't even sure if I cared what happened to me anymore.

The tramp closed in on me, chucking away his Special Brew and laying another hand on my shoulder. "C'mon, love, I was just tossed a fiver from a nice old girl on the high street. How about I spend it on giving us both a good time, ey?"

"Leave me alone!" I cried, gritting my teeth. Ok, maybe I did care what happened to me a little. I tried to push him back but, fuck, the old codger must have been a soldier once or something. I didn't have a chance.

"Oi, you! Get the hell off of him, you freak!"

The familiar voice was like Numan to my ears. The tramp released me and turned to who had just addressed him. A group of five colourful figures stood before him. I slumped back against the wall and rubbed my arms until they stopped tingling.

The tramp merely held out his scarred and blackened hand; "Got any change, little'ens?"

"Fuck off!" One of the lads wearing a feather boa - Aston - stepped forward and fired a beer bottle towards the old creep. It shattered at his dustin-bag shoes and he cringed before stumbling away into the night.

I bent over at the force of my heart now hammering against my chest. Something else to add to the smothering events of this night already like an emotional bean-bag.

"Vince! My god, are you alright?" Hannah, a short girl with iron-straight brown hair with a green feathered clip, sprinted over to me and put her hands on my arms to steady me. She looked up at me with her usual doe-eyed expression, only with a trace of worry this time; "Vince? Did he touch your hair?"

My hands flew up to my head; "Shit!…No, wait. He didn't. It's ok."

Both me and my crew let out a in unison sigh of relief.

Knowing my hair was safe and untouched, I looked up to my new-found group of friends; "Cheers for that guys. Talk about good timing."

"Hey! No one with that bad a dress sense lays a hand on the Prince of Camden, ain't that right?" Jacque spoke from his pair of non-existent lips on his cubed head.

They all grinned and nodded in loyal agreement. My cheeks began to flush, though fortunately in the inkiness of the night it wasn't visible. But just seeing the honesty and care in their eyes for my well-being made my insides fizz like cream soda.

"Prince of Camden? I didn't even know I'd been nominated," I chuckled lightly.

"You didn't need to be. Everyone voted for you by default, Noir." said Aston. "You just have a sort of….'Chosen One' quality about you."

So that wasn't just all in my head. It really was fate. I could remember asking Howard if he believed in such a thing. Though when I'd asked him it hadn't been so much to do with if I was meant to be a king of some tribe of surfs. I shook my head, cringing. _Don't think about him! Not like that. Never again!_

"What's a matter, Vince?" asked Hannah tentatively, laying a hand on Vince's arm.

"S'nothin…" He mumbled. "Just…my mate Howard…"

"Him again!" Aston's sister, Rachelle, groaned, "What's that paedophile done this time?"

"He's not a paedophile!" I snapped up, biting back my words that rushed to defend Howard even before I'd told my brain cell to allow them to.

Rachelle snorted; "Well there's something wrong with him. According to Niki, she went in your shop the other day to look for you and he started advancing on her, waving a pencil case with a fat guys face on it and speaking in some foreign language!"

I then remembered Howard having spun a tale about converting one of my Camden dollybirds over to the ingenious movement of jazz using the magic of scat singing. Finishing the story with a cover up of how he'd lost the number she'd given to him whilst he was throwing the bin bags out. I huffed, he really was unbelievable.

"Guy's clearly a nutter." Jacque tutted before turning to me; "Was he snapping at you again like a geography teacher?"

I shook my head, inwardly praying it had been that simple; "No…He just did something to me. Something 'orrible. I don't wanna talk about it."

There was a pause and a look between all the group.

"…You know what I also heard about your 'mate'," Rachelle begun tactlessly, "He murdered some girl years ago. Miranda something."

"I heard about that too! Her name was Miriam Pennysomething!" Hannah joined in, "He weren't charged though I don't-"

"Look, just shut up, all of you, please!" I cried, hands going up and over my ears.

I didn't wanna hear about Howard. I'd heard all the rumours a thousand times before about his so-called 'secret' past. And that's what I'd always dismissed them as before. Rumours. After all, I'd known Howard since Year Five. We'd pretty much spent every waking moment together since then and I'd've known if he was once a rent boy or murderer. Even if I had ever been away from Howard for a week at most, I knew he wasn't the sort of person to ever have done any of that.

Would I?

There seemed to be two Howard's now. There was the Howard I'd known for the most part of my life. The Howard who'd saved me from having my throat sliced in the school playground. The Howard who'd taken me ice skating and bought me slush puppies and strawberry bootlaces. The Howard who'd rescued me from my pervert teacher and carried me off to the colour and safety of the Zooniverse. The Howard who'd stopped me trembling with a newt with a mere soft whisper, taught me how to calm llamas and had sat up with me whenever I had a nightmare, making up silly songs or 'crimps' as we called them. The Howard who'd held me close just that very afternoon and made me feel warmer and snugglier than the sunlight ever could. The Howard who I looked up to, made me feel loved and protected, who I'd give anything to love and protect back. My Howard. My best friend.

Then there was the other one. The Howard who seemed to be emerging from the shadows like a creepy comic-book villain. All red-eyes glowing, teeth-gnashing and cape flying. I swear Howard would look good in a cape if he tried. But this Howard was the one had been there all along and I'd just refused to see him. This Howard was the one who couldn't bear to let me touch him. This Howard had almost killed me for making a careless mistake with a phone-call. This Howard had sold me like a cow for magic beans to a man no less perverted then the tramp I'd met minutes ago. This Howard had abandoned me to the cold and danger on many occasion. This Howard treated me like a servant. This Howard had tried to kill me a second time. Eat me. This Howard was a potential pervert, prossy, murderer and god-knows what else. I didn't know this Howard. And yet he'd always been there.

I could feel them both sitting on my shoulders, their big Northern arses to heavy for my bony little shoulders, perched like those angel and devil cartoons. I couldn't have one without the other. And 'the other' was something I wanted to be as physically far away from as possible. 'The other' made me feel weak, dumb, helpless and humiliated. All those emotions swarmed around me before fluttering away at the mere feel of a soft hand grabbing mine.

My eyes opened to see Hannah smiling before me, holding my hand in hers; "It's ok, Vince. Whatever he did, he ain't here anymore. You're with friends now."

Friends. Howard was my friend. Wasn't he?

"She's right, mate. You shouldn't waste your time on anyone who makes you feel like that," said Aston softly as if having read my mind, "A freak like him doesn't deserve to be around anyone as cool as you."

I smile back thankfully. I don't even feel any need to tell him off for calling Howard a freak.

"Hey, what's Kyle doing?" asked Rachelle, looking to the now missing member of our group who had scuttled off a while back.

I looked around to see the man in question stood in front the closed shutters of the window of the Nabootique. He was holding a can of what I doubted was beer and shaking it in his hands. Then he began spraying what looked even less like beer onto the metal.

"Hey, what're you doing!" I yelled, pulling myself away from Hannah and the others, darting back down the street towards the shop. "Don't do that, Howard's gonna go spare!"

Kyle grinned wryly to me; "Too right he will. Look, I've only done his name so far, now we just need something to go with it."

"Kyle, seriously, he will kill me!" I protested.

"C'mon, Vince, you always say about how he isn't your dad or owt! You're an adult, pal," Aston said, nudging Vince in the side, "You shouldn't have to worry about what that old loser thinks. Especially when he obviously doesn't give two figs about you."

"But…" I wanted to say they were wrong. I wanted to toss the can of spray paint out of his hand and tell them all to get lost. I wanted to run back upstairs to the flat and tell Howard I forgive him and we could be best friends again. Only I couldn't. Partly because I didn't want to be best friends with Howard anymore. Not like that.

Kyle held out the can for me to take; "Go on. He deserves it. And it'll make you feel so much better!"

I look from the can to the shutters to the window glowing alight up above me.

_"Think we're getting a bit too old for that, don't you?"_

_"D'you mind? I'm doing a poem for Mrs. Gideon!"_

_"Maybe I should knock yours back a bit!"_

_"I'm gonna go now 'cause you're getting on my nerves."_

_"No, I mean it. Don't EVER touch me!"_

_"Piss off!"_

_"You say another word about Tommy and you're on your own!"_

_"Never speak to me again in your life."_

_"It's about a genius who can't get anything done 'cause of a monkey who keeps annoying him."_

_"Haha! See you couldn't leave me could you? You tried to walk away and you couldn't even go."_

_"You evil, disgusting, stupid little...I will get you back for this, Vince, as God is my witness!"_

_"Me and Jack are just gonna have a little man-to-man talk..."_

_"No, no - he is the Chosen One. Goodbye!"_

_"I don't want one of yours!"_

_"Offer yourself up to me now, Vincy. Like a good boy…"_

Like a good boy. I'd show him a fucking good boy.

I snatched the can out of Kyle's hand and held it up to the metal.

That night, as soon as I've completed my latest work of art, I went out with Aston, Hannah and the others. We got the bus to Camden and hit all the best nightclubs. Unlike the first time I'd ventured out to enjoy the London nightlife with Leroy months before, we managed to stay away from all the dark and dingy cave-like clubs around, sticking to where the colours were most bright and all the dancers eyes bulged as soon as I swept into the room. Absence clearly did make the heart go stronger. I hadn't been in the clubbing scene for over a month and now they all seemed determined to never let me abandon them again.

That night; I laughed, drank and danced with people who wanted to be with me. People who wouldn't dare criticize anything about me from my hair to my Chelsea boots. People who genuinely grinned when I was around them and clawed their way to be at my side. Here, among my 'people', I wasn't a burden. I wasn't a simpleton or an embarrassment. I really was the Chosen One. Here, I was royalty.

_"How's my little Prince this morning then?" _

"What?" I swirled around and asked the blue haired girl behind me what she'd just called.

"I said, how do you keep your skin so perfect?" She called back over the sound of the music and the pulsing jumping crowds of people around us.

I swear that wasn't what she'd said. In fact I don't think she'd been the one to say it at all. The woman's voice had sounded a lot older. Warmer. Not fitting in a youth bubbling electro club.

That night, I get tons of offers from people of a spare room that needed a body to fill it. Even more offers of a bed to share, with them in it of course. I even get a text from Leroy asking if I'm alright and if he should keep the door unlocked for me to sleep on his sofa if I want. All the offers make my heart swell. So many cared. So many wanted me. So many loved me.

I don't take any of them up though. I end up going back to the shop and stumbling up the crooked staircase to the flat at half four in the morning. I go back there, not because I need him or anything 'cause of course I don't, but because it's my home. Mine. Naboo offered me the spare room first and I convinced him to let Howard come along and share it with me. I wasn't going to be evicted a second time just because of that old freak. When I reached the top of the stairs, I switched on the light to stop myself tripping over a lamp-stand or something.

The freak himself was slumped on the sofa, his head on the arm, snoring away loudly, still dressed in his hideous clothes as when I left him before. I managed to resist the annoying urge to place a pillow under his head and stroke his fine brown curls and press my lips against his. For a few minutes I stood there. Watching him like he was some rubbish street performer who did house calls. Even from a distance I could see the deep purple swelling beneath his eye. My hand twinged, guiltily.

Damnit, why should I have been the one feeling sorry? All I did was hit him and spray some fucking graffiti on the shutters. What he did was ten times worse. Why I wasn't rushing up and taking the chance to get in more blows was a mystery. I should've grabbed all his disgusting monstrosities that he called 'clothes' together and chucked them out of the window like some jilted girlfriend. I shouldn't have just stood there and thought about how sweet it was that he'd stayed up to wait for me…

_"This is difficult for me but, I feel as though I should say it…I love you, Vince."_

I bit my lip again and stomped off to the bedroom. I slammed the door and threw myself down onto my glittery duvet, grumbling into my shiny silver pillow while my face scrunched up, pounding it with my fists in between each curse; "I hate him! I hate him! I HATE him!"

Then my brain cell cut in, whilst taking a sip of his own Resolve; _You wish you did_.

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**As always, reviews are Love. x**


	8. Fragile

**I come bearing update. This is where some actual (albeit subtle) plot-development starts to happen. Yep, 8 chapters in :P Thank you to my reviewers so far. Please forgive any mistakes here as it's quarter to six in the morning and I am knackared. For some reason, I can only seem to write at night-time.  
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**Disclaimer: I don't own the Boosh. I don't own "Innocent Eyes" by Delta Goodrem and I don't own the Fox and the Hound (if you recognize the movie, I'm sure you'll care)**. **Is that all? Okay, enjoy the show.**

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The strange - and believe me when I say strange - tale of the Crack Fox had come to an end. Naboo and Bollo had been given a pardon from the Head Shaman to save their necks before me and Howard had even handed the Shaman Juice over to them. Before either of them bothered to thank us for risking our lives to save theirs, the inhuman gang had dived into their celebrations with, as expected, a night of 'avin it large'. They invited me and Howard to stay and join them (or at least, they invited me) but we were both pretty knackered by the day's events. In fact, I'd had a splitting headache ever since I'd woken up on the shop floor after I'd met that evil little bugger and it had been growing with each second. By the time our taxi pulled up outside the shop, I was convinced my head was ready to burst open all over Howard's already grimy bin-man outfit. Speaking of which, for all it's griminess, didn't look half bad. On Howard, that is.

Yeah. This is how hopeless I'd become. Put Howard in a uniform, ANY uniform, and my legs melted like cheese fondue. I hadn't seen him in a uniform since the zoo, though that was merely a green jacket that didn't really catch my eyes a lot. They were too focused on Howard's shagged-out-looking curls. I was tempted to believe those Jack Cooper rumours and accept them if it meant seeing Howard look that hot every day. Shit. I could make a love-struck teenager cringe. No wonder I constantly felt so weak and queasy lately.

It took every last seemingly dissolving grain of strength in me, during our silent taxi-ride back to the shop, not to take a single glance in Howard's direction. I kept my eyes fixed out the window, staring above the outline of the towering city buildings to drink in the tinge of pink seeping into the inky night sky as morning began to shift its arse into gear. A question of whether the colour mauve was invented by drop of it falling from the sky onto some artists pallet pops into my head and crawls onto my tongue, ready to leap. I keep my jaw shut tight. It had been so long since I'd purposely asked Howard one of those questions before. And, presides, I wasn't supposed to be _wanting _to talk to him like we used to anymore.

_You're supposed to be angry with him, remember?_

I know, I know… But he had come with me earlier when I needed him. Even after I lied to Naboo about him being the one to leave the bin-bags out the back which had cost him his job. Sure he'd put up this big front where for a few seconds I genuinely thought I'd pushed things too far and he wasn't coming back - but, of course, he did. And now everything was back to normal. Zippidy-fuckin'-doo-da.

When our taxi finally pulled up outside the shop, we found Howard's bin-men chaps waiting for him on the pavement, leaning against one of their great garbage-eater trucks. I shivered at the possibility of the truck being the same one that had crushed the Crack Fox earlier, and that the creepy crust's mangled body was still somewhere inside. Howard went to talk to his beefy mates whilst I was left to pay the taxi fair of around a hundred and fifty euros! I told Howard that we should've let him drop us off at the first tube station into the city. But no, apparently bin-men aren't allowed to travel on public transport, for 'sanitation reasons'. I did mention to him if that meant, by rights, I should get the taxi on my own to save me any risk of infection. He glared at me and we didn't speak for the rest of the trip.

Once the taxi had sped off to who-cares, I turned around to see Howard still guffawing and smiling with his 'street-brothers'. The attention seeker in me wanted to prance up to them and introduce myself with my usual flirtatious greetings and steal their focus away from Howard. But I didn't. Because, for once in a long time, a group of people were actually focused on _Howard_. And not in an "oh my god, look at the freakshow." kind of focus either. They laughed easily and cheerfully, without a speck of irony, at whatever jokes Howard was saying. And whatever they chuckled back would have Howard in hysterics as well. My stomach tightened as I shrunk myself back against the doorway of the shop, unnoticed. When was the last time I'd made Howard laugh like that?

That niggling fear began to return with a vengeance as the seconds ticked past and I began to worry whether when, or if, Howard did turn around, it would only be to inform me that he was leaving me to go off with his new friends. His 'real friends' as he'd called them earlier. The twist in my stomach had snapped and sparked into a fizzing internal wound and it took everything in me to keep myself straight as Howard eventually turned back around to me, waving to his mates as they climbed aboard their rubbish truck. I gave him a smile which he partly returned, though what seemed to be more out of habit then from the heart.

He stood in the doorway with me as we both watched the truck speed off, supposedly ready for it's early morning breakfast of ebony plastic with a filling last night's Chinese take-away. As it turned a corner, I decided it best to be the one to break the ice with an 'alls well that ends well' statement.

"Y'know what, Howard. I get what you mean now. I'm really starting to see the importance in large men with wide backs carrying big old bags of refuse." I lied convincingly.

Howard nodded; "You learnt an important lesson there, Vince."

Good morning, awkward pause.

"Are you gonna carry on working with them?" I asked, biting back any hesitation in my voice.

Howard inhaled through his nostrils; "…Nah. They stink."

Nodding understandably, I turned with Howard to venture back into the shop. Though we'd both turned quiet again, inside I was a rush of jumping jelly beans and Saturn zingers tingling through me, kicking away the growing acute weariness of the day and the spinning worry in my head. Howard was staying! For good! That was just…terrible?

Surely the whole point of how I'd been acting the past few months was to not-so-subtly nudge him to want to leave. We were clearly no good for each other, being together. There was no way I was gonna leave this place so all I could do was make Howard _want _to go away. And I'd succeeded. So…why the hell had I asked him to come back? Why had he come back?! After the things I'd done to him lately, no sane person would want to be in the same room with me after that. I'd humiliated him, betrayed him, sold him over…like he'd done to me. And I was still here as well. As Howard walked in front of me then, I eyed him, suspicion stirring. For a mere short time before this morning, Howard had been with people who genuinely liked him as a friend, who he belonged with - and yet he'd given it all up to come back here. Was he back because he _wanted _to be back? Or because, like me, he'd become too dependent on us to leave if he did want to?

The thought played around in my head for a few seconds. Then I sniggered aloud; "Ironic, really when you think about it, ain't it Howard?"

"What is?" He asked, turning round. Smirking cheekily and tossing my fringe back, I sauntered past him and over to the counter.

"Well, the only group of men in the world that could willingly accept you into their circle would have to be as sordid and creepy as you that not even you could stand to be around them." I joked, turning around with my hands on my cocked hips. "Now you know how all my mates feel when they come into this shop when I'm not around to save the day."

Howard's eyes flashed with warning; "If you're gonna start that again, then I'm going straight back out that door, sir!"

I frowned, my composure slipping for the smallest of moments, unable to resist noticing how quickly Howard's expression had changed from how it was when he'd been outside talking to his fellow John Merricks, with a simple teasing comment from me. Couldn't he take anything as a joke anymore? Was this how ridiculous he'd become? I cringed at the thought of having spend the rest of my life having to compete as a best friend to Howard's precious former work buddies. Having to compete with Gideon had been hard enough for all those years - and she'd never spoken more then four words to Howard except in passing or before wielding out the pepper spray.

So I decided to call his bluff, slipping back into my familiar bitchy boots; "Ha, alright, go on then. Let's see how long you can make this time last. Pushed it over two hours this time. Nice one."

"The only reason I'm back here is because you _pleaded _for my forgiveness. I was very happy with my renewed life as a bin-man amongst my brethren, I'll have you know." Howard turned his back on me with those last words, looking set to stomp back out the shop door.

"As if." I scoffed, before he could take his first step, "You looked like you couldn't wait for the nearest escape route when I found you. It's time you got those thoughts out of your head, Howard, that you could survive for more than two seconds in this world without me at your side."

"Excuse me?" Howard snapped around, "Who was the one who came running to me with his tail between his legs at the first sign of trouble?"

"…Dunno. Can't think of any of our friends who have tails."

"You, you imbecile!"

"I don't have a tail. That was a cape."

"No!" Howard looked set to burst like a packet of popcorn on the stove; "You're the one who's so dependent that you can't live without me - just accept it. You can't expect me to come back to this life if it means you're gonna keep taking me for granted!"

"_Me _taking _you_ for granted!" I had to stifle the mama of all tongue-in-cheek laughs; "I don't believe I'm hearing this…"

"Oh just get over yourself, you ungrateful little poof." Howard spat with venom in his words; "You admitted it earlier how much you need me, you were practically on you knees and begging for me to come back - it was borderline pathetic."

Each nasty word struck at my newly built invisible wall and began to widen the cracks that had begun breaking like brittle split-ends a while back. Deep down inside, I knew that I'd begun this argument - as I seemed to always do lately - and that guilt was the only reason I could grasp for why my shoulders were beginning to feel all the more heavier and my slightly stinging headache earlier was pounding into a full on migraine. My eyes scowled back at Howard mockingly, my mouth twisting cruelly upwards.

"I only went looking for you was so when I went to face that fox I'd have a large enough human shield to defend myself with."

Howard reeled back slightly, his eyes widening; "…You know what? I actually believe you there."

"You would, wouldn't you. Because you're too much of a cynical twat to see things for what they really are, instead of just what they appear to be." The more my body began to crumble, the more my spirit felt the need to bite and gnash at Howard. "You make out you're this great, tragic, misunderstood loner that everyone should pity or worship. Don't you ever stop to think that there might be an actual reason why no one likes you?"

"Enlighten me."

"It's because you're a wanker, Howard. Plain and simple. A selfish, pompous, stuck-up, vain, cowardly, spiteful, deluded, power-hungry moron! You don't care about anyone's pain in this world except for your own. If it's all cloudy and storms in the world of Howard TJ Moon then everyone else must have it better off! The rest of us all have to suffer your bitter, jealous insults and mockings just because we actually try for what we want in life instead of just sitting back and feeling sorry for ourselves, don't we?"

Howard's face had gone completely still, the glint in those chocolate brown eyes and the twitch of his arrogant grin revealing a trace of fear and hurt inside of him. A part of me wanted to stop - no! Most of me wanted to quit and leave the matter at that. Perhaps it was the sudden defeat and lack of a scoffing comeback that finally allowed me to spill my bleeding heart out in front of him at long last;

I could feel my knees buckling beneath me and I leaned a hand out to the counter to hold myself up and steady, standing up to my false god; "You know there was once a time when I actually believed that you cared about me. That I was your best friend and we'd stick together, no matter what. But it's all a lie, isn't it Howard? You don't care about me. Have you _ever _cared about me? And I don't mean just some vague concern out of some sort of dept or in return for me getting you out of trouble - I mean do you actually _realize _the pain you put me through each and every time you shake me off, tell me I'm stupid or useless or **abandon **me somewhere? For weeks now you've been making me feel like this big, bad villain for breaking a silly little record of yours or not putting you on the guest list of a party - even though you always moan how you HATE parties and socializing - when you've never done anything bad to me, have you, Howard? The things you've done to me would make most sane people run across the globe. All I do is give a bit back, let you know how you've made me feel all these years, grow some bloody back-bone - and now I'M the bad guy? What is the matter with you?! Did you _**honestly **_think that I'd just always put up with everything and eventually forgive you because I'm too fucking simple to hold a grudge for too long?

"And you say that I'm ungrateful - what have I got to be grateful to you FOR, Howard? You properly saved my life - ONCE - and you didn't even **_want _**to do that, you were willing to let me DIE until Lester said otherwise! The one time I actually believed you were my hero was just a case of 'good timing' and made me believe you were this great hero who would always look after me - Did you think I would always be that blind? Well, get this into your thick skull, Moon. I've grown up now! So get off your fucking pedestal and face up to the fact that I DON'T need you! That the reason I'm always with you ISN'T because you're some kind of sugar daddy who I need to take care of me! And if you wanna leave here then, fine, you're more then welcome to go - because I am TIRED, Howard! I am tired of waiting around like some fucking loyal puppy for you to really notice that I'm here! I'd do anything for you! Fuck it, I HAVE done everything for you - I've risked for my life for you over and over again and it's gotten me no where! No where but stuck here in this miserable pit with you, a paranoid geography teacher, trying and failing to make YOUR dreams real! I wanna have MY dreams come true, I wanna be the star I always wanted to be - not just your bloody dogsbody or 'side-kick' - 'cause that's all I'll ever be to you, isn't it? Well, fuck ya, Howard TJ Moon. I don't care what you do anymore. I hate you! I Hate You! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUI….!"

At some point during my tirade, I'm not quite sure when, I'd had to shut my eyes. Mainly so I didn't have to look at the winces in Howard's expression at each of my words. Yet, also to do with the blinding pain that was fogging up my mind to the point it was becoming difficult to see. It was if my tongue was flinging the words out of my mouth before my brain clogged them up and everything would be left unsaid. Now it was all out there. Every single word.

And all that was left; was silence.

Silence, mixed with the background noise of myself wheezing that followed the last of my savage screams, my lungs exhausted and my feet losing more feeling with each second. The silence was more on Howard's part. Howard, who was just stood stock still with his back to the door, staring at me. I steadied myself, gripping the counter again and opening my eyes.

What surprised me was how Howard's face wasn't half what I expected it to be. I thought he'd either be fuming at the….what's that word, insolence? Yeah, I'm going with insolence. The insolence of my words. That he'd be more then ready to pick me out on something that I'd said. Maybe because, as soon as the words were spoken, I realized that he could. On a few things anyway.

Vain…spiteful…deluded….

That was it. Yet it was enough for me to realize that maybe me and Howard weren't quite as 'chalk and cheese' as we appeared to be. Howard needed to have all these facts slapped in his face. It was the only way to make him truly see. And the only way to stop the acid burning away my insides. If not offended and defensive…then at least some acceptance. Some remorse. Some guilt.

No. None of that. He just looked…concerned. Almost, terrified.

"…V-Vince? What's wrong?" He asked, his feet arguing over whether to take a step forward or a step back.

"What?!" I hissed, angry that I seemed to have been denied a reaction to everything I'd just said. All because Howard had suddenly grown a lot taller then me. Wow, he was like a giant. In fact, everything in the shop suddenly seemed bigger.

Maybe it had something to do with the fact I'd fallen to my knees. Oh yeah. How did that happen?

I quickly grabbed the counter again, wiping a fresh sheen of sweat off my forehead and got to my trembling feet. I had to hold onto the green lit surface with both hands; "M'fine…Just fine." I grit my teeth, the hot spikes in my skull having turned into red hot daggers. I looked over to Howard; "You…you said you were going. Well, go on then. Leave…. It's what you're best at."

Howard opened his mouth, ready to argue back, his frown and fury making a come-back. It was short-lived though as his jaw closed shut and his fist clenched and shook at his side. I smirked, daring him to challenge me on that. Of course, he didn't. And he turned around to face the door. My teeth dug down into my lip.

My hands slipped from the counter.

"For the record," growled Howard, turning around in the threshold, "I didn't willingly leave last time, it was you who…Vince? VINCE!"

I opened the eyes that I didn't even realize were shut. Now everything was not just bigger but on it's side as well. Had someone tipped the earth up? No. I was on the floor. On my side with my legs tangled uncomfortably beneath me and my arms numb and floppy like a rag doll. I couldn't see much. Lots of little ink blots seemed to dance about in front of my eyes. When I tried to reach out to grab them my hands wouldn't respond to what my brain told them to do. I was helpless. So much for my fucking independence. I half laughed, half growled, half whimpered to myself. Howard was right.

Howard…

"Vince? Vince, what's the matter? Speak to me. Vince, please, you're scaring me! Get up!"

I could hear his voice. His soft, warm, smooth voice, slightly scratched and hitched with panic. Why couldn't I see him? Or maybe that was his outline in my distorted vision. He was sat down in front of me. He hadn't left me. After everything I'd said to him, after everything I'd _done _to him, he was still here. I partly hoped that I really was dying in that moment.

Before I felt, somewhere through my smoggy haze, a hand reach other to stroke through my hair. Then another, this time lightly rapping it's fingers against my cheek. Howard's hands. Holding my face. Trying to wake me up. His voice continuing to suspend in my mind at some distance. Trying to hook my slipping conscious and keep me with him.

No. No, I didn't wanna die. Not when Howard had so much to give…

"Vince_…Vince…!"_

* * *

**"_Do you remember,  
When you were seven,__  
And the only thing that you wanted to do,  
Was show your mum that you could play the piano?"_**

Dazzling sunlight bleared through my vision. It was different to the headache inducing strobe lights I'd grown used to over the past several months though. There was no dried ice smoke smothering me or fourteen-going-on-eighteen year old Camden floozies groping at my chest. Above me hung a clear minimalist sky pierced only with a white-gold sun perched high above. I looked up to see that I was on a hilltop of an endless, emerald field of long, soft grass cushioning my backside. If I had that puppy with me, the one that Howard had refused to let me buy a few years back, I'd call him Toto and be telling him that I didn't think we were in Dalston anymore.

Not that I'd ever really left Shoreditch before, but I'm pretty certain there were no places like this around anywhere in London. At least none with a sky as clear as the one above me with not a single wisp of a white candy floss cloud to taint it. Daisies, roses, hyacinths and violets bloomed from beneath the grass, all dancing in and out of each other, not giving a stuff for how their colours clashed or how different they were from their neighbours. Their scents rose and swirled together, mixing to create a strange perfume that brought back memories of long, soft, yellow hair falling down onto a warm, nurturing chest. Why did everything about this place seem so familiar if I'd never been here before?

I suddenly felt a strange urge to paint this gorgeous landscape stretching out in front of me. To use some of Naboo's magic paint supplies and even capture the ever-changing colour of the flowers in the grass. How long had it been since I last painted anything? I wasn't even sure if I still had my easel. Some of my old paintings from the zoo were hung up around my bed amidst the posters of my electro and rock idols. That was it! The zoo. I hadn't painted properly since the zoo. Since I'd agreed to paint that portrait of Howard…and had failed. I sighed heavily, flopping my head back down on the grass. I'd never painted again after that day, once I'd finished Naboo's portrait - and that was only to pay him back for those Kangeroo videos. That B-Tech National was sure worth the exam effort.

**"_I miss those ways,__  
I miss those days,__  
When I got lost in fantasy,  
__In a cartoon land of mystery.  
In a place you won't grow old,  
In a place you won't feel cold…"_**

The angelic, clearly feminine voice wafting around me was almost as cosy as the rose-petals brushing against my cheek and hands. My headache, stomach ache and overall weakness seemed to have vanish as well. I wish I came to this place more often whenever I dreamt. Not that my usual dreams were a torture, to an extent. Dreams of being held in a pair of strong, manly arms and kisses followed by the tickle of a mustache before a passionate tongue danced with my own. Dreams that would have me waking up in a damp sweat and having to pass off my visible excitement to myself as just morning wood. Dreams that would eventually have me tossing and turning with frustration as I lay in bed awake when it was too early to get out of bed and having to accept that dreaming was the furthest I would ever come to having my wishes come true.

It was relief to be somewhere different for a change. To get a switch of scenery and to escape him for once. I'm not sure what it was specifically about this place, yet it seemed to sing 'comfort'. For me, once upon a time, comfort meant being able to snuggle up on the sofa, watching Colobus the Crab, curled up with my head on Howard's shoulder. Or anything that involved just being able to be allowed that close to share in Howard's body heat. It was amazing how anyone with such a cold and bitter heart could be so warm and toasty on the outside. Those days were long gone now. Even if Howard didn't mind me so much resting my head on his shoulder, to be that close to his chest…his heartbeat, would send me into a panic attack.

Then it hit me. It wasn't just Howard anymore who was keeping the distance between us. Ok, he was still as much a sociopath as ever. A lot more so in fact. But it wasn't just his silly 'no touch' rule that was keeping a distance between us. I was helping a lot as well. And, the problem was, I wasn't quite sure of the reason why. At first I told myself that it was because I shouldn't want to be anywhere near him. Not after the way he'd treated me and taken me for granted. I should be repulsed by him. But how could I? He's…Howard. My Howard. As creepy as he can make those shifty eyes of his sometimes, they're still the deepest and most gorgeous pair of eyes I've ever locked my own with. And it was now getting to the point where I thought if I stared at them for too long then I'd shatter. So I looked away. I couldn't risk making myself anymore vulnerable.

I'm a cockney bitch, born and bred. That's what I told the world so I had to prove it to them as well. People used to laugh _at _me. Call me a freak, a faggot, a wimp. I could never go back to that. Not if it meant I had no one to catch me when I fell from my throne.

**"_Do you remember,  
When you were fifteen,  
And the kids at school  
Called you a fool_'_  
Cause you took the chance to dream?"_**

Ugh. Where did dreaming ever get me anywhere? I was dreaming at this moment and yet I wasn't moving. Just lying on a field, in the middle of nowhere, lounging in a fresh bed of flowers and grass, listening to the sun sing out it's melody above me in that heavenly voice. Typical that the sun would be a serenading belle whist the moon in our world is a milky-white tone deaf retard.

"She's beautiful. Isn't she, child?"

I shrugged to myself; "Sort of…Howard says that the sun is just a big ball of gas burning away in space until it eventually implodes and swallows us all."

As he explained in his typical all-knowing teachers voice, once when we worked at the zoo, leaving myself and several visiting curious school children completely horrified.

"Even the most chaotic and angry of bodies can have a well-meaning core in them somewhere."

The voice came from somewhere above and behind me. Strong, gravily, authoritive and yet oddly calming. Almost like the voice of a tribal leader or chief, perhaps after a few too many blows of his sacred pipe. I'm sure I knew that voice.

"Brian?" I sat upright, turning my head and onto my palms.

Behind my head lay a chocolate brown lab on his front, his legs curled up comfortably beneath him and his face fixed on me. The dog's eyes, however, where a shimmering sea-blue that made my own peepers jealous. They weren't no mutts eyes. They were my Brian's. My Brian Ferry. Without even suspecting that I may have heard the voice from anything else, I knelt forward and hugged him around his furry neck.

The sun started to heat up on my back, my arms clinging around the dog's neck and letting him kiss me with his long, wet, tongue lovingly. I sighed, hugging him tighter; "Brian…"

"I thought you'd forgotten me, Vince." He whispered, sounding a hundred-percent Not Dog.

I pulled back, still grasping two fistfuls of fur; "What? No. How could I?"

"You've forgotten her."

Brian nodded his nose up to the sun. I turned and tried to look up but had to shield my eyes. The sun in this weird place was way brighter then the one in our world. I made a mental note to remember to bring sunglasses into my dream next time. The burning star continued to sing in it's diva style.

"Who is she?" I asked, wishing for the light to dim, only a tad.

"If you forget what it means to be loved then you'll forget who you are. If you forget who you are, how do you expect others to get to know you?"

I turned back to him; "You've got it wrong, Brian. I'm the sunshine kid, yeah, I let everyone in. Howard's the one who pushes people away."

"Is he really, Vince?" The labrador raised his eyebrow. Which is pretty cool, considering he had none.

"Don't do that, Brian. You sound like Howard's favourite super-sized baby-bel."

"You shouldn't be so quick to pass off criticism as an insult. Sometimes we just have problems telling the people we love that we really do care. We tell ourselves we have to be cruel to be kind."

"That makes no sense at all."

"Well it wouldn't do to you, Vince." Brian chuckled, nudging me with his damp nose. "Kindness is merely kindness and it's an instinct to you. It is one of your gifts; not something that you should be ashamed of or cast off as weakness. Others aren't so lucky. They've been plagued by misfortunes and failure for the most of their lives to the point they lose faith in the kindness of others."

I frowned, pondering this; "But I've always been kind to Howard. Kinder then anyone else would be. I'm the only bloke who doesn't douse himself in petrol when he starts to harp on about Miles soddin' Davis."

"No…you just break his Miles Davis record instead."

**"_Don't let me see mistakes and lines,  
Let me keep my faith in innocent eyes."_**

My hands dropped from Brian's neck. It seemed I'd be never be allowed to forget that stupid afternoon. Howard's pleading, tormented face still haunted me to this day. And yet, if anything, that was what pushed me on further to bite that record. More so than my punk mates jeering me on. The fact that Howard was so protective and concerned over a silly piece of vinyl. More so then he'd ever been protective or concerned about me.

"I…I don't think it was Miles Davis." I defended myself, looking down through my fringe.

"S'not the point though, is it, Vince."

Of course, I knew it wasn't. And for all my big talk earlier about putting up a front to show Howard I wasn't going to be pushed around anymore, to then give into the peer pressure of a load of Sex Pistol mentalists, made me feel even more useless. Howard was still my best friend. God knows why, but he was. He must've been, or else I wouldn't have felt so torn about breaking that record in that moment, and breaking my friend's heart. I knew how much he loved jazz. It didn't matter if he loved it more than he loved me, I still felt terrible…because I still loved him.

"Alright, well, before then. I did everything for him. No matter how ungrateful or snappy he was in return. No matter how often he patronized me, let me down or embarrassed me, I put with it all because…" I hesitated, actually listening to the words I was spouting for once. Thinking on them. Remembering.

"Because?" Pressed Brian, nudging me with his nose again.

"…Because, that way…I still had my best friend."

I looked up to see Brian smiling at me. With his eyes, of course, dogs don't have proper lips. Could you imagine what a nightmare it would be to apply lip-gloss with all that fur around?

"I've just made things worse, haven't I?" I sighed, defeated. "I don't want us to be like this. Even if it means going back to how we were at the zoo and Howard always pushing me aside…at least it would be better then having him hate me." I looked to the dog beside me; "Cheers Brian. You always did help me sort my head out."

I gave him a scratch behind the ears, in the spot that always made him grizzle with pleasure. I lay down in the grass beside him, settling my head back amongst the flowers. Everyone knows that if you want to wake up from an all-too lucid dream then the best way to do it is to fall asleep. And I wanted to wake up now and go home.

The sun had finished singing but was still humming away absent-mindedly to herself. Brian rested one paw onto my hair.

"Anytime." He said, licking my earlobe. "Take care, child."

"I will." I said, snuffling down. I then quickly opened my eyes - in my sleep - one last time to look up at the dog; "Hey, Brian, did you get a chance to listen to that cassette I gave you?"

"Er, time to wake up now, Vincent. Wake up!" Brian began whacking me with his paw. "Wake up! Wake up…"

* * *

The grass disappeared beneath me. The sun's singing was a memory. The hand that was still slapping me was a lot less furry and a lot more irritating.

"Wake up! Wake up!" A lisped voice cut through my awakening confusion.

"It been half hour. That no work." A recognizable grunt followed.

"It's the second-best cure for magically induced comas. Medically tested." Naboo continued slapping me around the face. "Wake up! Wake up!"

I blinked open my eyes to see the ape and the shaman standing around me, wearing the same white doctors cloaks that they'd wore when they had to insert that submarine with Howard and Lester into my blood system. As much as the cloaks suited them, I really failed to see how they were completely necessary. Not to mention why Naboo was still slapping me!

"Wha? Er, gerroffme, Ali Baba, I'm awake already!" I stirred, flapping Naboo's robed wrist away from me and sitting up on my elbows. As soon as I spoke, I felt the uncomfortable thickness in my throat and in my forehead and heard how nasal my voice suddenly sounded.

"See, Bollo, told you." At least Naboo was happy.

With a grunt, Bollo handed him a note for five euros before crouching down beside the sofa arm, holding a wet flannel to my burning forehead. Naboo stuffed the note in his cloak pocket and grabbed together a few of his potion jars that were laid out on the coffee table for whatever reason and carried them back to his bedroom.

Groaning heavily, all the pain and nausea before my passing out having returned ten-fold, I pushed myself up and onto my elbows. I quickly noticed that I was now lying flat out on the sofa, tucked under the matted patchwork throe I'd woven in Textiles class over a decade ago which Howard had once pet-named as 'the Skiving Blanket' - and, to my biggest shock, that I was now dressed in my favourite pair of purple pjs. Adding this to the fact I'd been unconscious, I eventually worked out that it meant…someone must have changed me while I was out of it.

The immediate assumption of it being Howard sent shivers down my spine. He had been at my side when I'd fainted. I tried to remember, tearing through the veil of my dreams, being carried up the stairs by Howard's strong, caring arms like I was some damsel escaped from a 50's romance flick and he was my knight in a bin-man outfit. Then having him take off my clothes, seeing my body so vulnerable. Naked. My lungs were having trouble pumping the air through my system.

I should've felt violated. Sickened to have that jazzy creep's hands dressing me. So why was I having to hide my arousal from the ape playing nursemaid at my side?

"What happened?" I asked, hoping that any blushing could be passed off as flushed from fever.

Bollo continued to pad my forehead with the cloth; "Precious Vince fainted. Make Harold start panicking and screaming for Naboo. Luckily we arrive back from Shaman party in time - and a little bit sobar. We think you having some sort of fit. Bollo carry Vince up onto sofa. You been out for long time. Missed Hill Street Blues re-run."

"What? No way, I was lookin' forward to-!…Wait, you carried me up the stairs?"

Bollo nodded proudly.

"Oh…Thanks Bollo." I forced a smile, in spite of my heart slumping with disappointment.

Gratefully, I gave him a quick hug. Once my face was buried in his fur, I let my smile drop. The teeny tiny spark of hope that had been twirling away in my chest before had now dropped, dejected, to the pit of my stomach. I didn't bother asking if it was also Bollo who'd changed me into my pajamas. Even if it was him, or even Naboo, at least I could live in ignorance that there's a chance it could've been Howard. Which was better than nothing.

Naboo then emerged from his bedroom, lab coat swamping him and dragging along the floor behind him, carrying two little dishes filled with sticky looking red liquid in his hands. I disentangled myself from Bollo's ape-hug and sat back amongst my pillow.

"What you got there, Naboolio? You makin' jam sandwiches?" I ask, letting Bollo's fingers massage the sides of my head soothingly.

"No. This is your blood. We had to get some out of you earlier to test it." Naboo answered, dryly, squaring his eyes carefully at the little pallets.

I did kinda guess that it was blood. No harm in guessing that I might be wrong to avoid feeling sick. Which I now did, knowing that Naboo must have stuck that bloody needle in my arm again. What was I, a voodoo doll? Naboo, meanwhile, seemed to be getting more into the role of 'doctor' than I felt comfortable with, making worrying sounds of 'mmms' and 'oooohs' as he stared down at my body's red juices.

"All I did was faint." I squeaked, my voice going higher then I'd ever normally let it; "It was a hard day, you know I'm not used to exercise."

Naboo turned around; "That's kind of problem, Vince."

"Problem?" My body started to heat up again. Bollo kept a firm grip on my shoulders.

"Turns out you managed to catch a type of urban virus from the fox." explained Naboo. "Probably when it farted in your face. That fuzzy nut job was riddled with diseases, Vince, what were you thinking letting it in the house?"

"Oh…you know that was me then." I said bashfully, petting out my blanket. "'E was all alone, Naboo. 'E'd obviously been given a hard time and had been thrown out on the streets, in the cold like that, starving to death. Couldn't just leave 'im out there…Wait, what d'you mean 'virus', is it serious? Fuck, am I gonna die?!" I jumped, shit scared.

Naboo quickly shook his head; "No, you plum, you'll be fine. It's just a kind of mutated flu, attacks your immune system but nothing too serious. And yours still hasn't fully recovered from the jazz cell. All the drinking and late nights after that didn't really help to heal the damage. You just need to stay in for a week or two, don't do anything that could get to your immune system anymore then it has."

"Vince need lots of TLC." said Bollo, rubbing my shoulders.

I shivered again; "Ugh, I hate that stuff! It burns like acid on your mouth ulcers."

"That TCP."

"Oh yeah…So that's it then? I've just got the lurgy?"

"Sort of." Naboo answered; "You'll get a bit feverish now and then but nothing major. Unless you've got anything else to tell me."

I half-opened my mouth. The dream? Did I need to tell him about the dream? It had been completely harmless. In fact, it had been one of the most beautiful and peaceful dreams I'd had in so long. Too peaceful, maybe. Part of me would've been happy to lay in that field with Brian licking my face and the gorgeous sun singing down to me for the rest of my life. It had all felt so real. But it hadn't been dangerous or anything. So what was the point in telling Naboo?

"Uhm, no. Nothin'…." I answered, shifting my legs under the blanket to get comfier. "Where's Howard now?"

The twosome simply shrugged. I rolled my eyes, flopping back onto the pillow.

Useless, the pair of them.

* * *

For the rest of the day, I was bound to the sofa. At one point, almost literally, when I kept trying to get up to get some malteasers from the cupboard and Naboo threatened to have Bollo tie me to bed with some rope. Why Bollo has rope in his bedroom, I don't know and I don't think I want to know either. As for food, I'm given nothing except healthy, hearty chicken soup. Staring into the creamy bowel for too long always made me a bit depressed lately so I slurped it down as quick as possible. Bollo stayed at my side all day, sitting in his own musty armchair, knitting a scarf that I guessed would be either for me or Naboo.

I used to knit. A lot. Especially back at the zoo when me and Howard had hardly any money to afford decent clothes. Yeah, I know, typical wife and domestic situation. Snuggling back into the sofa, I wondered whether Howard still had any of the old jumpers and scarf's I used to make for him. Of course, even back then, they were never the sort of things Howard would wear. I'd always knit using the most varied range of the brightest colours. I'd always notice Howard's nose wrinkle in disgust whenever I gave them to him. Yet, he'd always wear them. And whenever he thanked me, it did always seem at least half-genuine. Of course, then we started to earn more and could afford proper clothes, which perhaps I was more thankful for as walking around in woollen jumpers weren't gonna get me in Dazed & Confused.

Maybe it wouldn't hurt to go back to knitting a few hats and scarves for the coming winter. Plus I've got loads of badges now to customise them with! I'd forgotten how much I missed those nights back at the Zooniverse huts, during night shifts or lunch break, with me and Howard sat on the sofa together, me leaning against his shoulder whilst he watched some history channel programme and I knitted him a pair of red gloves with bright green fingertips…

It doesn't take long for the over-tiredness and weakness to collapse in on me again and I start to fall asleep. Bollo changes the channel for me and a kids film that I haven't watched since I was really little is being shown. I try and keep my eyes open, not for the movie (though it is pretty genius). Downstairs I can hear Howard working away inside the shop. I keep waiting for him to come up the stairs, even for a brief moment, but it never happens. I can hear him mulling around, fiddling with every little knick knack and tilting it so it faces the right way. Occasionally I hear him scatting to himself and it's no wonder I don't hear the bell ring all day for a customer. Then, after that, he goes silent. And I know what he's doing - and what he's thinking about as he's doing it.

Why did I have to say those words? Or at least why did I have to say them during the middle of a health crisis? I turned on my side, hiding my face from Bollo's view and nuzzling my face into the pillow. Fuck it, I'd wanted to say those things to Howard for oh so long. That and so much more. I allowed myself a small sigh of relief as I hadn't revealed all too much to him. I scanned my mind back through my rant to see if I may have given anything away…

"_I am tired of waiting around like some fucking loyal puppy for you to really notice that I - am- here!"_

I gulped, hugging the blanket close to my chest and coughing back some phlegm in my throat. Hopefully he hadn't read too much into that. No, of course he hadn't. This is Howard we're talking about here. He probably just took that to mean that I'm a little attention seeker and must have all focus pointed on me at all times. Which is true, to some degree, but it isn't want I meant. It's not enough to have Howard simply acknowledge that I exist. It's for me to know that he _cares _that I exist.

Sighing, I suddenly remembered the concern etched into his face when I'd fallen to my knees. The hurt and…guilt flashing in his eyes as I'd screamed and raved at him about all his faults. Then my mind flashed back to that day when I broke his record. The day that I almost died. How only a couple of hours after I'd destroyed Howard's prize possession, I was nearly done for, and the only one who could get through to me as I was trapped in a haze of evil jazz and scat-speak - was Howard. Howard at my side. Howard telling me not to panic and promising that I'd be alright. Howard going inside me to fight my demons and save my life like I'd saved him so many times before. Then, after all the chaos was over, lying on the counter and staring at Howard - my **hero**, Howard - in that tight-fitting wetsuit, showing off everything he had to offer. Then, only a week later, when I'd come in acting as if the world was set to end all thanks to some git of a copycat - and Howard had assumed I was dying. How he gripped my shoulder, held my hand and promised that no matter what happened, he'd be there for me. All the way. Me and him.

Then those horrible words I'd spoken came stampeding back through my perfect thoughts of friendship and peace and bliss. I'd dared to ask Howard whether he ever really did care for me when I already knew that he'd done all that for me. Ok, his recent bouts of actual Man of Action-ness were very…well, recent, after years of being all the things I'd called him earlier. But maybe he was changing. I mean, he was being this nice to me now, in spite of me being a bitch back to him. Was that why he was being like this? Was he finally beginning to get scared and realize that he couldn't keep expecting me to just stay around forever and put up with it all? If he hadn't, then he really was more naïve then I was.

Eventually my eyelids fluttered close. I didn't sink back to the dream world I entered before though. In fact, I didn't ever really fall completely asleep. For god-knows-how long, I laid there tossing and turning, not quite awake and not quite napping. The sounds from the T.V crept into my head and dared to mix with all my private thoughts and worries about me and Howard. Moaning, I tried to think back to our early days together, before any of this crap started. The memories of us together as kids, or at least when I was a kid and Howard whatever age, laughing together and rolling around like a pair of idiots on the grass, seemed so blurry and distant. I tried to reach out for them but they just skipped further away and I started to mew sadly in my sleep, the faint sound of what we may or may not have said humming through my mind.

"_H'ward? You're my very best friend."_

"_And you're mine too, Vince."_

"_And we'll always be friends forever. Won't we?"_

"_Yeah, forever…"_

"Forever…" I mumbled, dragging myself out of my delirious thoughts. The memory seemed too blissful, to perfect and innocent, to be true. Opening my eyes to look at the telly screen, I saw that it was too good to be true. The dialogue from the cheesy kids movie about two unlikely best friends together against all odds had mixed in with my confuzzled memories. Huffing, I picked up the remote from the arm of the sofa and switched off the T.V, the cartoon fox and dog flashing away to nothing.

Squinting across the room, I noticed Bollo remained slumped in his chair, now fast asleep and snoring aloud. Glancing up to the clock, I noticed it was nearing half-eleven at night. 'Couldn't believe I'd slept through most of the day. My fists rubbed the sleep-sand out of my eyes. Typical that I'd only properly fallen asleep long enough to miss Howard come upstairs. Maybe…I froze. Maybe that explained the feel of a warm, large hand on my face earlier. I swore to myself that wasn't me hallucinating again. And the hand was too big to have been Naboo's. And too smooth to have been Bollo's. I smiled. No wonder I felt a little bit better.

"…H'ward?" I stirred, rolling onto my side. "…Howard?" I called out louder, my voice strained.

No reply. I guessed that he'd gone to bed. Tugging the blanket around me like a cocoon, the same way I'd done earlier with Naboo's brilliant cape, I wearily got to my feet and shuffled past the dozing gorilla and down the hallway. As I got to the door, I managed to catch a whiff of Naboo's favourite past time, floating through the door. It made me want to gag. I opened the door to mine and Howard's bedroom. Poking my head inside, I noticed his paisley bed was still perfectly made.

A draft from above made me shudder and wrap the throe around me tighter. I looked up and saw the possible reason for why I couldn't find Howard indoors. 'Cause he wasn't.

I suddenly gasped. _Oh no! Please say he hasn't jumped…!_

Stumbling forward at the horrific thought, I steadied myself on the step-ladder Howard had got out - which I also should've really noticed for a clue as to where he'd gone - and began to climb up to the open skylight in our ceiling. Lifting myself up and at the same making sure my blanket didn't fall off me was a right struggle. I turned my head to the side once it poked through the hole to spot Howard sat against the chimney (sadly, no longer in his binman outfit) staring out into the distance, before turning his head to me as I popped up.

"Hi." I said, nervously. For a dozen reasons.

"Vince? What you doin' out here, it's way too cold, you're meant to stay inside." He didn't look angry. Only the same as he did before, in the last moments I'd seen him. Concerned, fretting.

"It's not that bad, Howard. Anyway, I need some fresh air. The weed fumes in that flat aren't exactly clinical. Now help me up will you before I keel over and break my neck." Standing dangerously on the highest step of the ladder, I reached out my arms like a small child wanting to be picked up.

Howard shuffled towards me and reached down to place his hands under my armpits. I clung to him while at the same time pushing myself upwards so we both didn't tumble downwards. Luckily, Howard was a lot stronger then he gave himself credit for, and managed to lift me up and sit me next to him on the ledge. He noticed my blanket slipping and pulled it up and around me.

"There. Y'kay?" He asked, patting my arm.

I nodded, wrapping the blanket tighter around myself. "M'fine, cheers. Anyway, forget what I'm doing up here, what are you doin' up here?"

Howard shrugged; "Thinking."

"Uh-oh. Should I dial '91' for the moment, just to be safe." I dared to chide, gently.

"No. Because our emergency number isn't 911, for starters. Anyway, you gave me a lot to think about before." He said, meaningfully.

I stared at him, stunned that he'd actually taken in what I'd said for once. Maybe he did take in a lot more then I thought; "…Look, Howard…what I said. Don't pay any attention to me, yeah? I'm just a bitch, aren't I. I'll say anything to get at ya when we're having one of our rows. And Naboo said this disease thing I've got makes me a bit a feverish so most of it was only a hissy fit really. I didn't mean any…well. Ok, I meant most of it, I'll admit. But I don't hate you, Howard, honest I don't."

I shuffled up closer to him, moving my hand out to rub at his back and give him my best pair of sorry puppy-dog eyes. Howard turned to me and smiled, patting my knee this time.

"I know that, little man."

My heart gave off a tingle. I remembered how he'd called me that yesterday. For the first time in so many months. If it hadn't been to chastise me at the time then I might've spasmed over shamefully like a proper love-struck bimbo in front of him, even in my new cape.

"And I can't really get away with calling you a coward, can I?" I continued, having munched on enough humble pie for the day. "I mean I know it took a lot of guts for you to go…inside me that time and fight the jazz beast. I really did appreciate it…And I don't blame you for not wanting to at first either."

"Vince, listen," Howard sighed, looking at me earnestly; "The reason I weren't sure about doing the mission at first had nothing to do with me not wanting to save you, alright? It's 'cause…I was scared-"

"I kinda figured that out."

"No. I mean, I was scared because I'd never done anything like that before. I mean you're always the one getting us out of near-death situations and saving us from immanent danger - because you're good at it. Whereas, me? I just fail at everything, don't I. It's the only thing I'm good at. So when Naboo said I was the only one who could go inside and saved you, I panicked because I knew I was certain to fail and…" Howard looked down at his shoes; "I didn't wanna let you down. I didn't wanna lose you. So I thought it was best anyone else doing it. Anyone except a useless lump like me."

I stared at the bigger man beside me. A big man who suddenly looked so small, like a kicked baby gorilla. My chest tightened for him. When did he lose so much confidence in himself? My Howard back at the zoo would've never have doubted himself like that. Oh, shit…was this my fault? Had I done this to him? Should I have maybe worked on letting Howard try and be the hero and give him some confidence instead of just trying to be some loyal, carefree servant? The dejected look in his once smug, superior, sexy face was heartbreaking.

"Howard…" I whispered, reaching my hand up and tucking a loose curl behind his ear; "You did prove that you could save me. I'm still here, ain't I? Living proof. I know that when the going gets tough, you jump into action if I really need you. You've gotta stop letting me or anyone else tell you it ain't possible. I bet people said to Father Christmas, 'you can't go round every house in the world and drink their beer; you'll get cirrhosis' - but he still does it. And as for a real coward, look what I did to you earlier today."

"You already apologized for that, Vince."

"I know but I want to again. You know I never meant for you to lose your job. I mean what kind of boss fires someone for putting bin-bags in the wrong D.R.A?!"

"Wow. You remembered what I taught you there?" Howard smiled, impressed.

"'Course I did, I ain't completely brainless."

"…Do you remember what I said D.R.A stood for?"

"Not at all. Anyway, as soon as Naboo said he was gonna give you the sack, I did try and take back what I said, Howard, honest. But then he distracted me with the cape. Everything just went all blurry and I forgot what was happening. You know what a magpie I am."

Howard nodded, staring at his shoes; "One for sorrow…"

"Sorry?"

"Nothing." said Howard, shaking off his thoughts. "You don't need to explain, alright, Vince. We got the juice, we saved Naboo and Bollo, everything's back to how it should be."

"And, hey, if it makes you feel better, think of this disease as my karma, yeah?" And as if on cue, I then felt the need to sneeze. Howard luckily had a tissue in his pocket to hand to me, in the knick of time.

"Well that doesn't make me feel better, knowing you're gonna get a week off work…but thanks for the gesture. I'm still in awe of your other one from yesterday. I'd've been less surprised if you'd sacrificed one of your arms."

I grinned, stuffing the wet tissue into my pajama pocket; "Now you know I care about you more then a pretty cape, don't you? God, I miss that cape. We had some good times, me and that cape. Crazy days."

"You were only wearing it for two hours."

"Almost two hours, ten minutes and forty seconds." I corrected, followed by a wistful sigh up to the stars. Yes, _stars _- plural! In London. Who'd've thought it? A whole two stars out in one night.

Howard tutted, shaking his head at me; "God, you've got no problem remembering things like that and yet you can never tell for certain how long we've been together."

"You make it sound like I'm some dead-beat husband who's forgotten our anniversary."

"Why are you suddenly the husband?!" snapped Howard. "First Lance Di-bloody-or says I'm the wife and now you."

"Oh you're not still raving about that tosser, are you?" I groaned, slapping my forehead.

"What are you on about?"

"I saw the way you kept eyeing him up whenever he used to come into the shop." I bickered back; "How you were so ready to just give us up and be his little accessory. I bet even now you still wish you'd taken him up on his offer."

"Could you blame me if I had done? You haven't exactly been pleasant to be around lately, have you?"

My face softened; "Doesn't mean I want you to up and leave me." I'd told myself it had been for that reason. But it wasn't.

Howard scoffed; "Really? Why would you care if I left though, Vince, you said yourself that I'm nothing but a selfish coward…And you are right. I know you are. I really do spend most nights lying in bed, staring up the ceiling and racking my brains out over why you didn't leave me long ago…"

He's such a beautiful idiot. "Do you need me to tell you why?" I asked, shaking my head at him.

Howard remained silent, his eye's hiding beneath drooped lids and staring at his loafers. Letting out a sigh of adoration, I shuffled closer, before reaching my hand across and taking hold of his that was planted on the tiles. I interlocked our fingers and let our hands rest together, mine clutching onto Howard's tightly. Beside me, I felt him wince a little. But he said nothing.

At last, he exhaled, turning to look down at our hands, biting on his bottom lip, then raising his chin to look at me smiling at him.

"'Cause, for all your faults, you're the best friend I've ever had. Alright? Earlier, when I had all those people round, as soon as they heard a single embarrassing fact about me-"

"What, you kissing that photo of Terry Nutkins?"

"How did…?! I'm gonna kill Naboo!" I cursed before getting back on my train of thought; "Yeah, so, as I was sayin'; as soon as they found out that, they started laughin' and dropped me like last year's red hat. I knew I needed someone with me to help get Naboo's potion. And I knew you'd help me, not 'cause I thought I could win you round but 'cause I knew you were better than that lot put together."

"I'd like to believe you learnt a true lesson there." muttered Howard, doubtfully. "But part of me still thinks you just wanted me back 'cause you needed my help."

"Oh, Howard, will you stop it! Don't you get it? I didn't want you with me so you could play Man of Action and save the day, mainly because I knew the chances of you doing anything to actually help matters was slim to none. And let's face facts, you didn't end up doing anything to really help apart from shine a torch down a tunnel - it was my plan pony that found the secret entrance, I went out to grab the potion and it was my cape…well, Naboo's cape but me befriending Donny that saved our necks and bought us time to get away. It was your bin men mates that crushed the ginger freak, not you. You did next to sod all, as usual."

"Is this your way of charming me round?"

I squeezed his hand in mine; "That's just it though, Howard. I don't need you to be some great hero. I don't need you to come up with a brilliant scheme to save the day. I just need you there, beside me, whenever I'm out there having to be the brave one because then it means…it means I know I've got someone worth fighting for."

Howard's mouth opened to form a perfect 'O'.

"I just," I continued, very nearly spent with exhaustion, feeling the flu take hold again, "I need to know that you're here when I can find you. That we'll always be there for each other."

Howard nodded, clearly touched; "Well…y'know you can always find me here when you need me. Even when you've got some psycho monster chasing you and you need me to step up and save the day, somehow."

"Ditto." I smiled back.

The next few moments were the strangest and most wonderful that I'd had in so long. Me and Howard continued to sit on the roof, our hands clutched tightly in each other's between us, smiling into each other's faces. All the resentment, all the hurt, all the betrayal and anger of before was swept away with the blow of the autumn wind. The sound of planes, trains and taxi's of the city buzzed around us and yet I couldn't hear a single thing apart from my own heartbeat. Or was that Howard's pulse I could feel as I gripped his hand tighter. And as I felt him squeeze back. We didn't take our eyes off each other in all the time that passed in silence. I licked my lips as, out of no where, I started to feel dehydrated. Howard's mouth was dipping open slightly, small wisps of breath billowing out as his eyelids seemed to weigh down as he continued to look at me. He looked so much more gorgeous when his face wasn't pulled down with the weight of all our messed-up issues. His eyes were so perfect when they smiled like that, with a rare sparkle of true happiness.

Surprisingly, even to me, I was the first one to pull my hand away and wrap the blanket fully around me once more, the world beginning to spin around me as it had done this morning in the shop. No reason why I should push my luck for one night.

"Uhmm, wow, did it suddenly get a lot colder out here?" I forced a laugh, turning my head away from Howard; "M'feelin' a bit dizzy too."

"C'mon, enough fresh air for you." said Howard, in his usual 'taking charge' voice. "Your brain ain't used to it.. Let's get you inside."

My head began to loll forward and onto my chest; "Mmm…m'getting a bit sleepy."

"Well you can't have a sleepy on the roof, Vince, now come on. In." Howard quickly brought his hands to my forearms, steadying me upright and kept a tight hold on me as I slowly moved down towards the square gap in the roof.

I managed to shake my mind up and awake for enough time to climb down the step ladder without tripping and breaking an ankle. Once both feet where on the floor though, my throe fell from my shoulders and my legs began to sway dangerously, everything in my vision starting to dim again.

"Thanks H'ward." I mumbled once he'd joined me indoors; "I'll just sleep right here if that's ok." My knees gave way beneath me but before I could hit the floor, Howard's arms grabbed me around the waist and he let me fall onto him instead.

"Woah there, Sleeping Beauty, you can't pass out on the floor. Especially not when you're sick, you need to be tucked up all snug, okay? Come on - bed." Howard ordered, trying to lead me across the room but my weak ankles were having none of it.

I took the moment for all it was worth and wrapped my arms tight around Howard's middle, letting my head rest against his chest; "M'so comfy here though…"

Sighing, Howard reached down to place one hand on my lower back and the other beneath my legs, before lifting me up into his arms. The way I wished he'd done when I'd fainted earlier, instead of Bollo. Now it was really happening. As light-headed as I was, this time I knew it wasn't a hallucination. Hopefully Howard passed off my dopey grin as my head only being in a frenzy from the fever.

"Christ, it's times like this I'm glad you hardly eat anything." He said, carrying me over to my bed. I wrapped my arms around his neck and fitted my head neatly under his chin, smelling his musky old aftershave.

"H'ward…?" I mumbled before he could place me down on my silver duvet.

"Mhm?"

"Can you…I mean…can I sleep in your bed tonight?" I asked, looking up with the eyes of a pleading bush baby; "S'just I hate being alone when I'm sick. Especially if I get nightmares."

"Uhm…Don't think that's a good idea, Vince. We don't want you getting over-heated."

"Flu never lasts with me. I'll be bouncing around like normal in the morning, I bet ya. Naboo was just exaggerating like always."

"Maybe. I still don't think it's a good idea though." said Howard, laying me down on top of the covers.

"Oh... Okay. Forget it then." I mumbled, sulkily, pulling the duvet up from under me and then tugging it over me, snuggling beneath it. I expected Howard to leave me there. But he kept on watching me with that same look on his face that he'd had on the roof.

"But…I s'pose there's no harm sitting with you for a bit. Until you fall asleep."

My eyes widened as Howard sat down on my bed and propped his back up against the headboard, his legs flat out beside my face. Heart soaring, spark of hope doing the can-can, I shifted forwards on my side and wrapped an arm around Howard's leg, pulling it to me and keening my nose against it like it was my favourite teddy bear.

"Thanks Howard." I whispered. My effort to breath like a normal person was threatened when I felt his hand begin to stroke my hair, lulling me further into sleep. "…What's the time?" I asked, shakily, a sudden thought bursting it's way breathlessly through the door of my head.

Howard glanced at the glitzy, decorated clock on my bedside table. "Ten past midnight. Otherwise known as; time for you to go to sleep."

I gave in, closing my eyes, not really wanting to leave this near-perfect moment; "Ok…" I paused for a humongous yawn before asking; "Hey H'ward?"

"Yes, little man?"

"Happy birthday."

* * *

**And now I must sleep. Ta for reading! Reviews, as always, are Love.**


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